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Have you ever known anyone who went missing?
And do you know why they say “went missing?” I’ve always wondered that. Seems kind of an unusual pairing of words to me. I think it’s the use of the verb: went missing; go missing. The person that is missing is oftentimes abducted. It wasn’t their choice to “go” anywhere. So the use of the active verb kind of bothers me a bit.
I admit, I was once fixated on this mysterious topic. But that was a long time ago, when I hung around with detectives and went to morgues and wrote about murders. Before I bought books on planting herbs and got into identifying birds and studied gardening methods.
Maybe it’s because my family “went missing” before I ever really knew them. So I always kind of felt like odd man (woman) out when people spoke of their family. Which is probably why I’m scouring the internet for this the week before Thanksgiving. You get my drift.
I guess everyone has heard stories of: “so and so’s husband left the house to get a gallon of milk down the road and never came home.” Can you imagine what that would be like? You wait and you wait. You wonder if something bad has transpired. You wonder if he had a heart attack and is lying in the bushes someplace waiting on you to send help. You wonder if he has a secret family in another city and has finally skipped off to play daddy there, never to return. You wonder, and you wonder, and you wonder. Or at least that’s what I’d assume anyway.
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You’d be amazed at how many sites there are where missing people/children are concerned. There are banners you can put on your blog/site that flashes missing people every few seconds. I’d like to say I’m big enough to put one on my blogs, but then I think I’m too chicken to have it staring me in the face all the time.
And really, that’s got to be somewhat selfish. Considering the people who are sitting at home just waiting for someone to see them on your site and say, “hey, isn’t that the guy that works down at the lumber yard?” Or: “Didn’t we see that kid with that older guy at the convenience store last weekend?”
And the mystery is all of a sudden solved. I’d like to be one of those courageous folks. Really I would. But then if he does have a second family and that’s why he’s working at the local lumberyard, that woman who still misses him and wonders where he is and if he’s still alive is going to have her heart broken.
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Here’s the statistics on missing children, the most innocent of our human population, I guess you might say:
- Nearly 800,000 children younger than 18 are missing each year, or an average of 2,185 children reported missing each day.
- More than 200,000 children were abducted by family members.
- More than 58,000 children were abducted by non-family members.
- 115 children were the victims of “stereotypical” kidnapping. These crimes involve someone the child does not know or a slight acquaintance who holds the child overnight, transports the child 50 miles or more, kills the child, demands ransom, or intends to keep the child permanently.
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I can’t imagine anything more horrifying. You’re at the weekend farmer’s market with your four year old. You see the best looking tomatoes. You let go of his/her hand for just a minute, so that you can pick a few up and look for blemishes. You’re thinking about lunch and how good a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich would taste. Iced tea. Some cake for dessert. You turn around, and he/she is gone. Gone.
Your heart skips a beat, and then starts racing. That rush of adrenalin that is primordial. You call his/her name. Then you start screaming it. People start looking your way. They get the message. The crowd that was looking at vegetables and fruit just like you were a moment ago are now running in all directions, looking. Getting the word out. The crowd becomes a jumbled scene of people stopping and starting, trying to think where to look. Staring into every face, wondering: “Did you take that child? Are you a monster?” Is there a pedophile in their midst? A person that looks ordinary just like them but has whisked a child into the trunk of his car and is already blocks down the road?
Okay, down to the nitty gritty. The reason I am so mesmerized by all this. I once stood in the room of a girl that has never been found. She was barely 13. She would be 44 now. At the time, it had been about three years since she disappeared.
I am haunted by that room. The bed all made up. The photos staring at me from framed glass. The things a 13 year old girl in that day and age had in her room. The stuffed animals. Oh geez, those stuffed animals are the worst. You never can wash your mind of them. You just can’t.
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The presents stacked up. Every birthday and Christmas since she’d been gone. Hoping one day she’ll come home and open them.
The murdered children won’t leave you either. Once you dig into the case and memorize every fact and write about it. But, horrible as it is, from a writer’s standpoint, at least you have a period at the end of the sentence that tells where they now are. You visit their graves, and there’s at least a feeling of closure.
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But the ones that are missing, I think about every year on the anniversary. I figure the family, the ones I interviewed, many are dead and gone now. The house may have been sold and the room finally taken apart. The last vestiges of her are probably finally gone. Except in that corner of my mind where the memory of her still resides.
