Java Talk: Society & Single Women Over 40


Today I'm letting a reader choose the topic of our discussion. It's about women who are over 40 and are unmarried. 

Here is her email: I often feel a lack of support/empathy, even from friends, who happen to be married or in long-term relationships. Maybe there are others who find it difficult connecting with women in like situations? It's a feeling of "not fitting in" somehow, or being out of step. Not sure where I belong, so I tend to withdraw into solitude - you know? People can be completely oblivious to the pain you hold within.

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According to the US Census:

1. Women by far will marry less than men after a divorce.
2. The less education a person has, the less likely chance of them remarrying. Men, by approximately 2 to 1, are still more likely to remarry than women across educational categories.
3. White women followed by Black women are the least likely to remarry.  Hispanic followed by Asian women have the best chances of remarrying.
4. The older you get the worse it gets.  Women 46-64 have a 19 in 1000 chance of remarrying while women 65 and older only 2 in 1000.  Men are 62% and 143% more likely to remarry than women at these ages, respectively.

Source: National Center for Family & Marriage Research. (2012). Remarriage Rate in the U.S., FP-12-14.

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Many people like being married. The stability. The comfort. The traveling together. 

So what are your thoughts? If you're married now and something happened to your husband, would you want to remarry? 

If you're single or divorced now, would you like to remarry? 

87 comments

  1. My husband came home on our 30th anniversary, and said he wanted a divorce(after a six pack of beer)...I never wanted a divorce, but wanted to work on our marriage. He wanted none of it. So, I went through a couple years of hell, as I was raised to believe in no divorce, ever. Fast forward five years, and I would not go back for anything. The selling of my beloved farm, after the divorce, was worse than the divorce, in the long run. I have now settled in a home on the edge of town, on an acre, and have a place to garden, and it is just me and my Bella dog. I have lots of friends, but no family. I have a lot of worries about money, and the future. I have a seasonal job, but need more money. I am 56, and too old for most places. Being a faithful, long term employee, was supposed to be a plus, now, they want a 20 something air head, and switch them out every few months. Men are so stupid. The only men, my age that I have emailed through dating sites, want sex. Idiots.....they are so not worth my time...
    I do really miss a husband that was my best friend, to travel with, share the little things with...mine was stupid, and thought he could take me back if he wanted...he should have listened to me when I told him I would have to kill my feelings for him, in order to get through the divorce.
    My faith in God, has gotten me through, and I would have nothing without Him.

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    1. Kathy, what a terribly hurtful and narcissistic thing for him to do on of all days, your 30th anniversary. (I'm sorry I haven't answered until now. Had to go do my twice monthly grocery run.) I feel so bad for you. But you have your Bella, and I know myself that dogs can be FAR more loyal than many men. My heart is with you.

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    2. This is my testimony about the good work of a man who helped me....My name is maria cooker ... My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three kids. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. Thanks to a spell caster called papa ork who i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I was searching for a good spell caster that can solve my problems. I came across series of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. There was one particular testimony I saw, it was about a woman called grace,she testified about how papa ork brought back her Ex lover in less than 72 hours and at the end of her testimony she drop papa ork e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give papa a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 3 days, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before. papa ork is really a talented and gifted man and i will not to stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man...If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve that problem for you. Try the great papa ork today, he might be the answer to your problem. Here's his contact: orkstarspell@gmail.com Thank you great ork.
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  3. I am widowed and have absolutely NO intention of remarrying or even looking for a new relationship. Since being widowed is a fairly recent event (8 months), many of my friends tell me I might change my mind. I highly doubt this as my husband was my soulmate and the person I had been in love with since I was 5 and he was 6. No one could ever take his place. I was an only child and very solitary and independent my entire life and being alone isn't a problem for me. I also don't want to start over with someone else, only to have them make me a widow again. Just too painful. Travel and attending events isn't a problem since I have several female friends who are widowed or divorced or their husbands aren't interested in a particular event, so we go together. I also enjoy doing craft things, reading, and watching movies by myself. I truly enjoyed being a "we" instead of a "me" but that part of my life is gone and I'm okay with just being a "me" now.

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    1. You are a true survivor. I've never had such a love story, but I commend you on finding yours, and having those sweet memories. You adjusted well, and your photo on your comment always makes me smile, because you have such a pretty smile.

