I made this little crazy quilt a long time ago. You can let your creativity go wild with abandon when you’re working with all these stitches.
I guess they call them crazy quilts because there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to how they look. Just a bunch of fabrics sewn together and highlighted with stitching. Like roads that look like they’re going nowhere, but somehow manage to intersect.
Fabric and buttons and thread have made up a big part of my adult life. At about 30, I yearned to have a quilt. But I couldn’t afford to buy one.
So I just started sewing one day. I didn’t have a sewing machine. So everything I made was sewn by hand. I made quilt after quilt. Mostly simple patchwork.
I found true serenity sewing through the three layers, making the quilt sandwich, and binding them together into one piece. I remember my kids kept asking me when I was going to do something besides simple squares.
I just smiled. I liked the way squares find their way back to their beginning. So I just kept cutting square after square. It was peaceful. Cutting squares from fabric scraps. I’d make a template for the sewing line and use a pencil to draw around the clear plastic.
Then I’d line them up on the floor one after another and form a row. I’d sew that one together and lay some more out, and do it again until I decided it was big enough.
By the time my girls were grown up, I branched out to other patterns.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to that place. When I spent my days planting herbs and flowers and sitting on the back porch watching the yard birds.
And oftentimes in the afternoons I’d walk around the corner to an elderly neighbor’s house. She was also a quilter.
One day I went there, to their little farmhouse that set on the edge of the city I lived in then, and she’d made me this big beautiful white doily. The one you often see in the middle of my table.
I wish I’d known then what I know now. That life was really pretty good there, and I shouldn’t have yearned for more all those years ago.
But I was still a young woman, and my husband traveled a lot working.
A man from the past looked me up and called one day from another state. Another chapter of my life. And I foolishly let my heart lead me where my brain probably knew I shouldn’t go.
More led me to years of turmoil. Maybe karma would be more apt. For I truly believe that when you hurt someone, somewhere down the line, it will come back full circle.
Lots of things have happened in the past year or so. People I thought I knew like the back of my hand, ended up turning my heart inside out. And since I just can’t bear to put any more tread on my heart right now, I’ve chosen to stay to myself. To choose not to seek more.
I think I’d rather spend my days alone than be turned inside out again. You know, there comes a time when you just have to do that. You have to put your hand up and say to yourself: Stop. No more.
Sometimes you have to choose a solitary life where the lines are penciled in. And it’s safe not straying outside the lines.
Every year about this time, I mention my mother. Her birthday was a few days ago. If she’s still alive. Sometimes I look across the room at the woman in the frame I picked up at an antique mall. My junk store relatives, I call them. And I pretend that is her. Because I wouldn’t know her if we passed on the street. And I’d just like to have a face for the woman who gave birth to me and left soon after.
Mothers and daughters. Daughters and mothers. A bond like cement. Until cracks appear and weeds grow up between them and push them apart.
More is not always a good thing. For me, more will have to wait until my heart is mended back together. Sewn in sturdy straight lines and knotted off like my quilts.
Your crazy quilt it beautiful! That is one I have always yearned to do. Perhaps this year.
I am so sorry for your broken heart. Hoping good things come your way this year!
xo Kris
Brenda, tears came to my eyes as I read this beautiful post that’s full of pain but also full of wisdom. A hard won wisdom. There are only so many times that you can pick your heart up and put it back together again without drawing some boundary lines for your own life and mind’s sake. As far as regret for decisions made in the past, we can’t undo that. I can’t remember the author now but she spoke of the “hair-shirt of regret.” We can’t wear that the rest of our lives as it will keep us from living life beautifully now. You have learned what you need now in order to heal. Maybe there will come a day when your life will safely expand to more. But there is today to live beautifully in.
Dewena
Brenda,
You have a beautiful Crazy quilt. I bought one years ago and hung it on the wall in our cottage. We sold the cottage last year and I miss looking at my crazy quilt.
