I gaze out the window. Through the thick blinds, I see the slow dance of the ornamental grasses I planted last spring. If you stare at them long enough, their graceful waves will almost hypnotize you. Your eyelids flutter and slow, as you focus on their wispy plumes.
If you live long enough, you will love and be loved. You will feel your heart swell with the enormity of it. And somewhere along the line, you will almost surely get your heart broken.
There is a saying: No one can break your heart quite like a child can. There is a visceral truth in this. There is no more powerful love, no more painful a betrayal. Your heart could not feel any emptier. Than when your child has turned away.
Your heart stings when a lover betrays you. You think you will not ever feel joy again. You make a promise that you will never allow yourself to be that vulnerable again. But of course you probably will. Because the heart forgets the pain. Just as a mother forgets the pain of child birth. And chooses to do it again.
When you hold a baby in your womb, there is no more intimate a relationship. Your blood is their blood. Your heartbeat keeps theirs growing. You feel a tiny heel or elbow through the taut skin of your belly. And you can’t help but reach down to caress it. To tell the face you have not yet seen how much you love it.
Life is full of war and upheaval and tragedy and heartbreak. But methinks there is no greater heart break than when you have lost the love of a child, no matter their age. No matter the reason.
For in your minds eye, you can still remember that tiny foot kicking from the inside. Reminding you that you are, through an umbilical cord, little more than one. And that for a time, that tiny baby could not exist without you.
Until there comes a day, perhaps many years down the road, when anger replaces it. And you. The well of love has somehow gone dry. And there’s nothing you can do about it. Still, you remember. How can you not?
Brenda ~ my heart breaks for you. I don’t know what I would do if my Britt no longer spoke to me. Sometimes, she does get annoyed with me and I still feel the hurt and then I remember, how I was, how we all are at 23 years old. I have a saying myself, “I was much smarter when I was younger” Through the years you learn that you do NOT know everything and a day where you do not learn something is a day wasted. My thoughts are with you my friend ~
Well, I have cried for hours since writing this, which ripped me open, it seemed. So now I am going to force myself to reply to all your sweet sentiments. It is a difficult situation, and I live in/rent her house. She does not want contact, so I am respecting that. If I had somewhere else to move right now, I would.
Brenda
Gulp.
Tears.
I am praying for you both, maybe counseling? Oh Brenda, this is just so tragic and I so pray for you both to see that only love prevails, it is THAT important.
I have had pain but not this kind, I hurt for you and with you.
My deepest prayers,
Michele
Thank you, Michele. You have always been a dear blog friend, and I appreciate you very much.
Brenda
I am so sorry for you. There are no other words to say . . . just, no other words.
Lorri
You’re so right. There really are no more words. Just tears. And grief.
Brenda
Brenda I am so sorry–My grandmother used to say that when our children are little that they step on our toes, but when they are grown they step on our hearts! It’s a hurt that is so painful. I’ve been through this heartache and must say it’s almost more than one can bear. On a bright note, things are much better with our relationship–it took a lot of time and reflection on both parties. I wish the same for you too. ♥
Martha Ellen
I go for months and tread water pretty well. Then suddenly the wound comes open and I cannot get myself out of the funk. Today was one of those days. I so appreciate all you.
Brenda
Hi Brenda..give your daughter a call and let by gones be by gones!!! as simple as that..never bring up the past and just let it go!!!even God says we all need to forgive…if nothing else to make yourself feel better…then all will be better in just the time it takjes to pick up your phone…remember you are the mama~so be her mama!! Tell her you love her and you miss her…because you know you do!!! I would!!! Good Luck!!! Love ya! Carol
Carol, I know how dear your daughter is to you. And that you cannot fathom this. But I have spoken recently to her husband, and I think he would have let me know if it was okay to contact her. I don’t want to upset the grandchildren, so I will stay quiet for now.
Brenda
To me, the breakup between family has to be one of the hardest things for people to go through….lovers will come and go…but to break away from family is beyond bearing for all of those involved.
I am hoping that someday, somehow, it works out for the better.
A beautiful post so honestly written, maybe she will see this and change her mind.
Hugs to you Brenda, now go and make a cup of hot chocolate, it will give you some comfort.
Jen @ Muddy Boot Dreams
No, she won’t see this. She has never read my blog. I have held back from saying anything for so many reasons. My comfort comes from having such wonderful friends like you, Jen. You are so far away, but yet so close to me…
Brenda
I know the pain you feel very well Brenda. at first you wonder if breath wasnt spontaneous, if you’d be doing it at all. But we do breath and we cry and we grieve and we pray..
For me, its been a 6 year experience and I am hoping and praying this pain doesnt last anywhere close to that long…
my thoughts and good wishes are with you ..
You think you won’t be able to bear it, I know. But you do. Somehow you do. I’m sorry anyone has to go through this. So very sorry.
Brenda
My heart aches with yours.
Judy
Well, no one knows better than you Judy. Because it was literally handed to you at the last minute. And you have been there for me through thick and thin. I can never repay you for that.
Brenda
Brenda, today your post was a reminder of how I had hurt my Mother years ago.
I am now 68 and I regret everyday that we did not speak, (8 years).
The reason for the silence, broke my heart, but I felt I had to investigate my roots, and she was not a happy woman in fact she disowned me and took me out of her will.
8 years of silence. She never knew my last child, or my first grandchild.
The first time I heard anything was when my sister-in-law called to tell me my brother had passed away. He was 48.
Long story short…my Mother passed away 6 weeks later. We had 6 weeks to catch up and visit, however, our bond was broken and our conversations were weak.
I loved her, but she could never forgive anyone any transgression.
There is so much more to this story, and I am going to start blogging some stories about my life. I am at a place now, where I am at peace, and I can write without judgement or anger.
I would say to you and your daughter to forgive whatever happened, no matter who’s fault is was, and to sit down and talk until you reach peace. It could take weeks, but at least start the communication.
Loving you without seeing you.
S
Blogging, getting it out, can be cathartic. Many times it has been that way for me. I hope today it is also. So much loss, so much pain. And for what I don’t know.
Brenda
Brenda,
I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. But, you have many friends, here, on these pages, who truly are praying for you. Some of them have experienced something similar. Listen to them and learn from them and what they believe they should have done in hindsight, you can do in the present.