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    2. I forgot to say: since it's only been 8 months, I know you are still grieving, and will for a long time. If not forever. I say to people like you: Just be good to yourself. But sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and have no problem knowing that being good to yourself is the gift he would have wanted for you.

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  5. Interesting topic. My heart goes out to your commenters especially the first one. I am sure I would be in a similar situation. Being able to support yourself is a fear and I struggle. I know I have tried really hard to find a different job. Teaching preschool is so hard. The is alot of physical and emotional stress. We would really like for me to quit but there is that fear of if something changed. At least I have a job for as long as I want it.
    Great discussion Brenda. I hope all the ladies find some good tips if they are looking for them.

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    1. Thanks for joining the discussion. I know everyone these days worry that something catastrophic could happen in their lives tomorrow. And it could.

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  6. I was divorced at 42 with young children. It was not easy being alone. I dated but the men were disappointing to say the least. I joined Parents Without Partners and that was good for keeping busy and I did not get any dates from it but met some nice girlfriends. I went to church a lot. I just did things to keep busy in addition to working and taking care of my children. I was lonely sometimes but I learned to be independent. Now I am 65 and have been remarried for 14 years. If anything happens to my husband I have no intention of hooking up in any way with a man. My current husband is wonderful and no one could ever take his place. I am spoiled now by a genuine, kind love and at my age interested only in companionship and that I can get from my friends.

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    1. Sounds like you're one of the lucky souls out there that managed to find love a second time. Good for you!

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  7. If I was suddenly left alone I would feel no need to remarry. I have been so lucky to be married to a man who loves, respects and supports my interests and let's me grow. Like Lana ~ I don't think anyone could take his place. But what I did want to say is that women without husbands are not the only ones who feel left out. Not having kids can make one feel left out too. It's been that way for me. Women with children often ignore women like me.

    Big Texas Hugs,
    Susan and Bentley

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    1. Susan, that's a discussion we should have here. Write out your topic and a few sentences and we will have it. Thanks for joining the discussion.

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    2. Yes, it is hard without children, sometimes. I want to go and do things, and my friends can't, because they have family to do things with. I am not sorry I did not have kids, but, sometimes when I think about the future alone...but, just because you have kids, it is no guarntee they will help you in your old age!

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    3. Well, that's certainly the truth!

      You all will notice some deleted comments. Something is going on with Blogger and they are coming in duplicate.

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    4. Like Lana and Susan, I have been very lucky and have a very successful and happy marriage - 38 years earlier this month. And for that reason, would not remarry. Just too much competition. What my friends have been discovering as they have become single (either through divorce or death) is that the further we get into our 50s, the men are either looking for a nurse and a purse, or a substantially younger 'trophy wife'. Sorry, not what I'm looking for in a man!

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    5. I've never heard that one! A nurse or a purse!

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  8. I don't think I would remarry, or even look, if my life with my husband were to come to an end. My mother, her three sisters and my grandmother, when they were widowed, never remarried. None of them had a boyfriend. Of course they had each other to travel around with. Mom said she had loved my Dad, and had taken care of him in his illness, and she didn't want to do that again. My husband always needs company and the stimulation of other people. I don't seem to need that as much. I can entertain myself pretty well. But your never know how you will react in different circumstances.
    I belong to a Ladies Club in our little valley. We have singles, marrieds, and widows and divorcees. It is wonderful to have that support group.

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    1. Sounds like you would be content alone if something should happen to your husband. We naturally don't know how we'd react. But I'm certainly happy being alone with the pupsters.

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  10. I am about to turn 65 and at this stage in my life don't see me remarrying at all! I was married for 17 years to the father of my two girls. Then divorced for many reasons. I remarried I guy that swept me off my feet and I thought I had found my soul mate. What I found was an alcholoic bi-polar mess. I was lucky to escape and heal my wounds. I have dated several men with some long term relationships and even lived with someone for several years. I ended that relationship when it interfered with my family time. I now live alone and love it. I think I am too old to be anyone's 'wife' and most men at my age have more baggage then I would put up with. So for now life is good as is. Lots of family time and a few friends that I do things with. I never say never, but really I'm not looking and so unless someone drops into my life, I think I'm single until the end.