On this cold gray November day, I went online to the data banks and looked her up. To see if there was any information I didn’t have. There wasn’t. And I looked into her 13 year old face as I have countless times over the years.
But there was something I hadn’t seen before. An age progression. What she would look like now.
In the grainy progression photo, conjured up by some computer program, she was the spitting image of her mother.
I am so grateful that I am not one of those poor parents waiting, hoping and praying year after year for the one who may never return home. Not knowing would be the worst heartache. I think the term ‘went missing’ is something we picked up from the Brits, I noticed that it has not always been used in this country up until a decade or so ago, but the British use it as a way of saying of the person is missing and no one knows why they’re missing. Anyway, it is a tragic and sad thing that seems to be increasing each year often without a trace.
I can’t imagine the wondering, and years passing, and never ever knowing. I just can’t. The internet makes it so easy for predators to take hold of children and win their trust. Parents must be very vigilant.
Brenda
What happened to your family? Who was it that you knew who disappeared? I think that’s what it was called before “went missing” became the norm. Very thought provoking post. We lost our daughter at the mall one time, found her sitting on a chair in front of the ice cream store. That was nightmarish. Hugs, Teresa
I was abandoned at six weeks of age, or to be perfectly honest, traded to pay the rent. I finally ended up with my maternal great-grandmother till she died. The girl that disappeared was at the Oklahoma City state fair with her friend. A man in a big truck lured them and two young boys away, saying he’d pay them for unloading stuffed animals. The boys he dropped off. The girls were never seen or heard from again. I did not know the girl before this happened. I only wrote about the case a few years later. Then began a correspondence with the man thought to have taken them a few years after that. There wasn’t enough evidence for that crime. But he was serving time for another abduction, in which one girl got away. He kept saying he would tell me what happened if I’d go to Wyoming and see him in person. The FBI blocked it. They were more interested in the written correspondence, I later learned. He has since died. And I guess the answers died with him.
Brenda
Brenda..
I too lost my son when he was 3 years old,while fabric shopping with my sister in law. we each had our children in their strollers..somehow,keith climbed out and did not answer me when i noticed him gone.Sister in law raced to the front of the store..the doors were immediately locked,allowing no one to depart nor enter.. a thorough search was underway! I in the meantime was a basketcase! Thankfully keith was located a short time later, nearby ,hiding under a bolt of fabric!
the same feelings happened just a few days ago when I became seperated from my brother in Walmart..he has issues which make him vulnerable..fortunately he too was found, outside the store leaning against my car! his was sadder because he was an at risk adult..could’ve gotten into anyone’s car..and heaven only knows.. I am so thankful we were lucky in both cases..
love you Brenda!
Loui♥
Very smart of the store to immediately lock the doors and not let anyone in or out. About your brother, I feel so sorry for at risk adults. They are extremely vulnerable and therefore can easily be taken advantage of. My grandmother was the same way. Raped when she was out with her younger sisters, and they were supposed to be watching her. Thus she had my mother. Tragic, that others take advantage like that when they know that person could not possibly consent. Now it would be a crime and prosecuted. So I’ll never know who my grandfather was. And she has been dead for years now. Neither she or I knew where my mother was or is.
Brenda
WOW, what an intense subject…and one that definately needds to be addressed.
I thank God every day I have nev er had to feel this kind of pain – and feel so much concern for those who do. I cannot even fathom it’s depth of despair.
I am outraged at these statistics, too, Brenda, just incredible – esp with “Big Brother Watching” and all the technolgy we have….how do these precious lives end up missing???????????????????
Time for more prayer, indeed.
I can’t imagine going to my grave never knowing what happened to my child.
Brenda
Great job, Brenda!!!! Thank you for bring the “missing” to our attention. About the phrase “go missing” or “went missing” . . . I believe the verb was added around 10 years ago, as the result of all broadcasters/writers/pr peeps adopting the “Associated Press Stylebook” as the “bible” for media wording and phraseology. It still irritates me . . . another phrase change as a result is “on holiday”. I learned about the AP “Bible” from my son, who is a Public Relations professional.