Your’s is lovely – your stitching is so intracate!! Goodness! I think crazy quilts are made to keep you from going crazy!!
Sorry things are not going well for you right now — maybe you should put your heart and soul into another crazy quilt to heal!!
I loved looking at the photo of your crazy quilt. Your hand stitching is so intricate and perfect! Are those tiny little seed beads or french knots that I see? Either way, I am amazed at how many hours of stitching went into that. I would love to see it in person.
Brenda, every time you write about your past and all the things you have been through, I think that you should write a book. I am serious, you have such a way with words and have been through so much. If you wrote about your life in more detail than you have here on your blog, I guarantee it would be the type of book that would be hard to put down until it is finished.
I can totally relate to living a solitary life, because I feel the same way. After my ex-husband cheated on me and left, I lost so many friends (couple friends that we had together) and family (his relatives). People don’t understand why I don’t want to get out and meet someone else, and I try to explain that I never want to be cheated on, lied to, betrayed like that ever again and the only way I can be sure of that not happening is to stay single. I am perfectly happy spending my days off with only my dog. As you know when it comes to your furbabies, their unconditional love is the only thing we can count on.
I love that you have that beautiful doily to remember your elderly neighbor from long ago.
Brenda what a touching post. I didn’t know you quilted by hand, what a chore that was. I think how long it takes by machine. You must have had a quilt going all the time. So sorry for all that has happened in your life:( Prayers for sunny days for you soon.
Brenda, I look at that beauitful crazy quilt and think they are probably a thing of the past soon. Life is so hectic and busy for everybody now. I know I’d never have the patience to do that. Quilting never interested me because I felt my eyes couldn’t handle it, close up work is not easy for me. My Mom bought me an old Singer sewing machine for my 30th BD, and in the drawer is a beauitful little piece of crazy quilt about 2 ft long. I have no idea what it was used for, and I still have it!
I agree with Patti, your words should be put into print. I hear your sadness this morning and it makes me feel so bad. As you and I well know, there comes a time in life when we have to let go of things, whether it be people, places or experiences, and free ourselves of that pain and move on.
That beauitful doily your friend made you in a very sweet reminder of her.
Brenda, your words are so raw, and honest today…I agree with Dwena’s words…and yes this post brought tears to my eyes also.
I am so wishing you better days!
Jen
Brenda, I know that you have so many heart breaks in your life. The past is the past. I think you blame yourself too much. I know that it is easier just to not let anyone else in and avoid the hurt and I am glad that you let us in. I hope that your heart mends. I know that you miss your family. I hope and pray that someday things will be better.
Your quilts are just beautiful. All those stitches by hand, beautifu work. I’m glad that you are doing the hoop art. Sure hope this year brings you a little happiness. (((((HUGS)))))
Brenda this hurts my heart and yet I too have experience much pain from choices in my past. Today I am so grateful for the love of my children, I hope it never breaks apart, but I know it can. I think they are where I am the most vulnerable. Men, too many have hurt me and there is a big wall around my heart. I care about my friend I live with but I only let it go so far. I’d rather be alone sometimes. Keep writing I think it is healing.
hugs, Linda
This is a very moving post! It made me feel good and sad at the same time! Good in that I remembered my grandmother with her huge quilting rack that hung from the ceiling and took up her entire living room! Sad in that your heart is hurting. I’m so sorry for your troubles and will say a prayer for you! Thank you for the visit to my Bible Study post! I hope that it helped! Blessings, Tammy
What a heartfelt reflection Brenda. Our past and our mistakes are what make us who we are today. Your quilt is beautiful.
Beautiful crazy quilt! I love the stitching! Wishing you sunshine and peace! Be kind to yourself! Thanks for sharing all your beautiful projects!