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    1. I see you in photos with your friends and that you do a lot of things as a group. Have you been friends a long time? Would be nice to have a small group of a few women on the occasions when I truly do go out.

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  11. My situation is a little odd. Late 2006 my husband started being always in a bad mood. He was frustrated at work and would talk to me for hours about it. So I chalked his anger and moodiness to that. He had always been a pleasant and kind man with impatience being his biggest flaw. That march he got a new job, better than the old one. He went out and bought a new car and a $2000 bicycle.

    Then on my 47th birthday in April, 2007, we had plans to go out to eat, we being hubby, 17 yo daughter , and myself. He didn't come home on time. Finally he comes home drunk, which is out of character for him. Seems he spent the time after work at his old place of employment drinking with the two ladies in the office.

    We go to the restaurant and he spends the whole time in the bathroom, getting sick from drinking. Which I thought served him right for messing up my birthday.

    The next day he sits me down and he told me he didn't want to live with me anymore. He didn't know what he wanted but he wasn't happy, yadda, yadda.

    So we've been separated for 8 years. I don't want a divorce. He totally supports me financially and is here most of the time and does all the repairs and yard work. Nothing more than a hug and peck happens. We are not "together" but we get along great. We had been together since 1977 and he's still family although not a husband except for legally.

    He bought a condo and with all the snow and cold this winter, his building had major flooding damage due to busted pipes. The building is still in the process of being repaired, no one is allowed to occupy it, even those whose units were damaged. So since Feb. he's been living with me. He sleeps in our daughter's old room. He has a long-time mistress who he sees a couple of times a week. At this point I don't feel any different about that than if he went out with the guys.

    Anyway, I have no desire to find another man even to date, never mind remarriage.

    I confess that I miss the little intimacies like holding hands, arm around the waist, a back rub.

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    1. What is it with these men doing this on anniversaries and birthdays? What a horrible time to choose to land a bomb in your life. I could what you're doing. I knew for awhile before I left what was going on. And he would talk about them. At that point I had no love for him, didn't in the least trust him, and didn't care. I remember once he said to me before I left: "But if you leave, I'll have to marry her. And I don't know if I want to." Of course he did. He can't be alone. And he asked me: "What are you going to do? Just live alone till you die?" I had to laugh at the one. I don't need a man around to be alive.

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    2. Every single time I don't proofread, I make a mistake. Meant to say: I could do what you're doing.

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    3. Brenda, I remember your blog posts from that time. I cried for you and your situation as my own broken heart was still raw.

      I have to say your ex seems like a real piece of work. And he was/is a psychiatrist? Doctor, heal thyself! And if he's a therapist, psychologist, that sentiment still stands.

      Some people might say I'm a wimp for not divorcing, but now that I've gotten over it, I think things are pretty good for me. Actually, as hurt and mad as I was, I held on thinking that he was going through a mid-life crisis and that he would return to his senses. lol

      I'm pretty fortunate that he's a decent man at heart. I have no financial worries. In fact, I have the checkbook and pay the bills, even his bills, so I know what's what in that department. He treats me well. We appear as a couple at family events like nothing happened.

      Except for the facts that he has his own place and a mistress, everything else is like a traditional married couple. We sit around and watch tv and chat after supper, go visit our daughter and other relatives, go out to eat every so often, talk about home improvements. I do the cooking and cleaning. He takes care of the yard, cars, and home repairs. Weird, huh? We are totally Ward and June Cleaver in most respects. lol

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    4. Hey, you know what is best for you...you live your life for you, no one else!

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  12. Well, your situation now sounds a little like my last couple years married. I knew I was unhappy, but figured I would be unhappy divorced too. We were friends, and that is pretty much all I wanted...but, my ex thought at 50, that life was passing him by, and that he needed a chance at a different wife...he made his bed, let him sleep...

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    1. Why can't men sleep alone? I have found that to be prevalent. I sleep best when alone. I startle easily.

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  13. I met my husband at 17 and married at 19. We have grown up together and he is my best friend. If I would ever lose him, I would never marry again. I have a support system of friends who are mostly older and some are divorced and widowed. I would hang out with them for companionship and friendship. I was recently taken in by a close family member who I did not realize was bi-polar. I have lost a year of my life. I will never live with anyone again. I used to be a very social person and now I stay home and trust no one. I enjoy reading and sewing and I am not afraid to go to plays, etc by myself.

