I picked this mirror up at a yard sale for $3 a few weeks ago. I think I’ll paint it white.
I look in the mirror and ask myself: Who am I?
…A mother, pet mom, wife, blogger, gardener, friend, neighbor…
I drive through the quiet streets with the awning of tall pine trees looming overhead, looking for Bonnie. I can’t help but think of the missing 13 year old girls. The ones I wrote about, searched for, in another place and time. What it must have been like for their parents. Still like…though those girls have been missing for decades. You can read about it here.
Is this what their parents did for days and weeks and months? Drive around, peering into every face they encountered. And then as the years passed, and then the decades, I know they must still have held out vestiges of hope.
I noticed yesterday that just down the street they have felled the remaining pine trees next to the newly constructed Marriott for some new construction to begin. I wondered where those wild animals that lived there ran to as the big machines came in, roaring with purpose? Did one of those wild creatures come into my yard and take my Bonnie away?
I walk in the bedroom and the bed is made. And I ask myself: When did I do that? I must be on auto pilot.
I go into the kitchen and eye that gift basket. It has lots of goodies in it. Chocolate and cheeses and sausages. I spy Turtles chocolates and realize I haven’t had one in many years. I wonder how much of that gift basket will be there by the end of the weekend. And how many pounds it will translate into to seek comfort there.
I have never been a halfway decent liar. I think you can look at my face and everything you want to know is automatically revealed. I could not play poker if my life depended on it.
I think of all the blogs I’ve visited over the years, and so many say in their About Me profile: …I’m married to my very best friend… You must be lucky women. You must have done something right. Or have good karma. Or know something I don’t. Because if something happened… You would need another best friend to comfort you.
You would understand that your house of cards could come tumbling down at any minute. Still, you hope. Isn’t that what we women do? Tend the house and gardens and children and pets and hope?
Abi keeps whining. She is the Yorkie that must have been a sheep dog in a former life. It is her self-imposed “job” to make sure everyone is in at night. If Bonnie or Clyde was outside and it was dark and time for bed, she would be relentless about barking and refusing to come in herself. To make us understand that her job was not over until everyone was safely inside.
Clyde has lost his other half. He is pitiful and keeps crying and following me around. He won’t go sleep on the guest room bed, which had become “their” room. It’s as though it’s tainted. He perches himself in a basket of magazines or sits behind my computer monitor. The last few days he has plopped himself on my printer. It’s the third printer he’s ruined by sitting his big self on it. Now all the paper jams. I don’t have the heart to shoo him off. Printers don’t seem so important at the moment. To hell with it.
I think some people are sort of addicted to risk taking. I know I did that in my younger years. The adrenalin would shoot through my veins and I would feel so alive. But as I got older, that didn’t seem so attractive any more. I just wanted a nice peaceful little life with a garden to tend and daily habits that tethered me to earth and normalcy.
I’m sure some of you are wondering how I could put this out there. Onto the worldwide web. But I’m not good at showing pretty little pictures on the wall when they are of no consequence to what’s going on in my life at the moment. Just like I’m not a poker player. If I used this space for that, my life would be a book of fiction. And hey, there are great writers out there if you want to read fiction. I could name many on my bookshelves.
You visualize yourself in another life. Another cozy little house somewhere far away. With your familiar things on the wall and your quilts folded just so on your bed. Your favorite candles wafting their sweet scent throughout the room. The unknown is scary. But so is knowing you can’t change anything.
I don’t blame you if you don’t want to read my rambling posts right now. Don’t feel you must because we are blog friends. I will find a new normal. I will tether myself to that orbit and hang on for dear life. And then I will show pretty pictures and talk about mundane things I usually put here to share with you.
For now, I will dust off the counters and put away food and straighten things that look off-kilter. Keep to my pattern and go out for the mail and water my plants and feed the pets.
Maybe that is how you manage to find normal again. To just plod forward. Because no one ever promised me a rose garden.
Every time I am outside and walk to the front, I see this loveseat. Minus Bonnie. I see the clumps of white fur she shed there, or licked off. And it kicks me right in the gut again that I may never see her again or know what happened to her. I tell myself to clean it off.
But I can’t bring myself to erase the small traces of her that I have left.
