Yesterday was grocery buying, bank depositing, and hair cutting day. All of which I can do in the same shopping strip in one shot.
Immediately when I walk in the door to the grocery store, flowers beckon. I am drawn to the colorful displays like bees to honey.
I tell myself to go on over to the bananas nearby. But I am stuck in place. Bananas, I reluctantly tell myself, you can eat. Flowers you cannot.
Still, I'm rooted to the floor with the array of beauty beckoning to me like a rainbow after a storm.
I pick a bouquet up, then put it back. It has been a particularly tough week, worrying about the recent news that my ex may possibly lose his job. For there goes my current income as well.
I'm saving as much as I can. But I need more time to build a nest egg while I receive this money from him.
I'm saving as much as I can. But I need more time to build a nest egg while I receive this money from him.
I have tried to be upbeat since my move here. I told myself that if I kept saying I would be able to glide over the rough, choppy seas, and smiled while saying it, it would somehow transpire.
The fact is, everything that has happened didn't just go poof! And magically disappear. There are still many land mines in my head that I deal with every day. That trigger other things that haven't been properly dealt with.
So all is not roses. And I'm saying this now because I don't want to give anyone else who's been in my situation some sense of false hope. That you will leave behind what happened in that other place when you leave town. That the miles will dispel all the hurt and anxiety and disappointment.
A mere move to another place does not make the stuff in your head evaporate. Nor can you leave it behind like a box filled with memories you don't care to take with you.
But, I tell myself as other women congregate beside me, obviously equally drawn to the flower displays, Valentine's Day is right around the corner. And my birthday five days after that...
I have spent the week in a perpetual state of worry over things I have no control of. Just like so many other folks out there worrying they won't be able to keep their homes in hard times.
I have come to the conclusion that I can never afford to buy this house. If something happens in the near future, my choices will be limited. So I tell myself, don't allow yourself to love it too much.
But if I have enough time to save and build my savings account, maybe I could buy one of those tiny houses on wheels. Or an older mobile home, or some other living quarters that might be within my budget.
Life is really just a series of changes. Nothing stays the same. I have moved so many times I don't even want to count. Why is a home always so elusive for me, I ask myself in the dead of night, staring at the dark ceiling?
Why do I keep letting myself love a home, when something always seems to happen and I have to leave it?
Why do I keep letting myself love a home, when something always seems to happen and I have to leave it?
Maybe that's just the way of things in life. That what you yearn for the most is the hardest to grab onto.
Obviously before I pick out bananas, I get what I can grasp of my rainbow, and stick it in the grocery cart.
I tell myself it is tangible proof that miracles do happen.
47 comments:
Isn't it amazing what a little bundle of flowers will do for us...transfer the worries, blur out the pain, soak up our cares! Don't put the cart before the horse friend, your life will be wasted on worries! Take care of today and enjoy that flower cart while it's in front of you.
Brenda, I don't have any words of advice as I have not been in your shoes. I do care about you and hope that things work out. do you think that your x could just be saying that to you? Like you said this is out oof your control. You are saving and pinching pennies and that may be all you can do. Get that Etsy shop open. Maybe other things will come up in the future. Glad you bought those flowers. ((((((HUGS))))
Hi Brenda !! The flowers (and post) are as lovely as ever !! I love the fact that you keep a responsible perspective yet stay optimistic. Remember you are an outstanding Mom and former wife - always feathered your nest with love and still do today for your precious furry baby pups! If your ex looses a job, then he will still have to comply with the settlement and get another job to pay his alimony. ENJOY the pretty flowers all weekend long -- it is the best choice ---- I would have picked flowers over banannas too!! HaHa Much love oxox
Wishing you a rainbow! I think it's natural for visual people to want to create a beautiful space. Enjoy your little home!
Elizabeth
It seems that life is a series of worries. Some worries worse than others. Losing one's home, or the possibility thereof, is at the top of the list. I'm sure you are lying awake at night. He's not just telling you this, is he? I am going to pray for you, we all dream for you to be in this house forever, and we're all pulling for you. Hugs ~ Mary
My personal analogy of life is that it's like being on a roller coaster, ups and downs, ups and downs. You will ride up again, my friend!
Oh Brenda,
I read this post and felt the anxiety come up! I hear over and over again that we really have no control of our lives, and yet how is that statement suppose to make us feel better? It just freaks me out more....but one thing I do know about you and your home.....how cozy and sweet and inviting your homes are has nothing to do with the physical buildings...it has to do with you and how you make that space feel.....so you are right even if you end up somewhere else, it will still be just as wonderful because it is you that makes the it a "home" . You have a gift for this friend....Love, Sandy
Sometimes the miracle comes in forms that we least expect. I love the flowers...and I think you should enjoy them while you can...and, if the time comes when you can't do that, you will have the memories. xo Diana
No matter where you go, your home will always be a cozy little house.