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    1. I'm sorry. Do you mean you were fooled by a close family member? I didn't know if you meant that you lived with that person, or was hurt by that person. I take things quite literally. One of my deficits.

      I had a male friend who was a psychiatric social worker and bipolar. Such a handsome and loving man. He killed himself in May 2002. Drinking and not taking your meds is NOT a good idea.

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    2. I had a family member come for a "visit" and it turned out he had lied to everyone for the past 10 years and was homeless and broke and bipolar and suffering from extreme depression. He also stole from me. Luckily I have a supportive husband, but it was turning me into a zombie. He was forced into mental and physical treatment and I eventually convinced his daughter to take him. He is now refusing to seek treatment of any kind and has discontinued all his meds. I would like to say I also managed to get him on SSI three months after his application which is a miracle, but he is not grateful as he thinks it is not enough money for his dream lifestyle. Since he has left, I have improved. From what, I am not sure, but my friends tell me I look better, I am acting more like myself and they are less concerned about me. I feel sorry for people with mental illness, but I have found you cannot sacrifice your life for someone who is refusing help no matter what the outcome. He attempted suicide in a public way while living with me and I fully expect those attempts to continue. The difference is that I am no longer taking responsibility for anything he does. Sorry for the rant.

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    3. No, I asked for the rant! I know that people with bipolar disorder are the very WORST about taking their medication in terms of all people with mental illness. The highs they feel are hard to give up, so they stop taking their meds.

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  14. I have been divorced and remarried to a wonderful man. If he should die first, I would not remarry because my divorce and being a single parent made me strong. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but I am 62 and too old to take on someone elses "life". I don't "need" another human living with me. A dog is the only companion I want. Due to careful retirement planning, I am financially secure and hope to stay that way. The way the world is today, I'm not sure I would trust anyone.

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  15. I certainly don't blame you there, Sharon!

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  17. I'm trying this again since last time it disappeared when I tried to post it.
    After several rotten marriages, I have decided I'm just not the marrying kind. I'm much happier by myself and will never marry again.
    I wouldn't mind a boyfriend to hang out with and travel with but I certainly don't need one. But it seems like the only men who are interested in me are already in a relationship or married and after being cheated on myself, I would never do that to someone else. I also find men who would do that scummy.

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  18. I fully agree with you! And I feel the same. I don't know what's wrong with Blogger today. Sorry. I used to have a friend (she died in 2006) who used to say she could walk into a sports arena chock full of men, and manage to walk back out with the worst alcoholic in there!

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  19. I volunteer at the Senior Center in a neighboring town. Two of the women there have known each other for years through both of their long term mariages and the deaths of their husbands. They share a house now, and are the best of friends. Neither one is interested in remarrying or having to care for a man through sickness etc. again. Their husbands were the love of their lives. They work at the center on a job share situation and both are in the seventies. They work, so that they can travel. Last year we went on an Alaskan cruise with them and had a blast. These women are wonderful, and completely happy to have the time to spend with their large families. They are truely an example of how to live a retired life without their husbands, and enjoy every moment of it while they can. Sharing the cost of utilities, food and rent has helped their situation tremendously. I think more women should consider sharing a home with companionable friends if they can. Perhaps they are extremely lucky to have such a long term friendship and are able to do this. I realize not everyone can. But I do think it's a solution that should be considered.

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    1. Wow! What a wonderful story. Yes, a great way for women to economize. I would do it. I'd be the quietest roommate ever.

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  20. I`m widowed after 42 years of marriage. 66 years old, widowed almost 18 months. There are still rough spots. That`s the way grieving goes. I like my space now and I`ll keep it that way. My widowed 73 year old friend travels all over the place visiting family and playing tourist. The single women I know in my age group like their independence. Some have men friends but it doesn`t go beyond that. My son is 3 hours away. It`s convenient and I can be in the mountains instead of the desert in just a few hours. I can take my dogs too, a Great Dane mix and a Boxer. It works out great. I still get lonely for hubby but I don`t want another man. My men friends who are widowed were remarried or in new relationships in about three months. I have friends I made an effort to stay connected to. I kept to myself six months. Now I truly value my friends.