Sarah
What do they say…? “A perfect storm”… Perfect not meaning its usual meaning. The saying means, a whole bunch of rotten things are happening at once. -sigh-
You do seem to have a “perfect storm” going on. And we can’t really do anything for you. Other than read you, and wish you well. And wish you Courage. And send…
Gentle hugs…
OH…I’ve been checking on you…my heart hurts with you.. When my dog, Sundance, passed away, I had a hard time vacuuming up the shed hair that was left of her…makes me cry now just remembering her. How they leave a hole in our hearts…but it is evidence of the love we have for them. Be good to yourself…you are doing all that you can.
Val in Kansas
Ramble away all you want. I’ll be around to listen. I just wish that there was something I could do or say to take away the pain, but I know that won’t happen until Bonnie is safe at home again. Only those who truly love their pets can understand the worry and sadness.
God Bless,
Susan and Bentley
xxoo
I understand how very sad you are. I hope you have some good news soon. And it’s OK to feel and to share those feelings.
Oh Brenda, you make me cry. But that is okay. I mirror many of your feelings and experiences. Don’t brush away her fur. It is not time. I am grateful you are still writing when so many would stop blogging. I think it is sad when that happens because there are so many endearing bloggers here to help pulls us through the rough times we all face in life. I will be back soon Brenda to continue to check in on how you are doing. You are loved…
Love,
Maryjane
xox
I’m glad you keep posting so that we know you are still there. My heart continues to be full with your aching.
My prayers.
Melissa
I think a blog can be anything you want it to be. It is to show our pretty things, to share little piece of our lives to others, and to work on a problem we have. So you have the right to do what ever you want. I do hope that Bonnie comes back to you or at least you find out what has happen to her.
Willow
I`ve had to plod through my days a time or two Brenda. It`s hard. I`ve been there. Open up that gift basket and have at it. But that`s just me. Any extra pounds that might find you, you will shed them in the garden. Be good to yourself.
I hope Bonnie returns soon.
I’m sorry you still haven’t found Bonnie. I can tell she was your child and you were her mom…
Please please don’t beat yourself up over the other thing in your life..don’t think that you’re not a good person, lack personality, or are a door mat and hermit. You definitely aren’t any if those !!!!! Your loving and caring personality come through your blog and it’s easy to understand why you’re a pet mom. Don’t let ANYONE tell you this is your fault and if you had or if you would have……. blah, blah, blah… this event is NOT your fault, he needs to take responsibility for what he has done to you…Sorry for the soap box but I wanted to make the point that under no circumstances is this your fault, again don’t beat yourself up , you are a good person..
I wish I lived closer. we would have a good heart to heart talk… Take care, hope you hear from Bonnie soon, I’ll keep checking your writings…
it makes me want to just sit and hold your hand. because there is nothing really anyone can say or do to really make it better. pain is pain and all we can do is weather it. i’m so sorry honey.
I keep hoping I will come here and see that Bonnie has come home… I had a cat disappear a few years ago and it was the most horrible thing – just looking for them constantly, checking the front door and the back door over and over again and wondering what happened to them. That is the worst part in ways – the not knowing….
Linda in VA
Beautiful Photos.
You ramble all you want and then some.If you need to talk it out you do just that.. what ever it takes Brenda.Were all here for you.
Just wish there was more to do, to help you find her.
Wish I lived closer I would go for drives too and look.
I can feel your sadness from here.
Diane
I think as the reality of what has happened has hit you, your body has become numb and you are having some repetative negative thoughts. We are so much alike, it is hard for me to tell you to do anything differently because I would do just what I wanted anyway. But maybe just a change of scenery, something to break up the same thought processes.
Whatever you do, I am thinking of you.
xoxo
Janie
I’m still praying for you Brenda. I understand not feeling up to mundane chatter when your whole world is turned upside down. This is reality and whatever you have to do to get through it, you do. I’ll tell you what though, I’d pitch that stupid basket in the trash. It isn’t worth the pain of seeing a loving gesture turned into a constant reminder of pain. I’m praying you find Bonnie too.
Hugs
Kathy
Hi. I’ve been feeling a little down myself and I found your post comforting somehow. Thanks for being honest about your feelings.
When I lost my son in 1989 I journaled my thoughts a lot. It was healing to write. Hopefully your grief will be less burdensome as you “pen” your thoughts.
Take good care of yourself.
I’ve just stumbled into your blog today for the first time. My heart aches for you and knows this pain. No words can help, I know that. Ramble away, it’s your blog. I’ll be back.
That is what blogs and blog friends are for. We love and care about you.