About the actual “missing” in our world . . . I also am outraged at the sheer number and haunted by the aftermath that family, friends and communities go through as the result of a missing person. I can not imagine the anxiety, the grief and the questions that linger for those who “lose” a loved one.
I pray for the “missing” daily because I know that to God, they are not truly “missing”. I pray for God’s mercy for the families.
Thanks again for posting this serious, well-written article, Brenda.
Marcia
Thank you for telling me where we got those phrases. I knew we didn’t have them years ago in the US. Explained perfectly!
Brenda
I’m grateful for Marcia’s information, too, because I, like you, was bothered by “went missing.” I remembered that we hadn’t ALWAYS heard it put that way–just for the last few years.
Brenda, I am grateful to you for this thought provoking article. I will share it, and I hope many others do. It would be wonderful if someone who had “gone missing” was found as a result of your sharing this.
Hi Brenda! we have had numerous attempts here in our city of children being abducted..a white van with 2 men in it have been all over and in nearby towns close to us too…2 12 year old boys were off the school bus maybe 2 minutes walking home when a man jumped out and tried to get one of the boys…he screamed and kicked so the guy inside the car said let him go hes a fighter..come on…lets go…so scary! last week they tried getting a litle 8 year old girl walking home..all the schools and parents have been notified to be on the alert…my daughter has told my grandchildren to kick and fight no matter what and do whatever you can but NEVER let them get you into a car because if you run the chances of them shooting you would be less than ever getting in the car because then no one will find you…takes me back to when I was 5 years old a man came and lured my 12 year old brother outside for some candy in his car..little did he know my Mother was working in the garden down on her knees pulling weeds when she seen him trying to get David into his car…my Mom says what do you think you are doing??He lied and said oh I am selling life insurance would you like o buy some? my Mom said no and told him to leave…she went into the house and called the police but by the time they arrived theman had went around the corner and strangled a little boy to death who was outside in his yard playing hide n go seek with his brother…my MOM testified against this man and put him in prison for 50 years…he was released a couple years ago and I am still nervous about him finding my Mom and going after her for identifying him…no one is really safe in this world we live in..I am always looking and watching whatever I go! we all have too…Love ya! Carol
Oh Carol, that most certainly would have been your brother had your mother not looked up and stopped it. How close a call that was. No, no one is safe. There are predators everywhere. And now they have the internet.
Brenda
Unfortunately my daughters had a friend go missing when they were in high school He has never been seen, heard from or found. I can’t drive by his old house without thinking of his poor parents and the agony they must feel. It’s been close to 18 years. The statistics you cited are staggering, Brenda, and I can’t imagine the pain that is felt by so many people who have to deal with this daily.
I will never forget the day when I was riding the MTA bus to high school and I saw the face of one of my childhood girlfriends on a missing children sign. Having grown up in the era of faces of milk cartons.. I never dreamed that I one of those missing people would be a friend. (She was found years later.. she ran off with an older man and later married him)
I have a hard time with my 21 year old daughter who does not understand why I worry when she doesnt warm me when she is changing her routine. ” Mom.. I am 21 years old. I am not out drinking or drugging. I am not sleeping around.. I am just out. Stop worrying!” I can’t tell you how many times I have said.. it’s not you that I am worried about! I guess as parents.. we will always hover and worry ~ that’s what we do. : )
I always make a point to look closely at any missing persons listing that I see ~ you just never know.
Have a great thanksgiving Brenda.
Right now, here in West Texas — not far from where we live — a young girl, Hailey Dunn, has been missing for over a year now.
Little innocents, preyed upon — and parents left to wonder about their babies –it is just heartbreaking.
My children never understood why Momma worried about them so and was so protective (to them overprotective)…now that one of my daughters has children (two little girls), she understands.
A gutwrenching, powerful post —
Be Blessed — today and every day!
Laura
When my son was about two and half, we were in a small mall with a small food court. Kind with a counter to order food, and maybe ten by fifteen square with tables.
Ordered our food/paid, then sat my small son down at table right next to counter. (to hold table). Turned around picked up food, and son was gone. It was a small area, so easy to scan quickly, and no site of son.
I frantically asked if anyone had seen him, no response. Was getting ready to scream loudly for security (litterly), and small son popped up from under a table full of people.. Giggled at me and said peek a boo.