Some days, I swear I have to read and reread, the saying 'Don't let tomorrow rob you of today' over and over and over again.
I know this is easier said than done, but when you're tired of the worrying, remember this quote from Mary Engelbreit:
"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. It empties today of its strength."
You are coming along just fine Brenda. I think the flowers you are buying are your best investments so far...investing in yourself and your soul! I am no lawyer, but it may not hurt to get a lawyer's opinion with what to expect if he does lose his job. In Canada, just because the spousal payer loses his job does not mean they can stop paying. Not sure how it works in the US. Does your community have a free legal clinic? We do in my community, one afternoon a week, and over the years when I was raising my babies as a single mother I had to seek legal advise now and then. I knew it's not something pleasant to think about, but it may help knowing where you stand. My prayers are always with you my friend, I have been where you are now. Diane
I can still remember 20 years ago when I went from being married 24 yrs to single. I had lots of worries and had to rely on just me for monthly income. There was some rough times, but all in all I am proud of myself for where I am in life. The only one that suffers from worry is you. It tend to rob us of our strength. I'm so glad you purchased the flowers! They are smile builders!
Dear Brenda - I can feel you worry and life can be hard. I know it is easy to say don't worry - every thing works out in the end and even bad times lead you where you are supposed to go. I understand the fear of losing your four walls - I've been there and I don't ever feel totally safe. I've only "known" you for about a year but there is one thing I can tell you - no matter where you end up, you will make it home. You carry home in your heart and every picture you post shows how you make a warm and welcoming home wherever you are. Stay strong and find your rainbows where you can. A bouquet of flowers is a very small price to pay if it makes you smile. Take care.
So true Carla. I will soon be in your shoes, Brenda. A move, divorce, a stay at home mom (for 20 years) having to look for a job. I have learned to not look to far into the future. I thank God at the end of every day for taking care of me and my family. You are an inspiration to me and I'm praying for you. God will take care of you.
Beautiful flowers! And OH how I love to dream about living in one of those tiny houses on wheels! I can't imagine anything being more simple. Small. But simple.
Brenda,
Your flowers are so bright and cheery. I believe good things will happen.
Hugs,
Kris
I come from a long line of talented worriers. My mom could worry a wart away and so can my daughter. I hope for you to find peace and contentment in the midst of this current storm. I have written three installments of a series I named "Hold Everything Lightly" but Joe feels they are very heavy in content for my blog and that I will upset my family. However after losing most of my first degree family members I have learned to hold everything dear to me lightly because when it is pried from my hands it hurts terribly. When you talk of moving from home to home I hear and feel that desperate feeling and I have been there and words to not comfort enough. I wish I could be some real tangible help. olive
All I can offer you is my friendship, encouragement and my prayers and to let you know I am here for you. I believe with all myheart things are going to workout. My son is losing his home after 11 years of payments of $1000 a month. Foreclosure is his only option but where will he and his family go? I dont have that answer either but I truly believe in a God who does. Keep blogging. You inspire me every single day to get thru the next day! You mean so much to me. I feel I have not been a friend this past week but I have been so sick. I am here though if you need me. Thanks for ALL you have done for me. Take care... Kendra
hi Carla ... Don't know how I found your Blog, but glad I did. I love the pictures and story in this beautiful blog. I am blessed by your courage. This saying was on our Church program last Sunday and I have kept it in front of me all week. "Challenges met with courage build endurance and strengthen faith." Joshua 1:9 We all meet challenges, some small, some big and have to make a choice how to handle them. God Bless you. Hugs.
Audrey Z. @ Timeless Treasures.
http://audreyzumwalt.blogspot.com/
I'm so sorry to hear about the new uncertainty in your life. How hard for you. Hugs to you!
I can only think of what I did right after this happened to me. Now believe me I had lots of down times and anxiety. But it didn't take me long to realize I had to have a plan that included bringing in money. So I got up 5 days a week like I was going to work, ate breakfast, got dressed and started my day. Some days it was college classes, some days it was to still unpacked what had not been. What I am trying to say is I would schedule my days as if I were working. 8-5. That way when I really did it would not be so shocking to me. I had a set bedtime. Sometimes I took both Sat. and Sun. off. Other times the weekdays were so full I used Sat. morn. to clean house and Sun. morn to find a church to increase my faith. That was just what I did and your life won't look like mine but you can make your own schedule. After the first year I moved in the house I asked for a rose bush for my birthday and each year there after. So I eventually had 6 tea roses to care for on Sat. morn. and everyone said how beautiful they were. I pray for you and for strength for each new day.
