I'm sure you're wondering, so who is Maria? Was she a movie star, a singer, someone of great renown? And why should I care?
Well, she was a stranger to me too.
Maria, aged 40 at the time of her death in 2008, is no longer with us. She is now a statistic. When I googled her name, I came up with a PDF file compiled by the Texas Council On Family Violence. On its 24 pages are the names of women killed in the year 2008 in the state of Texas by their spouse/partner. Maria was one of them.
And now I am going to tell you why you and I should care.
Did you know:
On average, 3 women are killed every day by an intimate partner.
Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 in the U.S. More than car accidents, muggings and rapes combined.
The average prison sentence of men who kill their women partners is 2-6 years. Women who kill their partners are, on average, sentenced to 15 years.
One in 10 calls made to alert police of domestic violence is placed by a child in the home. One of every 3 abused children becomes an adult abuser or victim.
One in every four women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime.
Police are more likely to respond in 5 minutes to a female victim if an offender is a stranger, than if an offender is known to a female victim.
My lawyer's office wanted me to read the last hand-written statement by Maria, who had had enough abuse and wanted a divorce from her husband.
When I read the handwritten pages of cruelty endured by this woman, knowing it was her last personal record on earth, that is when I decided to care about Maria.
And so, though she has been gone for 3 years now, I am going to remind us all that Maria was here on this earth. That she attempted to scrawl her misery onto the docket of a court system, in order to be free. And failed.
Maria mattered.
News Story: They appeared to have a normal life - he an EMT and she a nurse at the University of Texas Health Science Center in Tyler, Texas. The couple's families, neighbors and fellow co-workers were shocked when he apparently beat his wife to death with a baseball bat and then hanged himself...
Excerpt from last written statement from Maria to her attorney:
During my school time, he will tear or wrinkle my homework. Demand food and clothes before homework was done. I had to do homework between 12 and 3 a.m. at night...
Abuse is not just bruises or black eyes or broken arms.
Emotional abuse: It’s a bigger problem than you think
Not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused.
Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.
Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused.
Understanding emotional abuse
The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship, or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse.
Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.
Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.
You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep.
In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.
In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so.
News Story On The Death Of Tyler Woman:
...When the family member arrived at the home, there was a note on the door that said, "Don't enter. Call police."
Authorities said that inside the neat brick home with a manicured lawn was the crime scene, and the couple's 9 year old child. It was not clear if the child witnessed the attack...
Maria's statement...
Makes me get up from bed either real early in a.m. or real late at night to clean whatever he feels needs to be cleaned now.
Checks the mail before me and shreds everything without showing me or letting me see it.
Has taken my keys away from me, so I wouldn't go to school. Has taken the debit card away with threats.
As soon as I hear the garage door open, I start having palpitations...
Newspaper account...
Smith County Justice of the Peace told the Tyler Paper at the scene that Fernando had beat his wife, Maria, to death with a baseball bat inside the home. Then used a wheelbarrow to move her body outside to a storage shed, where he hanged himself.
He added that the man's wife had filed for divorce and the papers were to be served this week.
He apparently killed her, then called his father-in-law and told him to come to the house. He left a rather extensive note.
Excerpt from Maria's last statement...
He has threatened me with killing me if I leave him or take the kids. He told me he would kill me and pull my heart out with his own hand.
He knows he has a real problem, but refuses to get help. Every time he acts like that, he regrets it and apologizes, but the harm is done...
Statement from a neighbor at the scene...
"They were always pretty good neighbors. Anytime anything like this happens, it's shocking. Because you don't expect that kind of violence to happen in your neighborhood. This was a nice, young, normal couple."
Folks, this happens in every neighborhood. At every socioeconomic level. It happens to poor women. It happens to rich women. And every woman in between.
And that is why we must remember Maria. All of the Marias.
In the PDF document I looked up for Texas Women Killed By Their Partners in 2008, Maria's murder was only a few short sentences on a page, surrounded by other women murdered in various and grisly ways. Twenty-four pages in all. Hundreds of women that failed to get out in time.
Death leaves a heartache
No one can heal,
Love leaves a memory,
No one can steal.
 |
| Van at scene of murder/suicide |
Maria was a wife and mother. She was a human being like you and me. And she deserved better.
Sadly, no one heard Maria crying.
Maria doesn't cry anymore.
45 comments:
I'm a child of domestic abuse. It stays with you forever.
S
xo
Terrifying.
Please note that this is a vulnerable time in YOUR life. Take all precautions if you have any fear at all.