On another note, I have to tell you that this post of yours today is one of the most honest, well written pieces of writing I have ever read. I’m sure it will make a lot of people think, but more importantly, act.
Please take care.
Poppy xo
Thank you, Poppy. From being over at your blog today, I very much wanted to be where you are, see the scenery that you see. Looks like a magical place. I need a little magic right now. Thank you.
Brenda
Your post spoke to me today. My daughter has broken my heart and I’ve cried more tears from her actions than for any other loss in my life. We speak, and all, but she moved 2,000 miles away and took my two precious granddaughters away from me. They are 4 and 8. Her husband had decided he wanted to move back “home” and be by HIS mother and father, so he began to brainwash her over years and years and finally got her convinced that she hated this state of her birth and that his “home” was so much more wonderful, sunny and nice. We just spent an inordinate amount of money for the plane flights, hotel for a week and rental car for a week, plus buying gifts and meals for the girls all week – it had been a year since we’d seen them. ::sigh:: I know I am kind of crazy to be so upset, people all have children that move far away and have grandkids they rarely see and they don’t have a meltdown. I guess I’m just too dang sensitive. I agree with those who encourage you to call and close the gap with that child.. forgiveness even if you know it’s not your fault.. is imperative. Thinking of you… Teresa
I don’t think kids, no matter how old they are, really think what we might be going through. I think they have to get to our place to see what we see. I feel for you. I don’t see my grandchildren either. And that’s really tough.
Brenda
Beautifully written, Brenda. I don’t have any children yet, so I can only imagine how hard it must be. So sorry
Lest I sound callous, and I don’t want to be, think it through carefully before you do. Because it calls for a strength that is nearly beyond us.
Brenda
Hi Brenda, It has been months (almost 10?) since I sent you a package.(But I read you every day.) My family has had the same problem. Due to lies told by one sibling, and my parents choosing to believe her, I didn’t have contact with them for years. My mom died and dad needed a lot of help. Favorite daughter just wanted him to die quickly so she could inherit. As a Christian, I knew I needed to forgive unselfishly regardless of whose fault. So that is what I did. He continually favored my sister. For 8 years I took care of him. He lived with my husband and me, we spent the last 6 years of our retirement caring for dad. It was NOT easy. I never once accused him or got upset with him, only loved him with unconditional love of Christ. The Lord did a huge work in my heart. Dad died in June and a part of my heart feels like it is missing. I feel like I lost one of my children. If you make the effort, there is no promise your daughter will be even nice, but you will know in your heart you did the right thing.XO Pat McDonald
Part of your heart is missing what he never was able to give to you. You are just missing it more now because it is gone forever. I appreciate your package, your thoughtfulness, very much. I hope you have closure. I never knew my parents. They never knew me or their grandchildren. Sometimes I wish I could just pack up and go to parts unknown, someplace totally new.
Brenda
Hi Brenda, How brave of you to write with such honesty! I truely feel for your pain. It makes me sad to hear your words & also feel in those words the LOVE you still hold. My mom passed when I was 24 & I know that time is such a gift. I hope you & your daughter can get past the pain & move forward & love again:).Thank you for your very kind & sweet post. I had no idea you had my blog on your list, adding you know. Have a nice Sunday!
I can imagine that losing your mother at 24 was a loss you have grieved forevermore. Because she didn’t get to see you as a true adult. Time is a gift. You’re so right. Brenda
I agree, the bond between a mother and her child is special like no other. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling and I will keep you in my thoughts. I hope it all works out and you can patch up your relationship. Jean
I must abide by her wishes. I think my accident simply overwhelmed her. And she couldn’t handle the possible ramifications. Thank God Judy was there, though I’d only known her a few months.
Brenda
How heartbreaking, Brenda. My sister has done this to our mother several times over the years ~ a back and forth sort of thing. I see how awful it is and how it can rip a family apart. I am so sorry. I hope and pray that somehow you and your daughter can heal and repair your relationship.
I hope someday that we can. It just isn’t the time right now. I need to focus all my strength on healing this injury. I am not strong enough emotionally or physically to deal with the anger.
Brenda
Sometimes Brenda to heal your heart you must look to the future and just let the past go…no one is perfect in this world but we can choose how we want to feel in our hearts and let your mind be your guide…I have only one daughter and I know I would NEVER be happy again if I never did all I could to have her love me again…you yourself will feel better in mind and spirit if you do this for yourself…shes your baby!! be her mother!!!
I was trying to be her mother that night. It backfired on me. She doesn’t want me to be her mother right now. And because I want to be sure my grandchildren are okay and not caught up in this, I will stay away.
Brenda
I am so sorry for your pain…as if you did not have enough…
Our youngest daughter last weekend ripped my heart out and then tore it to shreds…without doing into great detail of the tremendous heartache she bestowed upon us – leaving us questioning ourselves as parents, completely turning our world upside down, mystifying us as to where this came from, creating ‘phantom’ hurts in her mind, ‘respressed’ memories of nonexistant things…we just have to believe that Satan is at work in her…that was not our daughter that day…this is not our daughter today.
I realize that I am just going to come out stronger and more complete that I ever was…it will take time for my husband and I to heal…and in the meantime we pray for her so earnestly.
Will we heal…yes…our relationship with her will never be the same…but we will respect her wishes and her ‘boundarys’ she has put in place so that her ‘triggers and tapes’ ‘will not go off in her head’.
Love does not stop in the face of hurt, anger or disappointment…we cannot make her see reason – her counseling sessions/counselors/peers have warped her way of thinking….so….we will stay away from her…allowing her to, through our intense prayer for her, heal and wake up…we also need time away from her to heal…you will know, Brenda, when the time is right to get in touch with your daughter again…we cannot completely close that door…the bond is broken…but the wound will heal.
Just vent, pray, and if you are doing what we are…it is like a greving process…hurt, betryal, disappointment, anger, rage, guilt…then it repeats…then it slowly begins to fade, because you choose to have love above all.
It is a difficult time, but you will heal…you have been made stronger by all you have gone through, and you will get thru this also. We both will.
hugs to you
Laura
May God be with you. I am so sorry. You must feel as though you’ve been ripped in half. It is a grieving process. Some days are better than others. Tomorrow will be better than today. I’m not closing a door either. Just not going to allow someone to trample me with that door. Hugs to you too.