PS--Have you heard anything about google leaving or going away and needing to follow through linky by the end of the month? I figured that you are more in the loop than I. Thanks! :)
I know how it feels Brenda to have such uncertainty in your life. After my husband's sudden death at a young age (just 56) I lost my home, our business and all of my income. I lived off the insurance money as I tried to sort it all out. Once that ran out I was eligible for widows benefits from social security, a paltry $720 a month but I was so thankful for it.My children helped out as much as they could but I just didn't want to intrude on their lives or be dependent on anyone. I took a couple of part time jobs, with that and the $720 I was able to survive. Long story short I remarried, new husband lost his job of 30yrs we moved into a used mobile home we bought for a song and a dance. I am thankful that God always had a way for me and I know He has a way for you as well. You are in my prayers dear Brenda.
no no no! Never say nver. Your etsy shop might well take off, you might win the lottery...you never know what might happen and it is ALWAYS better to be positive than negative!!
Flowers always make a room come alive! No wonder you couldn't refuse.
~Bliss~
Brenda, love your bouquet of flowers and the rooster is just darling!
Does it not seem that when you move your worries come along for the ride and then rise up to rear their ugly head just as things were looking brighter and more settled. I can understand why you picked the flowers, I would have picked Ben & Jerry's...yes, some comfort food. Now all this news is even more reason to get your Etsy shop going. You have a lot of followers and I'm sure many of them (including me) would be interested in what you plan to sell. Make a few tea towels in blue and you have a customer.
(((HUGS))) Susanne :)
The uncertainty of things is always the worse part. My husband is ending one job and starting his own business. But the takes time to get going. And that is scary!
How is the etsy coming along? Looking forward to your opening. Your flowers are beautiful!
I just want you to know what an encourager you are to others and right now I hope you can be encouraged by all these ladies whom love you and your sweet blog. God is faithful and never gives us more than we can handle. He knows your limits. Enjoy those flowers!
Hi Brenda :)
Perhaps circumstances mean you must open your ETSY shop this week? It will also brighten your feelings?
I think God has given you a huge gift to make a home very quickly out of any house you have to move to. But I think the blue house is yours :)
My ex did lose his job - and we survived and indeed flourished - and so will you.
I always always buy flowers. I would eat pasta for a month rather than have no flowers!
And please believe me those horrid memories do go away - it's all like it happened to someone else now.
God bless & much love,
L.x.
Oh Brenda, my heart goes out to you...I too have been there in a situation that looks bleek..that Why me? and What next? questions that plague our thoughts.....I always remembered that when I came to a brick wall in my situation it was time to realise it was the bottom step and I needed to look to the heavens and know that the climb was God ordained for me to climb a little higher.... I was widowed twice by the time I was 30yo..yep twice... then was single mum with two little boys... I was heartbroken and struggled along...who would want to spend their lives with us.. But even though it was tough I am so thankful to God for his love towards me... He looked after me in the smallest and biggest of ways...Keep buying those flowers and let them remind you there is always a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow... I found mine and am blessed now with the most loving husband and two gorgeous little girls whom my boys adore...the tough times are worth the reward...You will survive... face those fears and tell them to get going... I pray your comforted with the arms of our loving God... He cares for you
Hugs and Blessings Dawn x
Please pray to God and ask him to help you keep your cozy little house...everyone seems to forget God wants us to ask him and ONLY him for what we want or need...don't be thinking negative Brenda...only think positive so positive good things will be coming your way...I pray to God all the time and he has not once let me down yet...he is the GREAT I AM!!and he will be for you too!!But...you HAVE to believe it and cast away all your worries and ask God for help..he is always right beside you to guide you too..and most of all he wants us to enjoy every day...please do!! Love you and wish you only the very BEST!!! Take care and stay positive!! Carol
I am so sorry you are going through so much turmoil. Recently we had a tough time and laying at night thinking about "What if's" is just sickning.
I pray that you will be able to keep your home and it will be your forever home.
Lean on us...