Praying for you!
thank you for getting the message out. You should check out, http://www.inhonorofher.org/index.html created in honor of my cousin to help woman who are going through domestic violence, and to raise awareness to the problem. It's not just a family issue - it's an epidemic.
It is like you said. I could be hit, bruised but a few days and it was gone. Emotional abuse......lingered. I remember at one time or another nearly all that was screamed at me. I block it out. I have no need to remember. Both parents are gone. I am good now. I am safe. Sometimes my dreams remember and I wake up aggravated because those dreams keep me from a good nights sleep. I pick out a few good times....my beautiful mother in her shirt style yellow dress with white embroidery on the front. Or, my handsome father and the few times he sang Amazing Grace. He and mom sang together at home while she played guitar. Those are the pictures in my mind. The rest I wipe out as often as I can. Life is good now...I am free....I made it. I pray for all the Maria's out there whatever their circumstances.
~Interesting that you would post this today. I met a young mother yesterday who shared with me similar concerns she has with her baby's father who she lives with. Sharing this with her could be very beneficial.
Thank you for honoring the memory of Maria and others. Kathy
The scars that we carry with us from physical and emotional abuse linger with us throughout our lives. I have a daily reminder each morning when I look in the mirror. And the emotional scars? Though I have done a good job getting past them...they are still there, just under the surface and serve as a warning when I am in a position where I need to listen to those not so gentle reminders. I count my blessings that I got out when I did; had I waited any longer, I would have been listed on that report you were reading.
Thank you for posting this for ALL of the Maria's. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. ~Hugs, M
I worked as a Victim Advocate and a State Certified Rape investigator for years. I would (as a volunteer) go out to domestic violence crime scenes. I would go at the request of the Police Dept. It was a hard job, because I could be called out at all hours of the day or night, and because the circumstances were awful, but I went home each time feeling hope that I had done some good in the world. I spent alot of time in training and praying that God would inspire me to say or do the right thing for the victim. It is an awful cycle, that I hope (with help from those like you) will be broken more often and hopefully done away with. It must not be a hidden problem, it must be brought out and aired. Thank you Brenda,
XOXO
Susan
Wow, that was a very powerful post. Thank you for highlighting a most important issue that seems to be swept under the carpet and not discussed openly.
Take care and best wishes to you for a beautiful week.
Natasha.
dear god i pray you are safe... i have lived a charmed life and cannot fathom the depth of pain others have endured for "love"... i hope you are able to just walk away and start fresh and leave any worries far far behind you.
Such a horrifying and important message, Brenda. You may be saving someone before it's too late.
I, too, am hoping you are safe, dear friend.
Thinking of you Brenda and keeping you in my prayers. Stay safe. Thanks for the reminder what does go on in many lives. We need to be aware!
Hugs,
Maryjane
Dear Brenda,
This post hit home. My sister's neighbor who was her best friend and the godmother to one of her daughters was stabbed to death in her kitchen by her husband with a butcher knife while their 2 daughters slept upstairs. He then called the State police and turned himself in. She lived directly in back of my sister. When the police arrived, they would not let the girls come downstairs immediately because it was a crime scene so they were crying and screaming from the bedroom windows that their father had murdered their mother. My sister was interviewed by the police and yes, he was insanely jealous and yes, his wife was afraid of him. My husband is God father to the same niece whose godmother was brutally murdered. It was one of those terrible events in my life that I will never forget. He later died in prison. Every dog has his day.
There was also a nurse at work whose boyfriend shot her to death as she picked up their child in front of his parent's home after a parental visitation. She died in front of her 3 year old daughter. He fled and there was a manhunt which found him in an area hotel. He tried to commit suicide by shooting himself in the head. He didn't finish the job. He lived to serve a life sentence in prison.
Please be very careful Brenda and take care of yourself!
Hugs,
Debbie
Our country says it protect women and children but in reality it protects the "rights" of the predator first.
When my father was a child, it happened in his home. I never knew until many many years later. It left me sad, angry, helpless when I found out. He was a wonderful husband and father, thank God, it didn't affect him that way, but he never forgot what was done to him. xo,
Brenda I so hope you are safe. I am fairly new to reading your blog. I have wondered if you have children and grandchildren with this man. Do you keep in constant contact with someone who knows what you are going through? Is he still living in the same house? Not trying to be nosy but caring about you as we all do these things will cross your mind.
As the mother of 2 police officers I can tell you that domestic calls can be so dreadful and tragic. Please be aware and take care of yourself.