Brenda, you write so beautifully. My heart goes out to you my friend. Your mother is missing out on a very talented woman. Thank you for sharing. xoxo ♥
Hi Brenda…there are days that I truly wish I was you…seriously…to me I hurt more knowing my mother and 8 other siblings…my dad is dead…died in 1992…my mother divorced him about 8 years earlier…all us kids were taught was how to fight…is why none of us get along today…my Mother lives less than 10 blks from me and I never see her and she never calls me…sometimes I wonder would I of been better off not knowing my family??some days I think so…would of had a lot less heartache throughout the years and alot more self confidence too…no one can make someone else love us…the ones who are lucky enough to have a family and have felt love growing up then they are the lucky ones…I never knew love or what it even felt like till I met my husband of almost 40 years now…sent straight to me from God himself…I truely do believe this…You are an amazing woman Brenda and so sweet and kind hearted..I truely feel honored to know you and happy I stumbled over to your cozy little house…Love you!!! Carol
Brenda,
I just want to reach through the screen, and give you a tissue, and a big ol’ hug and say, “we all love you…., you are a blessing, your photos, honesty, creativity have touched us and I can probably speak for the others that read your blog”.
A stitch in time takes time, and time heals all wounds. I can say five years ago, I could never think of remarrying after Dennis died. But you know what, I want love in my life and companionship and I’m ready for that GOD fearing man to find me.
God bless you!
Hugs, Viola
Your post is heart-breaking and I know it’s because YOUR heart is broken. But, please don’t put up a wall around yourself, Brenda. At least not for female friends. Men, fine. You don’t need a man to make your life complete. I thank God I am blessed with a wonderful man whom I’m proud to call my husband, but I understand that not all women have that. We’ve all made mistakes in the past and probably have some regrets, but you can’t hold on to them. Let it go…breathe…move forward. Live your best life.
PS – Have you ever tried to find your birth mother?
Your crazy quilt is just beautiful!! So many hours of intensive work. You are such a special person with so many good qualities and you shouldn’t have to be going thru all of this at this point in your life. Things ARE going to get better!!
Love,
Judy
A very poignant and beautiful post. I loved hearing about your early quilts and how you came to make them…and about your life too. It makes me think of a quote I once read about how all our life, our joys and sorrows, are stitched into the quilts we make. Take care, Brenda.
Helen x
I agree you should write a book of at least your post if not short essay type writings with pictures. Love the hoop art. saw a wreath made of small and medium sized hoops with vintage Christmas fabric in it and some old photos too. Love the crazy quilt- so like our lives. Maybe one day you will wake up to find a phone call or a letter – that is how I reconnected with my son at one time. Family is more than biological- Judy sure proves that.
Brenda . . . that is the first time I’ve ever seen a “crazy quilt” that made me want to attempt making one . . . I had no idea the decorative stitching could be so creative and lovely!!! It’s gorgeous, girl!!! About relationships (family, friends, lovers) . . . I have learned, over the decades, the secret to relationships. It seems that I would move closer and closer, striving to be “soulmates,” and most often this would end in disappointment. I lost both my parents as a teenager, and my world is “small,” to some people. I finally learned to “accept alone” and I am much more peaceful and content. I once heard Cher quoted as saying “Sooner or later, we ALL learn to sleep alone”. It applies to all our relationships (whether sexual or not) and it reminds us that each of us will, one day, go to our Maker alone. Sometimes I even think that my sister, who loves “things, not people” was right, but no, not really. She is a very lonely, bitter person. I need and enjoy people, but I have to accept the limitations of the people who have hurt me, and I have “accepted” being alone.
Love to you, Brenda!
Brenda your crazy quilt is amazing and the hoop art is amazing…and when you put your thoughts in words that’s even more amazing. I agree you should write a book always thought so. I hope in time you get a break! Prayers are with you honey and a big (((HUG))).
I expected this visit to be about your lovely home, again. And, yet – here you shared somethng so deep and painful. Thank you for trusting us with your story – it is one that may very well be used to bring healing for another. Yes, a book. A real, true, down to earth, story. You bring a lot of warmth to me. I have your blog on my Ipad, and I love looking every day. I do really love that YOU love RED so much – so do I.