All the persons there seemed to think this was hilarious… I witheringly said… did you not realise I thought he was “missing”? Still laughter…
I was furious..not at my son who thought a game of peek a boo was fun, but all the tables full of adults, including the one a strange child was hiding under….
I guess it was a cheap lesson for me, as i was even more careful..However…
This is one of those posts that make my fears rise to the surface like air bubbles under the water. I have been too close to this situation and it is, as you say, a haunting that never ends- xo Diana
I have just been watching 48 Hours, about “The Highway of Tears” in Canada, where several young woman have disappeared and/or been found murdered. Gut wrenching.
A great many years ago, my great-grandfather went out by the barn to chop firewood. When he did not return, his wife sent their son to tell him to come in. He was gone, the ax stuck in the chopping block. No sign of him, and there never was. My grandmother was a small child at the time, but she talked about that until she died. Horrible for a child, but so much worse for a parent.
Heartbreaking. And hard to think about. Losing a child and not knowing where he or she was would be a painful ache that would never leave.
I can’t imagine anything worse than your child being missing. It puts everything else in your life into perspective. I do know two women who are my mother’s age who had their husbands leave to get a pack of cigarettes and never come back. You can only wonder what they were thinking.
Hugs,
Laura
I once met a woman and held her sweet infant a couple of times. He was placed in foster care at a couple of months old, left home alone by the foster parent, and never seen again. No one was charged, and no one admits to anything. He’d be 14 now. Marlon Devine Santos. How I wish I had offered to take him when she still had him. I know she’d have said yes, but I had a two year old grandson living with me already, and so I didn’t suggest it.
Wow. Powerful, Brenda. And your heart just breaks for all involved with missing person. My father is actually in the NamUs database. He was lost at sea when he fell while boarding a ship off the coast of Delaware, in Delaware Bay. He was a ship’s pilot.
You know what’s horrifying? When they’ve found remains and they contact you for DNA sample, like I was last year. As a woman, I’m the carrier of mitochondrial DNA – the only sample they can take from bone fragments. And you know what? I still haven’t sent my sample in – even though the DNA test is sitting at the local police station. And even though the Delaware Medical Examiner has called several times. Because as horrible as it sounds… Sometimes it’s easier not to know.
What a beautifully written, powerful post, Brenda. I spent ten years of my long nursing career as a Child Psych RN at an inpatient hospital for emtionally disturbed children. What I learned there (and from one of the top child psychiatrists in the country) is that we as parents cannot be too protective of your children! We must be over-protective! That coming from a child psychiatrist! We must protect them! I felt I already knew that as a Mom but it was definitely reinforced during those ten years. I pray for the parents and the children who are missing (or worse). I pray for God’s mercy and that those children would be found in time. As a grandmother of eight, it tears my heart apart to see the shows or hear the news of yet another abduction or murder. I pray for the families and that the children will be found in time.
This is a really excellent article! Our community has some experience with that sort of thing, with the following URL being to what is on Wikipedia about it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Springfield_Three
My father left home at 17 and told his family he would never see them again. And he stuck to it. He was missing for 60 years. I found them on the internet and we have reunited although my dad died a few years before they “found” him/us again.
I cannot begin to imagine the grief and agony.
- The Tablescaper
Brenda, as the grammy of two babies, I worry about them. My son and wife of course grew up in the sphere of milk carton kids, I know and that my son and also his wife as children were watched vigilantly when they were out with us and playing..I can only pray that they remember this and do the same with their children, which I’m sure they will. I wish I felt like I could forward this blog post to them..and I probably will if that is ok with you, just as a reminder..in a way I don’t want them to think I don’t think they are careful with their children, on the other hand, a reminder is always ok!
I can’t imagine the ‘not knowing’..horrifying..
Barb
I think its so great that you posted about this. So many kids are themselves lost to sex traffic world. I wish more bloggers would post about missing people/or children at least once a month. More would be a wonderful service.
I know a woman for whom this is her field of study. More specifically, she counsels those left behind that are dealing with an unresolved loss. It’s hard enough to deal with the loss of a child or other loved one, but when there is no resolution, the family is left hanging between hope and grief. She has a blog in which she explores these issues (http://www.thatspaceinbetween.com). It is a haunting subject, indeed.