Brenda
I think in our children’s thoughts as they grow they think they can do whatever they want. Treat us however they want and still get their way. I raised my son from the time he was born until he was 16. It was just his sister, myself and him. His father always gone. During and after the divorce his father said all manner of hateful things against me. One that worked. He said he had money for my son but I took it all. To this day my son believes I have money that belongs to him. What money? The support for his sister? He is now 38. He enjoys not looking at me when we go out to eat, and being hateful with both his sister and me. Have I changed toward him yes, I am no longer a door mat. Do I love him? yes. Will I give him money just because he says I will? No. If I owed him I would give it to him. I do not. He does not realize my love lifts through the years. Do I still love him yes. Does he break my heart like he once did? Not at all. Over time I may even stop asking him to lunch. It is difficult to be ignored and treated poorly and I think 22 years is enough. I hope his life is good. I hope that out there somewhere is a daughter or a son who sees this and knows that a parent can only try for so long. I wonder if when I am dying and he walks into the room if I will even remember who he is.
Oh, I felt your pain in every word! I am so, so sorry. How you could endure this for so many years just astounds me. I don’t know if it would make a person tougher or more vulnerable. I hope he sees the error of his ways before it is too late.
Brenda
Brenda, It breaks my heart to hear you’re going through so much with your daughter. My Mom and I were at odds a lot, but we were able to become friends again–once I grew up a little. What I wouldn’t give to be able to talk to her one more time. . .Don’t give up–don’t ever give up. I can’t believe you’ve lost her love–it’s there–it’s just hidden a little right now. . .
Love to you,
Dru
I won’t give up. I just know I must respect the timing of such a volatile situation. I keep thinking, every day, that I will come to understand.
Brenda
Brenda… I Understand. I went through this for two years. I experienced each of the stages of mourning that one has for a death. In the end I was just left feeling empty and distraught knowing how she would feel later in life, over the hurt she caused me… and knowing we had missed so much. I didn’t want her to suffer that pain with no way to repair it.
No matter how old they get, they are always our children. They tend to see themselves as separate from us but we will always see them as a part of us. When she gets older she will understand better.
Make the first step. You are older and wiser. Try again for both your sakes.
xoxo Bunny Jean
I did make the first step, four months ago. It was rejected. I am older and hopefully wiser. She will always be my baby.
Brenda
Prayers to God for your family
Thank you, Gail. Thank you.
Brenda
Oh, Brenda, I am so very sorry that your daughter has not yet apologized or contacted you. It is surprising to me, given the fact that she is also a mother and has felt exactly what you have so eloquently described (carrying a child in her womb). Others have suggested that you try to communicate with her, but only you can know if that is a good idea or if this is the right time. She will possibly never know how much she has hurt you unless her child does the same to her one day. I hope and pray it doesn’t take that long for her to realize what a horrible thing she has done to you.
My heart breaks for all that you have been through in the last year or so. Through it all you still have your beautiful flowers, lovely possessions, precious doggies and many blog friends who think of you everyday and pray that soon things will get better. ((((HUGS))))
That is what I tell myself, she will never know until it is her child. It is not the right time. For reasons I will not go into, it is not the right time.
Brenda
Brenda, I’ve probably missed some posts, so I’m not sure what you’re going through, but what one of your commenters said is what comes to mind. Regardless of what happened.. just pick up the phone and tell her you love her and you want things to be better. Let go of whatever it is that keeps you apart. It can’t be as important as having open communication with your daughter. Even if it is she who doesn’t want to communicate, just let her know, again and again.. that despite your differences or grievances, she is loved.
No, you really probably haven’t missed anything, Karen. Because I have been quite mum on this situation for many reasons.
Brenda
I went for 2 yrs without any contact with my son and it was painful. I did not even know where he was. I prayed every day for his safety and that he would contact me. My sister talked to him one day and encouraged his calling me and we have been in contact every since. sometimes all you can do is pray for an opening. I am so sorry that you came there intending her support bec of your divorce and then this too. Living alone, I know how important people like Judy are so thank you Judy!! – No matter what happened or what was said- you were hurting and in need- she cant be too proud of herself for abandoning you at this time. she has to come to terms with that- Ihope one day she reads your blog- she is missing out and wow what appreciation she could have for who you are and what you give to us. Once you back yourself in a corner it is hard to come out unless you have a lot of strength. The worst to me is she refusing her grandchildren a relationship with you- that is awful and punitive and they are suffering for it. I will pray she comes to her senses. You never know about life and what could be around the corner for her and she find herself alone and in need. Keep on keeping on- we support you.
Oh Sara, thank you for understanding. I am thankful every single day for Judy. Thank you for your support. It means the world to me!
Brenda
Brenda, My advice to you would be to take some more time and do not contact her right now. Process the situation (over and over) and more will reveal itself as you do. Each day you will have new insight and understanding of what happened. It must be very complex. Just keep letting her husband know that you care and think about her and your heart is broken. Time will not heal your heart, but it does allow for perspective and a little bit of clarity. It also takes the edge off the situation and you can see things differently and one or both of you may start to a need to reconnect. In the meantime, take care of yourself. And keep writing.
Oh, thank you! If someone would have told me a year ago, when I moved here, that this would happen, I would not have believed it. And then it did. I keep working it over and over in my mind. Could I just be unlovable? I mean, first the divorce and then right after that, this. Makes you question everything.
Brenda
My son and I had a falling out about two years ago. It lasted a few months and was made up. Boys are different. It is not so hard with them
As for girls I will go with my own experience. My troubles with my mom were deeper…for a year or more we had alot of difficulty… mostly because I was working through some issues of my own. This was at least ten or fifteen years ago or more though
Bottom line my mom and my younger sister were always closer..she was my moms favorite or loved easier than me. I just had to work through that and deal with it in my own way ….
It’s no big deal now but at the time it was hard for me to work through it.
All families have their painful issues, sadly
My prayers are with you! 
Sometimes I just wish I could move far away. I don’t have the funds or physical health right now to do so. It is so hard being so close to my grandchildren, yet not see them. Their birthdays are in December, and I don’t know what to do about that. And my daughters’ birthdays are in November.
Brenda
maybe just send gifts via mail and see if hearts melt ? BTW my son and the baby mama of my little grandson are not married and we’ve had difficulties over time ….I went at one time for about three months not seeing my grandson and it was so very very hard. My heart goes out to you….