So sorry – I am not anonymous. I love your posts, every day.
Dear Brenda, your crazy quilt is quite fabulous! I’m a lover of quilts and find that, when wrapped around me, they bring a remarkable sense of comfort, like being wrapped in the arms of a loved one.
Oh, the past choices I wish I could take back, for they have brought me much pain and sorrow down the road, but the best we can do is forgive ourselves and move on. Easier said than done, I know. I pray you can make peace with the absence of your birth mother, or perhaps you will be able to find her at some point.
Thanks for sharing your heart. You have more kindred spirits out here than you know.
Strength and sorrow all in one post..but such a hauntingly beautiful one. Your quilts are lovely and that crazy quilt with all the elaborate stitching is just amazing…exquisite! And these hoops are so pretty!!
A lady that I work with has the same situation with her birth father….he left early and she’s never seen him since and I know from discussions with her that it’s hard to always wonder….
Resting. Healing. Waiting. These pools are a part of the river.
The rapids have landed you in an unfamiliar place.
Peaceful waters for your battered boat, this is my wish for you.
Brenda…me again…as I sit and read all these comments I have to add this to mine from earlier…God made each and everyone of us…you were so meant to be on this earth…he vreated you with his own hands…you are special and unique and there is no other like you…just because your mother had to leave you with someone else does NOT mean she didn’t love you…she loved you enough to let you go because she obviously could NOT care for you herself..it hurts I can only imagaine…but the loss was hers not yours…you are YOU…you have to look at the world differently and you need to just let it go…Mother your girls how you wisdh your mother could of mothered you…forgive…forget…keeep joy in your heart and get out and mingle…and praise God for your life…maybe your girls have given up on you because maybe they feel you have given up on them…don’t do to them what your mother did to you…you deserve your family you made and you need them!!!! ok..I will shut up now…love you!! Carol
Brenda~ My wonderful friend Melodye sent me the link to your blog and suggested I might be of some service. I hope so. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to enable you to say “I know” instead of “I wonder.”
Priscilla
Mother of Loss to Adoption/Search Angel
Brenda, I absolutely LOVE that crazy quilt. WOW!… if you ever sell one… let me know!
Brenda, Your post is really beautiful. I’m sorry that you have been through heartache like this. Your crazy quilt is beautiful, too–and what a good analogy. Things have a way of working themselves out–and sometimes our hearts and souls need time to put the zig zag of our emotions and hurts in some kind of order.
Love,
Mary
Crazy. Not. Creative, beautiful, eye candy that I would love to look at often. Yes. What talent you have, Brenda!
My heart hurts with yours. Regret, sadness, loss, brokenness, separation, it is all so painful. I am grateful to know a God who loves me, forgives me, heals me, and mends my broken heart. He loves you too, Brenda, with an everlasting love. And he wants to hold you close and breath hope and life in to you spirit again. [hugs] Please let me know if I can be a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen.
Brenda, you are very blue today I can see and it is sad to know someone is feeling like that. I love your blog and want you to know that you help others by putting down your feelings into words. Your words are beautiful and haunting and we can all feel your nostalgia today. I think your writings SHOULD be put into a book. There’s a blog out there called “The Cutest Blog on the Block” and they have an ad on there that says you can turn your blog into a book. It sounds like a neat way to go, because you’ve already written it all down! There may be other sites out there too where you can do this. It’s a thought anyway.
It’s so easy for people to say “forgive and forget” and to move on, but harder to do it when it’s happening to you and you feel the way you do. I would like to make my blog more personal sometimes, but not sure how to start doing that. Sometimes I think readers don’t want to hear our feelings, but your blog is one of my favorites! so maybe there IS something that draws us to other peoples’ personal lives and emotions. I have many regrets too… and try to forgive myself and let them go, but it IS hard to do. Our mistakes from the past are what made us what we are today. I try to tell myself, “I did the best I could with what I knew at that time”.