God Bless.
Oh Brenda,
I feel your pain and my heart breaks for you. I know the pain of a lost pet. I truly wish there was something I could do for you. If I were there I would be right beside you searching for Bonnie. I will pray that Bonnie is safe and that she will be found and brought home to you.
Warmest regards,
Tracy
Oh sweet Brenda, I am so sorry to see that Bonnie has not returned. My fear is that she is gone. You just have to know that there is still hope and plenty of it. Is it possible that someone took her in? One day at a time and one step at a time my friend. My heart continues to bleed for you all, Char
Brenda,
Yours is the first blog I read every morning and I want you to know my heart hurts for you. I have been where you are in both cases. Please know that life will and does get better. I feel like I know you. Funny thing I guess this blog world. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Wendy
You are saying what your heart feels and that’s ok. It’s always ok.
I am sorry about your Bonnie. Our pets become our family, our children and it is sooo very hard when they’re not with us.
Hugs to you
~marcia
I’m still in tears for you Brenda. My heart hurts for you. You ramble and type and write all you want sweetness. You are real…not fake…the kind of person I call true friend.
Sending you hugs.
You keep on blogging Brenda…..and we will keep on reading and listening. This could happen to any of us in one form or another. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could jump out of this screen and give you a (((((HUG)))) and make you feel better. DO whatever it takes to give you some peace of mind. You are deserving of that.
Brenda ~ I wish I could crawl through the computer and give you a hug. I know it wouldn’t really make you feel any better . . . but I’d still like to give you one.
I think the not knowing – and letting your imagination running wild with “what ifs” is the hardest part for you. I know how hard it is to lose our best friends . . . my little cat Muffin ran away on my wedding day. My Mom didn’t tell me until I got home from my honeymoon . . . I was so sad.
And pets mourn too. My cat Kayla was raised by our SHeltie Wendi, and Wendi died, I thought we were going to lose Kayla too. But somehow, we all managed to keep going.
There really isn’t much comfort we can offer you – but we can listen. So you continue to post your thoughts, and ~ I promise ~ over time . . .the pain will ease. You have your other babies that need you, and once you work through this . . . well ~ you’ll all work through it together.
Big hugs with a little sway . . . Karen
Brenda, I am so sorry…. I know the not-knowing and the worry must be overwhelming for you. Please know that I am sending you a hug and will say many prayers.
Sarah
This is your life and your blog – say what’s true and we will listen and help – that’s whats so great about following the blogs that you really care about and mean something to you.
I hope you find some peace this weekend ~
Brenda,
I think you are pretty terrific. I have had some pretty tough times but could not share them – I should have. I love your blog and visit often.
Just hang in there.
Carol
Brenda,
I was so glad to see your entry come up on my dashboard. I have been thinking of you and hoping for the return of Bonnie. I feel so sad for you, but life has a way of turning around at some point, so keep your head up, as best you can.
We are all here for you and I will always lend an ear.
Sending hugs and good wishes your way.
Love,
Robin
I know that you can’t even imagine it now, but you will be happy again, Brenda. I’ve been through separation, divorce, the loss of beloved pets, friends, parents, and the worst of all, the death of my second husband and soul mate last september.. I’m not sure I’d say he was my best friend. He was my other half. I’m not complete without him, and I still grieve and I’ll always miss him. But I am learning to be happy again.
I think of you every day and pray for you. Hold on, be strong, know that there’s a light waiting for you just a little way down the road.
Hi Brenda, I’ve been away for a few days and felt I had to check in on you when I got home – I’m so sorry you still don’t have any good news. My thoughts are with you all the way from Australia.
Suzyq
It would be a poor blog friend who stopped reading when we’re reading about someone’s pain. There are plenty of places to go for pretty pictures, laughs, nonsense. You are writing about life. I’m sure that we all wish we could do something to help, but hopefully the support you are getting goes some small way to easing some of the pain. If writing about what’s happening to you helps, then write…in volumes. There will be more than enough people who will read and hope and wish right alongside you. A blog friend of mine sent me a video clip today with a line that has stayed with me..”I want to live my best life”. I hope that’s not too far away for you Brenda. Take care.
Brenda,
I want to fix things. I’d like to be there and as your friend walk and look for Bonnie. I’m sure you’ve called all the shelters all ready. I’ve prayed Bonnie will come back and I’ll keep praying that she will.