Very sad post, Brenda. I hope your sun shines again some day.
Some days the sun shines very brightly. And then some days I can’t stop thinking about the time lost.
Brenda
Brenda,
I am the one who met you once..long ago, at a cross stitch show..with Jane.
Once you showed photos..of your daughter in the backyard with the kids..at Easter I think. At that time, I noticed a certain anger or hardness in her face. I wondered if I was crazy. But..she seemed angry, as if holding something in. She seemed on the verge of blowing up. That is what I got from that photo. You seem just the opposite. I hope I am wrong. I hope if I am right, that she can work through whatever angers her. I also hope that you can talk often to your other child. Hugs, Terry
I know what you mean. I think she was barely holding it in. I think when her sister moved away, she feared she would end up being the one who would be called upon to help me, should I need it, and she didn’t want to do that. And then the injury, and she found a way to get out of it all, didn’t she? I told her sister on the phone yesterday that she seems so hard and unforgiving, I hope my grandchildren do not see this.
Brenda
Brenda, I read this post with a lump in my throat. Your raw emotions and brutal honesty always make such an impact. I am so sorry for this rift with your daughter. I can only imagine how painful this is for you. I knew something was wrong for months when you only spoke of Judy helping you (Thank your dear God for this sweet angel you put into Brenda’s life) and prayed for you and your family. I knew you would share when you were ready. The pain of losing contact with your child after so many other loses (the divorce, your home, your ability to walk for so many months)is devastating. I want you to know I keep you in my prayers. I admire you strength and I pray one of these days the time will be right and you will once again be in touch with her and your Grandchildren. hugs, Linda
Truthfully I was afraid to say anything. But I just could not keep it bottled up inside any longer. Thank you for your continual and loving support.
Brenda
I understand this so well. We have not heard from Our Son for 4 1/2 years. Why we do not know. He was going through some rough times with his in laws, and it changed him into another person. We were caught in the fire so to speak. I have tried to reach out to him every year and still do not hear from him. My heart breaks whenever I think of him. Children will bring you the greatest joy, but also the worse heartbreak.
I’m sorry, for I know your pain. I don’t know if anything hurts any worse than this, unless it was to lose them altogether should they have an accident. They may be so close by, yet so very far away. It stings, it bruises, but we have no choice but to go on with respect for their decisions, however strange they may seem.
Brenda
I am praying for healing for you and your daughter. God bless you, Brenda.
Thank you so much.
Brenda
Sending you strength during this difficult period in your life. Praying you can find peace in this situation.
Sending you strength to deal with this difficult time in your life. I think you are one of the bravest and strongest ladies to have endured all that you have lately. May you find peace in your heart.
I guess we endure what we have to. What choice do we have?
Brenda
Your post today was beautifully written and heartbreaking. I can fathom only some of the pain you must be feeling, as my daughter and I have had a couple of short term conflicts, with telephone hang ups, and brief times of not speaking. Those were terrible times, for both of us. When we made up, there were as many tears as when we were mad at each other. Thank God we made up. I know you are suffering with heartache, and she probably is, too. Hopefully, time will be a balm for both of you, and these bad times will be over before much longer. You, and your daughter,and your grandchildren, will be in my thoughts and prayers. I am sure you know that there is much positive energy from your readers going out to you right now.
Yes, the positive energy from my readers keep me going, certainly!
Brenda
Hola, me encanta tu blog, hace tiempo que lo sigo, todo lo que comentas y tus fotos son maravillosas. Enhorabuena, y te seguiré mirando. Un abrazo desde España.
I cannot read your words, but I know they are sweet ones. Thank you for caring enough to write.
Brenda
Brenda, I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and I’ve witnessed your many hardships, but, oh, how I’ve admired your strength and courage. I am so very sorry for what you’re having to deal with right now on top of everything else that’s been piling up on you; i.e. your ankle. If I may, I’d like to share my story with you.
All my life, I had seen how my siblings mistreated my parents and when I was married, I saw it again with my ex and his sister in how they treated their mother. I would beg and plead my ex to visit his mother because he had his mom, all the while I was wishing I had my mom to visit (both of my parents died when I was quite young, late teens and early 20s), but he wouldn’t. Or he would say he would, and leave as if he was going to visit her, but I would find out later he never did go. I guess he would do that just to shut me up. I don’t know. The irony is my mother-in-law later told me she thought I was keeping her son from her. When she found out that wasn’t the case, she was hurt all the more.
I’ve learned a lot watching what my parents and mother-in-law went through, which has led me to take a different approach with my two adult children, and honestly, I won’t put up with either of them trying to push me out of their lives. They’ve tried that with me in the past, but it never worked. One time, my daughter went 6 or 7 months without speaking to me or coming to see me. Do you think I lost any sleep over it? No, I didn’t. I mean, it hurt and I missed her, but I wasn’t going to kiss her butt. I had my own life to live. Finally, she came crawling back crying, asking me to forgive her, which, of course, I did. I asked her was it worth it not talking to or seeing me, for however long it was, simply because she was mad at me. Naturally, she told me it wasn’t and realized that was time she can never have back. Silly, isn’t it?
Brenda, like you, I love my children. I’m good to them and I would never intentionally do anything to hurt them, but they’re wasting their time if they think I’m going to bow down to their childish drama just so they can get their way. I’m the mother. They’re the children. They don’t run over me. And if they want to try and tell me not to contact them, I say, “Fine! It’s your loss! You’re the one missing out on being with a wonderful woman, a woman who would die for you without giving it a thought, but hey, if that’s how you feel, then so be it.” It’s ridiculous to put up with that. I’m too old (I’m 51) and too happy to allow my children to steal my joy. To me, it’s like allowing them to take my heart “hostage” and have me pay some sort of “penance” in order for my heart to earn its freedom back simply because I’m their mother. That’s how I saw my parents and my mother-in-law. Their hearts being taken hostage; beaten, bruised, and smashed into pieces until they paid their penance for whatever they supposedly did or did not do, and by those they would have quickly died for, then everything would be right as rain. Oh, and if my parents or my mother-in-law happened to mention to their children how hurt they were by their actions, it would be my parents’ fault or my mother-in-law’s fault. It was so sad, not to mention pointless with so much time lost.