Oh, my gosh.. some of the words you wrote, if not most of the words you wrote sound so much like myself. If I look at things with a proper perspective, then I can say I was blessed to live (rent) a wonderful home for 13 years with my kids. It wasn't perfect, but it was "HOME". Then a new young couple bought the house with the intention to resell, and I was forced to leave so that they could basically update, rebuild and redecorate the place. What a harsh reality, when what FEELS like your home suddenly is NOT your home, and you're being told to just "Get OUT!"... So I've been in my newest home for a few years now; and while I imagine if I had a proper perspective, once again, this home would be at least o.k., a wonderful blessing. Still, there are STILL strong feelings of resentment, and of missing my old home.. and now, I think, greater feelings of defeat and mistrust that admittedly, I have LET settle into my soul, that keep me from ever loving this place. I often "hate this place", and don't know that I'll ever love it like my old place... What's worse, it's never my choice anyway. There is no security, and it is no wonder to me why my chosen "word" for the year is "PEACE". I would love some sense of peace, and security, and I know, one way and/or another, I have to take some pretty big steps.. SOMETHING has to change, mentally, or physically, to achieve that, I guess. Wishing us both luck pursuing both our needs and our dreams, AND as we hold on dearly for any sense of "HOME" in the process. ~tina
We said a prayer for you last night Ms Brenda! The kids said - if we win LOTTO down here, then we will buy you a house! LOL You are on our list oxoxo HUGS your way
Brenda,
The Lord loves you and wants to provide for you. That doesn't mean he'll make your bank account fat but he will see to it that you have what you need.
Praying for you.
amy
Hope you are soon out of those 'rough, choppy seas' Brenda and smooth sailing into a calm Spring and Summer. Remember much of what we worry about never happens - so stay positive and enjoy the best of each day.
Have a good weekend doing all the things you are best at around your home.
Hugs - Mary
Yay Brenda, you're on the Linky - I'm following ya!
Oh Brenda I hate to hear this possible news. After all you have been through. I hope he doesn't lose his job. You poor thing all that worry and then you were so kind to me this week. You are a dear. Good karma has to be coming your way. The flowers you chose are so very pretty and I am hoping you are feeling more at peace today.
Brenda, you have so many friends out here in blogland who are pulling for you. Your ex will still be responsibility for paying your alimony...sounds to me like he's just trying to scare you. I don't know his financial situation, but you KNOW he'll want to live in the manner to which he's grown accustomed, which means he'll keep on working. It's not like he's a grocery store checker!
Get your etsy shop up and running. Your fans will snap up everything you list, mark my words, and you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner!!!
Brenda, your journey has already been so full of upheaval, that it just doesn't seem fair for life to throw you another curve ball.
Those flowers are gorgeous, and I hope that they bring you some comfort.
Jen @ Muddy Boot Dreams
Hi Brenda,
I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about your and praying about your situation. I think the lady who suggested the free legal clinic is on the right track. I am looking forward to your etsy shop. I have seen several things I would like to have here at ladybug Cottage
Brenda, Go ahead and get that Etsy shop open. You don't have to wait until you have lots of things to fill it with. Start it with what you have and then keep adding to it. I know it is difficult and scary. My income has plummeted to almost nothing this month, but I have never starved and have never been homeless, so I know that God will take care of me. My grandmother always said, never borrow trouble, and she was right. I try to focus on the positive things in my life and laugh about the negatives. You have so much going for you and I have a lot of confidence in you.
Hugs,
Laura
My heart goes out to you, Brenda ~ I know you are still facing a lot of uncertainty. Is there any chance of your Etsy shop opening soon? How about the prospect of looking for a job outside the home?
Hugs,
Melanie
I so know how you are feeling. When I moved to Utah from California the memories and heartache came with me. I didn't have any money coming in, because my ex and I weren't married long enough to get anything from him. I lived and paid $900.00 a month rent on just making $7.00 a hour with no health insurance and living on food storage, mostly oatmeal for many years. Luckily I was finally able to get a job with insurance and a little bit more money. It's hard, I know Brenda. But, you never know what's in the future, something I've learned. All is not bad, and somehow, things always work out. Have faith!!!!!
My heart is with you Brenda, I understand how quickly what we think we have can be taken away...My husband was laid off from his job right before Thanksgiving "due to economic reasons"...Jobs are hard to find and often even harder to hold onto in these economic times. Add to that our "advancing" age (those of us in the "baby boomer" age group who have lost most of our retirement savings in this horrible economic down-turn and will need to work well into our 70's, finding and keeping jobs will be a huge issue for us) all of this becomes even harder to wrap our minds around. I hope your ex husband will be able to hold onto his position and you will be spared the heartache of lost income on-top of everything else you have been facing....hang on, have faith and believe that things will all work out, maybe not today but maybe tomorrow!
DO I LOVE THAT CALICO ROOSTER ON THE TABLE!!!!!
SORRY...i GOT CARRIED AWAY!!!!
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