((Hugs))
Brenda, I was hoping you had found miss Bonnie. You are grieving and you can just ramble all you want. You need to use this blog as a sounding board. It is best that you don’t keep it all inside. Just keep sharing your thoughts here and we are here for you. Wish we could help someway. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Your friend,
Kim
I’m a “fixer”, too (like Rita). So it makes me very sad to read of your heartache. I’m sorry for your loneliness and despair.
Hello my friend. Those who have come to know you through this blog know you are real, honest, kind, and loving. They also know that every one of us has times in our lives where pain and sorrow takes over. You are honest enough to tell the truth and share your pain with us.
I am there for you. Just a phone call away. I hope you can feel my hug. I hope that Bonnie somehow reappears.
xo
Claudia
small steps, we are here for you, holding close in our hearts.
On Bonnie I so understand. On one hand I was so relived that Casey’s shepherd hair was not going to be a menace in my home and car any more and on the other I cry every time I try to clean and it is going away. I so know the kick in the gut. I would just about double over as it would hit out of the blue if I was ok for an hour or two. I am so sorry you are in such a bad place right now. I think about you a lot and hope you are ok. Ok is all you can hope for some days.
Hugs, Lisa
Oh Brenda, my heart just breaks for you and the critters, missing Bonnie so much! I wish I were there to give you a hug and share a chocolate turtle (or 2 or 3) with you.
Hey, I got so emotional I forgot to ask why you are painting the mirror white and not RED, the signature Brenda color!
Brenda I’m still reading, thinking of you all and praying hard. Oh my heart truly aches for you. I wish I could do more to help you right now. Sigh. ~Melissa
Hi, Brenda..I am sorry for your hurting heart. I guess we all go thru these times..that dosen’t make things any easier.
I wonder if ever you will write a book about your times? When you were working…I hope to read it if you ever do. What a good writer you are…way with words. Way with picture taking, too. I’ve never, in my entire long life, seen such clear, sharp photos. Wish I had a good camera and knew how to use it.
hugs to you, dear heart…
I so hope to get to Tyler someday..I will be calling you, FOR SURE. I would love to spend a little time with you.
xo bj
I am so sorry for your loss. I remember when we had to put our dog to sleep…only months after we lost our daughter. They had been such wonderful friends. I like to believe they are in Heaven together, running through the clouds and having such a good time being together. I think it’s wonderful to use your blog as a journal to share your feelings. It is a good release. You have many blogger friends that are there for you. Sure hope you will find peace soon.
Brenda, I’m so sorry you’re still hurting. You remain on my prayer list every day.
I was hoping beyond all hope that your little Bonnie would’ve found her way home. Have you put up signs? Talked to the people on your street? Maybe someone has taken her in because they don’t know where she belongs. Oh, I really hope you get her back.
Hugging you tightly.
Polly
Dear Brenda:
Just checking back for news…and to let you know I’m still here.
xoxo
Donna
That’s the thing to do. Put one foot in front of the other and just keep plodding. And never give up hope. Mimi
Brenda-Just came by to check on you–I am so moved by your post on your days of writing investigative features. Life is fragile, isn’t it? I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child in any way, much less without answers. I am sure the very things that made you a compassionate writer are the same things that will get you through all this. I’m still praying for a good outcome. Take care.
Oh Brenda. You can keep talking to us about your kitty. I am hoping that Bonnie will be home soon. (((HUGS)))
Sandra
Brenda-Your words are so real. I think they cut into each of us. We can feel your sorrow…your pain. I hope you can feel us around you.
Carol/Va.
Brenda, I’ve been where you are right now: losing a beloved pet and betrayal. Please believe me when I say that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe not right away, but eventually. I wept, ached & mourned for my cat. I raged, suffered & finally prevailed over the second. When my fury over the betrayal threatened to overwhelm me I enrolled in an exercise program because I had to do something constructive with all of my pent-up rage. I was really seething because I got in the best shape I had ever been in. This is not the answer for everyone. I’m just saying that it can be therapeutic to find a positive way to vent. Your blog can fill this need. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Brenda…I have a hundred platitudes for you. I won’t say them or try to convince you that life will go on. I’ve shared my pain on my blog and you were one of the people who gave me great comfort. I wish I could do the same for you. I’m here. I’m just words on a page…But I am here and I really do feel your pain. Take care my friend…and eat the damn chocolate.