Well, anyway, that’s my story. All I can say to you, Brenda, is don’t allow your daughter to steal your joy. Just remember, you’re the mom. She’s the child. No, you might not can put her in a corner for acting the way she is, but you sure don’t have to let her hold your heart hostage. Take care of you!!
Rachelle
PS: Please forgive me for this comment being so long. I tend to get long-winded when I’m passionate about something.
Oh, I cherish your words of insight. I hope I can become strong enough to feel like you do. So it does not rob me of any more time than it already has. That too is a tragedy.
Brenda
I’m on my lunch break at work, and I wanted to stop by and check on you. I’m so glad you liked what I had written to you, but please don’t think I’m a giant that feels strong in overcoming anything. I wish I was. I just watched and learned, and made a choice which best suits me. You may not be there yet, and that’s okay. I say grieve if you need to. Hurt, cry, jump up and down, get mad. Throw something. No, don’t do that. You have too many pretties.
Punch a pillow. Whatever you need to do to keep this from getting bottled up inside you. Just don’t allow this with your daughter to rob you of your joy for too long. I wish I could write more, but I got to run, so you take care of you!
Rachelle
To Rachelle: Thank you for you words to Brenda…because they are helping me. Please see my “situation below”
Tebra
Today was my first day in reading your blog and I am UNDERSTANDING and SYMPATHIZE with you. Maybe it was FATE that I was blog searching today. I live in PA and have one biological son and two step-children….all adults with children of their own.
But back at Easter time, my granddaughter came up to me at the dinner table and said to me, MY GRAMMIE SAID HI and then she added…SHE FORGIVES YOU!!!! My husband and I were the only ones at the table….everyone else was outside in the yard. I asked her for what and she shrugged….she didn’t know. BUT “I” DID!!!
I called her mother inside ….my daughter-in-law and asked her about it. My son came in …..he wanted nothing in it. But left her and I “LOUDLY TALKING” about HER MOTHER USING HER GRANDDAUGHER TO FORGIVE ME about something that happened over 13 years ago BEFORE MY GRANDDAUGHTER WAS BORN.
What happened 13 years ago was my son and his soon-to-be wife wanted our help in finding a place to live after they were married and since I “HAD” been a realtor years before that they wanted my advice along with my husband’s! The MOTHER-IN-LAW to be called me one day and asked me over to her home to “talk to me about the wedding” so I went. When I got there I WAS AMBUSHED!!! She told me she wanted the kids to live with them and SHE DID NOT FEEL THEY WERE READY TO BE ON THEIR OWN ESPECIALLY TO BUY A MOBILE HOME!!! The phone rang. She answered it and made me wait 15 minutes until she was finished talking. When she got off the phone she flew into me short of hitting me but swearing at me that I had no right to help them!! I LEFT! Now during all the times we had ever been together….at the rehersal dinner, the wedding, granddaughters 1st birthday, other get togethers….NOT ONE TIME DID SHE PULL ME ASIDE TO TALK about this incident!!!!NOT ONE….but decided to use her granddaughter to FORGIVE ME!!!!I never said anything more to her about it since the kids buy a mobile home and they had a good start without living with her mother which my son did not want to. She and her mother don’t get along and that would have been a bad situation!
Needless to say…..I was hurt and my daughter in law LIED to me and later said her mother told HER to tell me SHE FORGAVE ME!!! The daughter-in-law said that HER MOTHER was hurt because HER MOTHER Felt “I” went behind her back to help them. I said why didn’t she tell her mother…..Well to make a long story short….I called my daughter-in-law a liar….told her she was not welcome in my house. I later retracted it and emailed her and my son with an apology but “IN THE INTERIM” my sister who lives in TEXAS got involved and she is a very jealous person with whom will say ANYTHING to anyone against me. She is married to a man for his retirement money only….which she has told me and even him….and years ago, stayed with a man that sexually abused her 13 year old daughter, then later climbed in a truck to become a truck driver and thought she could MOTHER FROM THE ROAD. But my daughter-in-law was and is in contact with her and now neither my son nor daughter-in-law will speak to me. I have sent my apologies to them and have tried to stay in contact and most recently sent my granddaughter a birthday card and also intend on sending them cards at Xmas and for their birthdays in January.
We have BEEN THERE for them when they needed money…sometimes giving them as much as $500.00 a shot plus buying them groceries before all of this happened. Now my son….with prompting from who knows…..is saying he has always hated me!!!!
I am 60 years old!!!! These are my last years of my life. There were times my mother and I didn’t get along but we trudged on. In fact I was holding her hand when she died of breast cancer 2 years ago. My sister wouldn’t even come up for her funeral because she said she didn’t have the money but is now in PA visiting a FRIEND who’s father has a liver problem and has only talked to me once because I called her to wish her a happy birthday in Sept. but she could not be here for me nor her mother.
I too have been heart broken but I really like what RACHELLE said…to not let them hold my heart hostage. And I will not. I will sent them cards for Xmas and birthdays but IT IS THEIR MOVE NEXT!!!!
So you hang in there Brenda.
A Friend in PA
Tebra
Tebra, I appreciate that what I wrote to Brenda helped you as well, but you were wrong in how you handled things with your daughter-in-law. It just seems to me you were also using your granddaughter as an opportunity to attack your daughter-in-law about her mother. For starters, you don’t attack someone’s momma. That’s a big no-no. And besides that, it was 13 years ago. It’s way past water under the bridge. You should have let it go, especially for the sake of your granddaughter. I hope she wasn’t in ear shot of your “loud talking,” bless her heart.
As far as you writing about all the help you and your husband have given to your children, I have a newsflash: THAT’S WHAT PARENTS ARE SUPPOSED TO DO! What do you want, a medal? Our children didn’t ask to be born. We, as parents, brought them into this crazy world. And as parents, we are, or should be, there to take care of our children and lend a helping hand, if we can. My children are single and work full-time jobs, and sometimes they get greedy and blow money, then wind up not having any to pay a bill. I help them out, but I don’t let them take advantage of me. It’s important to know when to decipher between the two.
Tebra, you must understand respect is not given. It’s earned. This is why it’s important to respect our children from the cradle and teach them how to treat us as they grow. Even the Apostle Paul wrote in Ephesians not to provoke our children to wrath, so don’t expect to tell your son’s wife she’s not allowed in your house and think everything is forgiven and forgotten. Only God forgets. Humans hold grudge. And as you’re approaching your twilight years, I think it would bode well for you to remember that.