{{{{ Brenda }}}}
Luanne
Thank you for remembering Maria and for educating us more on this very real problem. So much heartache and fear and pain.
I can not even imagine the horror. Tragic. Keep yourself safe. ♥♫
The stats are there, we just have to pay attention to them. As I read this I'm reminded of the news from Sunday's killing of a mother and 5 of her immediate family members in a Dallas/Ft. Worth area Skating Rink. The husband ultimately killing himself in front not only their son who was having a birthday party but all others at the skating rink. She had been trying to get help from the Police for 5 years.
I'm reminded of my neighbors who had 4 police cars, an ambulance and fire rescue at their house just last weekend, not once that night but twice. No, no one went to jail... the children under 10 went to their Aunt's home, the other 3 teens went to friends. Mom stayed behind... why?
I'm reminded why I walked away from a life like this 35 years ago. It's not worth it. There is a better life, but we have to help those victims know that they have someone to help them get out. I had someone to help me get out. We also have to force our police departments not to just take HIS word for it when he says "I'll not do it again, or I just don't have the money to get my anti-depressant meds." Just keep calling the cops... that's what we pay our taxes for to protect us, to protect them!!!!!
Amazing post. I hope you are safe and well. Hugs to you.
Brenda ~ I have been very mentally abused by my first husband, done that. I am a survivor, and I cherish every moment of life. sometimes there is a rainbow, but it takes alot of work. I am WONDERFUL today and I am with the most beautiful man in the world. There are some successes ~ I am one of them. But never forget the lost.....
thank you for reminding us of the less fortunate (((Hugs)))
Brenda, what a wonderful reminder to all of us that life is not perfect for many men, women, and children who suffer at the hands of others. We all rally around when tragedy strikes a part of the world and there is constant new coverage, yet each day people, like Maria, live in real fear for their lives.
You know I hope that you will find a solution to the situation you are in, and I pray that it will be soon.
Kat
I felt my neck and shoulders tighten as I read your post. Abuse is an insidious disease that seems to be at epidemic proportions. I hope that Maria's children are being taken raised by loving caregivers.
This post makes me so very sad......
Thank you.
Blessings Gail
Brenda, I too so hope that you are safe.
This was a incredible post for you to write, and it mustn't have been easy. Physical and verbal abuse is so pervasive, and wide spread, and many people don't even think about it....we can only hope that someone is saved by your writing this post.
Please take good care of yourself.
Jen @ Muddy Boot Dreams
This breaks my heart.
Very, very sad.
Sad, but so true! This is not uncommon --- violence against women is increasing. I hope you read Belinda's story at www.ninjapoodles.blogspot.com I hope she gets out!
This is such a sad and important post, Brenda...you are so right, she did deserve better...No one should ever have to deal with this in their lives.
My first husband, who I thought was my high school sweetheart, was jealous, controlling and emotionally abusive. I knew it before we married, but I thought he would change. The emotional abuse turned into physical abuse and got worse as years passed. He would get mad if he would come home from work at midnite and not find dinner warmed up and waiting for him. If he wanted ice cream and it was all gone, he would actually hit me in the arm. Once I got a flat tire while at the mall and called him to come change it -- he blamed me, said I shouldn't have been out, grabbed my face with his greasy hands and made me cancel dinner plans with friends. The last incident he had me on the floor in a chokehold, gave me a bruised lip. I told him I would call the police; instead, I walked to the attorney's office where I worked and spent the night on the couch. He had taken my car keys so I couldn't drive anywhere. Yes, I worked for attorneys but never talked to anyone about the abuse. He wanted to have children, but I told him that wouldn't happen until he learned to control his anger. 5 months later we were divorced. I know that things would have gotten much worse. I am stronger for it. I don't dwell or hold on to the past. I walked away but many find themselves in circumstances where they can't. Why is it that government now is talking about intervening in families with obese children, taking them away as they consider that abuse, but yet when a woman calls the police about a domestic matter, they say there is nothing they can do? The laws on abuse need to be drastically amended.
Wishing you abundant blessings, Tammy
Brenda, what a wonderful post, but I know it must have been so very difficult to write. I once reported a trial where the mother's boyfriend beat the 2 yo son to death and she stood by the boyfriend. We just never know what goes on in one's life. I was a lucky lady, I was hit and had my eye blackened by my first husband and I walked out, never to look back again, just telling myself that no man would ever touch me like that again. I've often wondered what gave me the strength that day to do that, as I could have so easily stayed, only to endure more, I'm sure, but I'm so thankful I found the strength to leave w/nothing but a few clothes to my name. I hope women understand that they can call the police and at least ask for an escort to get them out of the house safely, or to go get their things, they don't have to go it alone. I pray you're OK and will be so happy when you are in Tulsa!