I’m sorry that Bonnie still hasn’t turned up and that you are still struggling. Sending loving thoughts to you.
xxxx
Writing is therapeutic. And the truth shall set you free. As long as you need to ramble, we will be here to listen. Sending prayers and good wishes your way. Blessings, Tammy
(((((((Brenda))))))))
My dear friend – you share whatever and however you want.
We care and are here for you.
And we love you.
And I will pray that your Bonnie comes home.
She will Brenda – she will.
Love you,
Kim
Hugs Brenda. I can’t imagine what you’re going through – it could happen to anyone of us. You’ve been through a lot in your life and you seem like the resiliant type. You’ll find a way to get through this too. Me, I’d donate that gift basket. Let it do some good.
Manuela
good morning to you brenda from sunny california! just want to visit you and say hi. hug your little pooches for me. take care and have a great weekend. verbena cottage
Hi Brenda,
I am so sorry that Miss Bonnie is still missing! I know how upsetting that can be. My cat, Harley, disappeared. I searched the neighborhood and back pasture for him. I even dreamed about finding him! You have my prayers.
Blessings,
Lorilee
I do not know how I missed this post yesterday on my rounds through the bloggerhood. Yes, of course you must WRITE about Bonnie and your heart and the journey that you are on. The journey of life. That is what keeps me ~ and others like me ~ coming back to your door. I, too, internalize stories from the news, like the one you mentioned, and keep them with me for YEARS. I’ve recently decided to unconnect, somewhat, from the news as most of it is unpleasant and doesn’t really do much more than titillate and frankly, I am looking to pull in positive energy and focus on what is good and Godly and sweet in this world. Believe it or not, your love for your little piece of earth and your wonderful fur babies is VERY inspiring to me, as this is what life is all about. You continue to be in my prayers as you sort through all of your emotions and find peace. xx P&H
I was brought to tears after reading your post. My heart aches for you. I pray that Bonnie comes home.
Take care,
Hugs,
Donna
I’m still reading every word, your strength amazes me Brenda.
Saying a prayer that Bonnie find her way home soon.
Love you.
Dana
Brenda, ramble all you want…it’s part of processing everything you’re going through! I pray Bonnie comes back, but mostly I pray for your heart and soul to stop aching, and start healing. This too shall pass, my mother would always tell me when I was going through tough times. She was right! You have so many friends, please know that.
Much love,
Wendy
Hi dear Brenda, I’ve read this post entirely and then read also the “When I was young” post. They are so touching and real. I just pray that Miss Bonnie can find her way back home.
A big hug my dear friend.
Mara
I give you credit for writing about your pain Brenda. We all have pain or some demon to fight in our lives. My other blog is about that. I haven’t posted on it for awhile…I wish i could be as open as you.
I so hope your Bonnie comes back…I just know how you and your pets are grieving…i have seen my own pets grieve.
God Bless you…
Pamela xoxo
Write what you will…that is why I come here every day. Wish I lived close enough to lend a shoulder and a hankie. You…and Bonnie, are in my thoughts. I’ll be back to check on you tomorrow.
♥, Susan
Of course we will keep reading, we all want to know that you are ok. Friends are there for you in good times and bad, just because we are only cyber buddies, it doesn’t mean we care any less. Keep your chin up and keep looking for Bonnie, but don’t bottle anything up, if this is the place you feel comfortable venting, then do it here. We’ll still all be here.
Kat xxx
Thinking of you Brenda. Hoping Bonnie is back with you xxxxx
Oh sweet Brenda. I am so very sorry to hear about your precious Bonnie. I hope with all my heart that she returns to you. Please do not ever apologise for sharing your feelings. This is your blog and you have so many people who care about you and want to hear all you have to share. I wish I was there to give you a huge hug my dear friend. You and your sweet Bonnie are in my thoughts tonight ~ Tina xx
All any of us ask, dear friend, is that you keep it real. That you share your life with us no matter what is going on behind the computer monitor.
Reading this, I ache for you. I think you know that, but I have to say it. And this is one of your best and most beautiful posts because it is straight from the heart, a heart that we have grown to love.
I understand. My dog’s crate is still sitting in their room, I couldn’t bear to take it down even though it’s close to two years since they slept there. And their ashes are on the counter. Not scattered in the water where they loved to walk nearby. Oh, I do understand. And friends are lifelines, and girlfriends are irreplaceable.
XO,
Sheila