Rachelle
You are definitely reading NOT reading what I wrote correctly…..”I” was not the one holding the grudge….AND I don’t know WHO you think you are judging me when you don’t know me!!!! OR THE WHOLE SITUATION!!! “I” don’t hold grudges….WE ARE FINISHED HERE!
Okay, Tebra, but I still stand by what I said. I’m not judging you. I’m honest to a fault and I call things how I see them. It’s who I am and I won’t apologize for it. I will say this one last thing. Your reaction screams volumes. If you were truly not holding a grudge, you wouldn’t have approached your daughter-in-law, and you wouldn’t be defensive with me now. Take care.
So sorry Brenda, my heart and thoughts go out to you. Life sure keeps finding ways to kick your butt doesn’t it. And yet you survive and you will thrive again. You are an amazing strong woman. Keep hanging in there, and things will be better again.
Love, Marianne
Thank you, Marianne. Thank you.
Brenda
Brenda, I would never attempt to advise you on this hetartbreaking situation. I have walked in your shoes. My daughter had an abusive husband, I found out and the mother came to the forefront. She chose to stay with him, left my house that morning with my precious grandson. I tried to call her once and when she heard my voice she hung up. The next time I saw her was to hold her hand as she lay dieing on a hospital gurney. Her husband survived the auto accident and so did my grandson. I am not allowed contact with him. I have come to terms with what happened thru God’s grace. Time does not heal all wounds, but gives a different perspective. This occured over 20 yeats ago. I cannot go back and change anything. God bless you, I know your pain.
Oh my, I am so very sorry. What a waste of time, and then you lost her for good. How painful this must have been for you! I know you miss your grandson. Hopefully one day he will seek you out. I hope I get that different perspective soon. Just when I think I have reached closure, something opens it up again.
Brenda
Brenda,
Your post is too hard for me to read right now, as I am going through the same thing! My only child, beautiful daughter, mother of my two grandsons has cut me out of her life once again for reasons I cannot begin to understand!! She did this to me for the first time 6 years ago when she was 24! The pain is unbearable on most days, thank goodness for a very supportive small group of friends!!
I will be thinking of you and sending prayers your way! Please just know you are not alone, it happens more frequently than I care to think!!
Keeping you in my daily thoughts!!!
Debbie
Sad to think it happens so often, isn’t it? I just felt so alone when I moved here. I knew no one else. And then met Judy months before my injury. If not for her, I don’t know what I’d have done.
Brenda
What a beautifully written heartbreaking post. I haven’t had this ‘break’ with close family but I had a time of being ignored by a dear friend/sister in law. I was able to ask what the problem was and we came to an understanding, but the year of thinking about her and her lack of attention was very hard on me. I can’t imagine the pain you have had. Thank God for Judy and her generousity in spirit. Your daughter must have a heart of steel to desert you in such physical distress. It is hard for me not to judge her. Prayers for your further healing and for peace.
Sadly, you cannot make up for that time. It is gone.
Brenda
Our greatest joy is sometimes our greatest sorrow. Time heals. We have to remember that this is God’s timing, not ours.
Yes, you are so right. What brings us our greatest joy often then brings us our greatest sorrow. So true.
Brenda
Dear, sweet girl, I am so sorry about this. My heart aches for you. You could not have expressed your pain or the beauty of a mother’s love more beautifully if you tried.
It is my prayer for you that there will be reconcilliation. There is nothing worse than being estranged from someone you love so much, particularly a family member. I hope for both of your sakes that the rupture will be repaired and the pain some day forgotten and replaced with the joy of togetherness. If I have learned anything over the course of my life, losing friends and family both, it is that life is fleeting, making each moment precious.
In the interim, hold tight to your blog friends and know that we care.
XO,
Sheila
I don’t think I could get through it if not for all of you. My fear is that if she can do this once, then she could do it again. She put a For Sale sign in my yard the night before my surgery. I went into surgery thinking I did not have a home. She had it taken down a few days later. I don’t think I can ever fully trust her again, no matter what happens.
Brenda
P.S. I just realized the title of this post is “In The Interim.” I wrote that last sentence without remembering the title. But I do believe this period of your life is that, “an interim” period, and I pray it’s a short blip on the big screen of your life and that all will be restored. That’s what I want for you. xoxoxox
I know, dear friend, I know.
Brenda
Brenda, I think everyone has said what I am thinking. I am so saddened by the rift between you and your daughter. As we don’t know what happened, it is really difficult to tell you what to do. Our children have the ability to rip our hearts to shreds. My daughters have hurt me many times,and I have just bitten my tongue and kept on loving them. I know that you love your daughter very much and the only thing you can do is keep on loving her. Let her know when you think the time is right that nothing she can do will make you stop loving her.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, dear friend. This has been a very difficult year for you. Please take care of yourself.
Hugs,
Laura
Thanks, Laura, for your kind words of support. They are greatly appreciated. With my living in her house, I fear divulging too much…
Brenda
Hi Brenda, Through our emails and things that you told me, I’ve know for the whole time about the disagreement between you and your daughter.. I have hoped all this time that good things would happen and your family would get back together.. I think about you everyday and am so glad that you have a friend like Judy to communicate with and do fun things.
Here I am, crying over a kitty that had to be put to sleep.. You have a daughter who has put her relationship with her Mom to sleep.. I can only imagine it has been like a death in your family, while the ones you love are still alive.
I hope it will be in the cards for your family to be reunited so you can see your Grandchildren and celebrate good times again~~~~someday ! I hope you can still communicate with your younger daughter.
As you sent me good Karma, so I am sending some to you today. Know that I think about you each and every day and am wishing the very best for you throughout your lifetime.
I think you have done a magnificient job of carrying on without your daughter’s love and attention. I’m wondering if she is having the least bit of regret for her actions. If she has any conscience, she has to have some kind of regret.
We women who write to you and care about you wish there was something we could do to make things much better for you. Hold on tight, God is not finished with you or your daughter yet..
Love and hugs,
Charlotte in Va.
Charlotte, of course you are crying over your kitty! You loved that cat, and I have cried for months over a pet I’ve lost. Let yourself grieve. Just let go and let yourself grieve your loss. I have always known you were in my corner and cared about me. And I have cherished that bountiful friendship so very much!