What a wonderful post. Knowing that you are going through a difficult time. Please keep yourself safe. Please.
Thinking and praying for you.
Brenda,
This is so important and so overlooked. What scares me too is how from my childhood till today everywhere you look this country seems more violent. When we last visited Disney World we ventured not even a 1/2 outside of the park, pulled in a strip mall to look for touristy store and sat in a parking lot looking at a burned out suv. The violence is greater and women suffer in silence thinking it is normal. Thanks for highlighting the different types of domestic abuse and how not normal it is! I pray for you to seek a better life and happiness.
Sherry
It does not even need to be a partner. I was abused - emotionally, verbally and physically throughout my entire childhood by my brother. I still carry the emotional scars, and even though he and I have a better relationship now, I cannot seem to have a healthy relationship with a man.
ANY kind of abuse is wrong. And some cannot ask for help or leave a relationship. But friends and family CAN help, if they can just see past the "happy picture."
Brenda, I hope and pray that if you are being victimized by your husband that you get out as fast as you can. The scars from even verbal abuse last a lifetime. I know. Take care my friend.
Brenda, please stay safe. When you posted once about what was said to you, I cried. I won't repeat what you said because I hated that he did that. I hope this is all over soon. You will feel so free. I hope you and your furry ones can move near your daughters and grandchildren. I thin you have two daughters, not sure. (((((HUGS)))))
Hi Brenda,
Your post was very powerful. I have never been a victim of such cruelty and I thank God for my dear husband.
I do know of woman that have been a victim of both verbal and physical abuse. It just broke my heart, they have all left there husbands in safety, but not without the mental scares. Thank goodness they have moved on and now have compassionate men in their lives.
It happens and its a terrible thing. I will keep Marie and all the Marie's in my prayers.
Really big hugs, Elizabeth
I just this last week watched, for the 3rd time, the Tracy Thurman story. Just amazing...and I also watched The Burning Bed again. There's millions of cases like this that we never hear about.
Stay safe. I was a child of abuse. I watched my parents fight and my father hit all of his children. I have forgiven him and my mother for staying. I am so lucky to have married my best friend and he would never dream of hitting anyone. God Bless you and keep you safe.
It's happening everyday to someone's neighbor, coworker, or friend, and for the most part... everyone is surprised when it becomes news.
The shame of abuse (and rape) needs to stop. We hear about women being "survivors" but it would be wonderful if somehow we could prevent them from being "victims" in the first place.
Emotional abuse is even harder to reconize. Even for the one being emotionally abused. It dosen't leave any visiable scars, so how does one show proof?
You are stronger than you know, and you too will survive.
xoxo Bunny Jean
Powerful. Protect yourself. I have been in this situation in the past (the Sperm Donor), and I am lucky to be sitting here writing this. This message cannot be repeated enough -- all of it. The emotional abuse is worse and more far-reaching than the physical abuse. The ramifications are never-ending for the children in these situations, too.
Brenda,
More people need to realize this serious situation and not be so quick to judge people but offer to help. I have lived in a violent situation...my husband was terminally ill so "I owed him" he was very bitter to me for the possibility of outliving him. I begged to just enjoy the time we had. I escaped two years ago, to be stalked and terrorized, officials said til he hurt me nothing they could do. Birthday 2008 was beaten for my birthday so I would know how he felt, birthday 2009 police showed up at my work because he told someone he wasn't the only one that was going to die, birthday 2010 received letter from his attorney that they would accept nothing less than everything, birthday 2011....finalized divorce papers and word that hospice is now coming in to care for him. Sad that someone would waste what quality time they had left fighting and being greedy because you no longer had a punching, sex bag. As of last week my divorce was final and he is on his death bed. So many friends and strangers have judged me for leaving a sick man....they have no idea what things the sick man did to me...he only told the "feel sorry for me side" while I remained quiet and dealing with my side on my own. I will let him go in peace, but he himself will never allow himself to be in peace. Thank you for trying to spread the word. TAKE Care and be careful!
Thanks for the reminder of a horrible part of our society. I think all of us have known someone who is in a domestic violence situation. Whatever we can do to help, we should do. If we ignore it, we are part of it. That's how I feel. Susan
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