I hope the angels out there will lift your spirits up and that you will have better days ahead.
Marilyn
Dear Brenda….I just read your words for today and then I bowed my head to pray for you.Please know that the Creator of all sees your heart and He loves you. We all make choices at some point in life that we wish we could change, but that is being human. Be kind and forgiving of yourself and of the failings of other people too. You bring so much joy to so many of us here in the world through your blog and what a gift you do have! God bless you and keep you. Carolyn Gilbert
Brenda,
Your quilt is beautiful !!! I love all the sweet details. Have you ever heard of Craftsy? It’s a great website for crafter’s who love to dabble in all crafts. There are some really cute hoop projects and patterns on this site. If you have never heard of it please take a look it is right up your talented alley. Pour a cup of coffee and get comfortable you will be there for a while
Carla
Hugs to you Brenda….”joy and sorrow interwoven…love in all I see”…are the words that go with me as I read your blog. The quilt is beautiful….I in the last few years I have come to love quilts…have one on my bed (I love it)….a couple that my grandmother(s) have made…stay strong.
Hi Brenda, never commented before, but yesterday Laura of White Spray Paint blog had a great post. I think you’d benefit from reading it – I know I did! Blog address is whitespraypaintblog.com. Just a thought…
Oh Brenda, I have been in your shoes also. I married young and almost ruined my whole life when I was in my early 20s and had three children, Thank God even though I made a mistake, I realized very fast that it wasn’t what I wanted. I had a husband who adored and loved me and he forgave and now it’s been 19 years since then and I’m so glad that I listened to what I know was God speaking into my life. I also am adopted and was given up at birth and my files were sealed and still are to this day. I thought I wanted to know my birth parents, but it’s more curiosity than a driving need. I was placed into foster care at birth and put at a week old into a foster home where I was legally adopted at 7. There was a picture of me as a infant in a pretty dress when I was told my birth mother was supposed to meet at social services, but she never showed up. Even though I ended up being molested by my adoptive father in the family that adopted me, I was loved by the large family that I was in with sisters galore. I was the 8th child and the only adopted one. I don’t wish it had turned out differently (since I was molested) as I believed even then that God was watching over me and was just there inside my heart. I suppose I still have some quirks in my personality from the abuse as any child would, but the bad choices others make in their lives won’t determine the success of mine. I choose to be happy because whether or not anyone else is there, God is always there for me, and he whispers in my heart you are MY child, your are LOVED. Just as you are!
Your mother is missing out on knowing a beautiful person. Hugs to you (((Brenda))).
I have a Facebook page, and one of the things I’ve been seeing a lot of lately is postings from people seaching for their birth parents. I have Facebook friends all over the country, plus two in England and one in Austrailia. I also know that some of my friends have MANY more friends than I have, which widens the circle tremandously. I realize this might seem a little like cyberbegging, but I see it as another avenue to travel in your search for your birth family. I read this article today on AOL news, and decided to send you the link, in case you might decide to try this. Good luck.
http://www.aol.com/video/daughter-finds-parents-thanks-to-facebook/517660124/?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl40%7Csec3_lnk3%26pLid%3D265781
I know that you are OK, because in your next-to-last sentence you say, “For me, more will have to wait until my heart is mended back together.” That is a positive statement. You say “until,” rather than “if” when it comes to your heart being mended. Thank you for sharing these lovely photos and bittersweet words.
What a sad story, but I can relate in many ways. I too needed time alone after my heart was broken, but for me during that time I learned so much about myself and realized I like living on my own, sure it would be nice to have a partner, but I believe I would always want to have my own home and have that space I love. Good luck to you. And a final comment, I love your quilts. I have never made a crazy quilt believing until recently they needed much more skill than I had.