Brenda
I think it would be wise to follow Carol Pirozek’s words. She is so right. We are the parents, and we need to take the first step. Just tell your daughter that you feel terrible about what has ensued. Tell her you miss her and love her, and want to leave the past behind you and ask her to forgive you. Even if it is not your fault, you can move to heal the rift. She seems to have done a lot for you, in buying the house and fixing it up the way you wanted it. She is probably stressed with working and rearing two little ones. I know you are stressed, too, but in taking the first step toward, reconciliation, you could have your daughter and your grandchildren back in your life. An apology is a small thing to accomplish that.
I have done that. It was not effective.
Brenda
Brenda, don’t let time pass. None of us know how much time we have left. Nothing is more important than this relationship. She loves you because she helped you get the house and move there. Don’t move. If you cant talk, write her a letter and pour your love out to her. You write beautifully.
I have tried emailing when this first occurred. But I don’t really know what I’m apologizing for.
Brenda
I can’t say more than has already been said here. I hope you know that you are always in my thoughts, and I continue to hope that this will soon be resolved for you and your family. Love you, sweet friend.
Love you too, Andrea.
Brenda
I agree on writing a letter. Letting her know how much you love and miss her. Let her know you miss the grandchildren and would never say anything to them about their mom. My mother and I had a falling out and though we started speaking again a few months after Mother never got over it. I spent the last month of her life taking care of her as she was dying from liver cancer. She would tell my brothers she loved them. Tell my husband what a great man he was and though I waited to hear I love you as I held her hand while she took her last breath I didn’t hear it. I know she loved me but she was saving face by making herself believe it was all my fault. I did tell her in those last few minutes that I loved her, and forgave her. I got that chance. Please don’t wait too long. Life is precious. We never know how long we have to tell our family we love them.
Problem is, I don’t think either of us will truly get over it. The chasm is too wide. Life is precious, but quality of life is also precious. I have to have calm in my life after the last years of turmoil.
Brenda
Oh Brenda, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I don’t think there is a parent out there who hasn’t been hurt or betrayed by their child at times. There has been plenty of rifts with myself and my girls at times and I swear I would recite the Serenity Prayer as a mantra. I sent many letters and cards even if I didn’t get a response, because I was determined that if it were to be permanent, I would know I did everything in my power to make it right. The phrase ‘when a child is their least lovable is actually when they need the most love’. Being a Mother is a gift, a blessing and the source of our deepest feelings. I pray that you both find a way back to each other. As far as your grandchildren go, if you don’t feel comfortable sending them cards or gifts, give them to you SIL and let him decide when the time is right. This too will pass!! Stay strong!
Thank you, Donna.
Brenda
Dear Brenda, I feel the pain as you have written it here so beautifully. It is an impossible situation for a mother to be in. Thank God for Judy. “Before you know what kindness really is you must lose things, feel the future dissolve in a moment like salt in a weakened broth.” Naomi Shihab Nye “Kindness” That is a quote I have contemplated a lot recently. Judy has been that real kindness for you. xo, olive
A beautiful quote. Thank you for sharing it with me.
Brenda
Brenda,
I read your blog every day, but I think no more. There are 2 sides to every story. From what you have written in the past, your daughter has done much for you. I am not saying who is wrong, because I do not know..probably a little of both. While you do write beautifully and take beautiful photos, you do seem to have a negative aspect all the time. I realize what you have said in the past of your childhood and depression, but with the medication and therapy I would think there would be some joy and gratefulness.
I say this not to be mean. I have a mother who is never satisfied, never enough done for her always poor me. No matter how far you go, you should have always gone one step more. It seems as though your daughter took on a lot, and with a family of her own. Perhaps you need to step back, apologize for your part and move on. Her husband also seems lovely.
As to carrying her under your heart, yes you did, but that in no way indebts her to you. It was your job to love and care for her. She obviously loves you or she would not have stepped up to the plate. Don’t forget, she too had major adjustments. I am sure she is missing her sister.
This is not my real name, not because I wish to hide, but because I would never defame a family member on a public blog. I feel that was uncalled for. If you wish to discuss it with your close friends that is one thing, but to discuss your daughter in an unkind manner on a public forum is not charitable at all.
I hope you take this in the manner if was intended. I am a mother and a daughter to a very difficult mother. Not knowing all the facts, I have to go with your daughter on this one.
Ann,
I do not know Brenda but I read her blog everyday as well. Eventhough we are reading the same words, I do not see the “negative aspect” that you describe. Perhaps we are coming from different perspectives. I see strength, determination and resolve to be positive in the midst of several less than favorable situations.
I do not believe that she defamed her daughter in any way, in fact, she has done nothing but express love for her daughter and grief they they are at odds.
Your very last line, “Not knowing all the facts, I have to go with your daughter on this one.” Please read your own words outloud and see if they make sense. We don’t know any of the facts but you have already decided who is at fault.
Honestly, what good will come from your post?
Thanks Sherri. I have to say I was blind-sided by that last comment. Perhaps I should not have spilled my heart. It was not at all to defame her. If I’d wanted to do that, I would have gone into specifics. I simply wanted my blog friends to help me with this, to share if they’d had something similar happen. Which they have done with many emails privately. Thanks for shoring me back up when I felt like going down after that one. What does having to use a fake name have to do with my daughter? Why not just be truthful if you are not reluctant or uncertain about your words? Do you think it was her “difficult mother” she was relating to?
Brenda
Feelings for her mother were directed at you. She said to you what she probably has wanted to say to her own mother, but never could.
Well, now maybe she will feel better and she will let go of the bitterness. You helped her do that.
The next time someone wants to use you as a pincushion, they might give you at least a 24 hour notice so you can brace yourself!
Sorry you had to deal with that comment, my friend. It makes me very angry. And using a fake name? Cowardice.
“I say this not to be mean.” Gee, Anne. If you were not saying those things to be mean, then what was your intention? Kindness?! Please. You knew when you were writing your comment you were being mean and hateful, AND doing so anonymously is the coward’s way. Well, you need to heed to some sage advice, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Rachelle
NO RACHELLE YOU ARE JUDGEMENTAL MEAN SO-CALLED CHRISTIAN WACKO!
Goodness, Tebra. Does the truth hurt you that much? If you’d like to take it up with me in a private forum instead of spamming Brenda’s comment section with vicious attacks, I’d be glad to give you my email. It’s reavenson80@gmail.com Feel free to contact me.
My guess is you are closer to this situation than you want others to realize. I read Brenda everyday. I may not know the other side of the story but I do know I didn’t read anything negative about her daughter. I see a mother who loves her children both very deeply. Now, if the said daughter has a guilty conscience, she might read those words and those in the readers’ comments, as siding against the daughter. If you read the comments and the post with a neutral eye, you will see everyone, Brenda included, wants the two to work things out.
You are given limited amounts of time on thie Earth. Spend it wisely and forgive and move on. You can’t go back and erase memories but you can go forward and make new ones. We should all practice being the type of person we want out children to be.
My comments were directed to Anne. I think I replied to the wrong comments. I apologize.
Wow. Anne, you presume too much. You don’t know Brenda. You don’t know her daughter. Brenda has never mentioned her daughter’s name. She would never do so. She has never discussed the details of the incident. Nor would she. You, Anne, have a perfect right to your opinion. But it is clear that it comes from a personal hurt of your own. Projecting that onto Brenda is not only unfair, it is wrong.
I agree that a public forum can be very harmful. My son no longer speaks to me as a result of his wife bashing repeatedly our family on her blog. Although I read it, I didn’t say anything to him. He found it on his own and was extremely upset. In fact, I thought they would split over it. Obviously, they had a number of other issues as this one thing along would not have caused a rift. That being said, three years later, he simply said his wife told him to chose between his mother or his wife. And he no longer had the energy to fight it – he chose his wife. It hurts, yes, very much. And I miss him like crazy and always will. I hope that some day he will realize that he made the choice to walk away. While I understand and agree that his wife should be first in his life, I will never understand her in putting him in the position to make such a decision.
I hope this heal for you soon and you find the peace you need.
Yes, a public forum can be harmful. But I have never said her name on this blog. No one knows who she is. She is just known my “daughter.” I am sorry your son had to choose. That was unfair, to say the least. Maybe it is best sometimes when family agree to not only disagree, but part ways. Life is short. I’m not going to waste it by begging someone who will not consider coming to the table . If anything, this forum has made that decision more firm.
Brenda
Hi. Brenda, I have been following your blog over the past few months as you’ve admirably coped with your injury, surgery, and recuperation. I haven’t commented in awhile because of events taking up time in my life, but, this particular post seems like a good time time to jump back in and say, you are in my thoughts and prayers, Brenda, and so are all the others here who are having family issues. I have found this blog to be one that I can use for contemplation and meditation, and I thank you so much, Brenda, for continuing to provide so many thoughts and photos that can move our hearts and minds.
Could “Anne” be your daughter? Posting her feelings but ashamed to use her real name? Sounds like a daughter with a lot of resentment.
Dearest Brenda,
I know this pain. I wish I didn’t. I wish you didn’t. I’m sorry.
Clara
I have just seen the comments to my post.
1) I am not closer to the situation then I would like to admit. I have read this blog for a long time and even offered kindness and sympathy when life dealt Brenda a bad blow.
2) I agree with a post that Sherri posted. My last line was off base. I don’t know the whole story so I should not have chosen a side. What I should have said is that I can identify with her daughter.
3) I did not write the post to be mean, and no I did not think it was. Pointing out another view and opinion from a different perspective is not mean.
4) Yes, it was very rude and inconsiderate to her daughter. This is a point driven home by the many nasty comments by the “lovely” readers that followed. Perhaps you should comment on those posts as well.
5) I do believe what I said, but I am not going to point out instances here and slam Brenda. That was never what I intended to do.
I believe that is what got my goat, seeing people jump on the bandwagon to speak ill of her daughter. I don’t believe Brenda is a mean and nasty person. I have seen several things that remind me of my mother.
You can offer support and comfort to a person without taking it from someone else. Apparently, many commenters do not know how to do this.
I am not a coward. I spoke ill of my mother and I would never want that out there publicly. As you now see, you can respond and I will address the issue.
As I stated, I didn’t think I would visit this post anymore, and now I am sure I will not.
I’m going to copy and past this comment so that you can see it under your latest comment “Anne”
Wow. Anne, you presume too much. You don’t know Brenda. You don’t know her daughter. Brenda has never mentioned her daughter’s name. She would never do so. She has never discussed the details of the incident. Nor would she. You, Anne, have a perfect right to your opinion. But it is clear that it comes from a personal hurt of your own. Projecting that onto Brenda is not only unfair, it is wrong.
Dear Brenda, I’m finally catching up after not having the computer working since Saturday night, w/some slight withdrawals I might add! You and I have had many conversations over this , and it is so painful to hear what has happened to you. You know my own story of my step-son essentially doing the same thing with my daughter and I, and he’s ignoring his very sick father. His father could pass tomorrow and yet he hasn’t seen him in 2 years because he’s mad at his step sister, and now has disowned me because I won’t side w/him. How people get to be this shallow is beside me. You are such a strong person, and by far one of the most positive people I know in spite of all you’ve been through in the past two years. The support you give to others is amazing. I’ve always remembered this poem from a 3rd grade teacher and even though it talks about friendship family relations fit into it perfectly: Friendship is like precious china, delicate, old and rare; if broken it can be mended, but the crack is always there. How true this is even with family. As Ever, Annette
“Friendship doubles the joy and divides the grief”
Judy
I’m going to add a comment at this late date. My sister has cut herself off from us for 9 years now, so I know what Brenda is going through. I also know the whole story about her daughter and have since it happened. After a while, my friends, apologizing for something you didn’t do wrong and for something that the other person won’t even speak to you about or let you address becomes pointless. Brenda’s daughter is an adult with children. She is perfectly capable of taking responsibility and reaching out to Brenda. If she chooses not to, it is her loss.
And what the heck is going on with all these mean spirited comments? I’m deeply shocked by them. Do any of these help Brenda? Do they lift her up? I seriously doubt it.
My sister, who is the person that I am closest to in the world, is dying of lung cancer. This is a woman who supported her daughter in every path she took in the world including many that most other mothers would have trouble with. Her daughter has not spoken to her for 3 or 4 years due to her husband hostility to our family. She will never have the opportunity to ask her mothers forgiveness or to express her love and gratitude for all her mother has done for her. I get so sad knowing that she will have such intolerable regret one day. I wish much, much better for you family.