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    1. First, I'm very sorry for your loss. Yes, that's how they say grieving goes. You sound like you've found your place of contentment, by yourself with your dogs. Why do men immediately remarry I wonder?

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  21. If he died before me I wouldn't look for another. 40+ years is too long to get over, and too short a time left to get used to another. Taking my hat off to all those ladies who have managed to "be alone". It's not always good to make another mistake, is it?

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    1. Forty years is indeed a very long time. I take my hat off to you for being in a relationship of such duration and love.

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  22. I'm 48 years old and have been divorced for about four years now. I can honestly say I love my life and have no desire to get remarried. I married my high school sweetheart and raised two children with him (the "baby" was a senior in high school when we split up) but I was never truly devastated that it ended. How sad is that? I have heard it said that it is better to be single than it is to be married and WISH that you were single. :-) I can say a big amen to that one.

    I enjoy the simple quiet of my days. I can do what I want when I want and not have to answer to anyone--I find great satisfaction in that. I have wonderful friends that I can do things with, but I'm pretty much a homebody. I have dated a bit here and there, but that's not really not anything I'm interested in right now. I am rediscovering who I am and loving every moment of it!

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    1. I think, as we age as single women, we learn so much about ourselves. What's really sad, and I can attest to this, is when you're sitting in a restaurant, and there's total silence. Because you don't have a thing to say to one another.

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  23. I became a widow over 15 years ago. He wasn't perfect, but he could be trusted. I find myself missing him and his counsel as I approach retirement. I'm 59 and the future is uncertain. However, I'm not desperate. I've made it this far and expect to continue the best that I can. As far as men - the pickings are slim :) If I wanted a "problem to fix" I could have one pretty quickly. I think that I'll just continue to run with girlfriends and enjoy life!

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    1. I agree.The pickings, I would imagine, would be slim. Who wants to risk that? I have absolutely no desire to date again. I just don't.

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  24. Brenda This is a very interesting topic. I am 59 and I will never remarry. My husband left me after 25 years for a young girl with a trust fund. I have little interest in dating. I find most men want a nurse or a mommy. I have a nice group of women friends and I treasure my alone time . At this age I am wiser and know what I want. I have a peaceful happy life that I live as I want . I treasure my life now and refuse to change it. I have activities, friends, a nice little home that is just the way I want it.

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    1. Lexie, you are very wise! I miss my girlfriends in TX, and still talk to them on the phone. I'm glad that my reader chose this topic. If any of you have a topic for discussion, please let me know.

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  25. Divorced twice. I have NO desire to ever share the same house with anyone other than pets. I am done with men for now. Perhaps when I retire I may consider having a friend to learn how to shoot a gun or travel once in a while....it would be very casual. I have my government job of 28 years, my family (parents/cousins/brother), gardening, crafting, decorating. I like what I have now....total peace. The solis is music to my heart and soul. And no one will ever tell me what I can spend or NOT spend my money on. I love my little decorated 750 square foot home.

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    1. Oh Laura, I have so often wish I could see your little 750 square foot home. I've seen bits and pieces. Wish I could live in one just like it and we could be neighbors!

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  26. My mom was widowed at the age of 48 and she often said that life was meant for couples~ so many things are built around the notion. She never remarried or had the desire to, but I watched as her close married girlfriends became less available, she did not get invited to the weekly couples dinner outings anymore, etc. It was tough for her. She made new friends (all single women) and a happy single life...but it wasn't easy.

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    1. I imagine that is what the reader who wanted this discussion is maybe feeling. It can be tough and very lonely.

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  27. When I was younger, I sometimes felt excluded from the - not sure what to call it, not a clique because I don't think it was done with thought or intention, of married friends or friends in a long-term relationship, and also from women who had children, whether in a relationship or not. I like to believe that such "exclusions" aren't done out of malice or forethought, but are just people in like circumstances tending to group with others of their "kind." I've always travelled to the beat of a different drum. I did not marry despite much societal pressure (back in the late 60's/early 70's that was what you did in my strata once you graduated from high school, you married your "high school sweetheart," I wanted to pursue some kind of career. I didn't want to have 3 or 4 kids by the time I was 28. I didn't want a balding overweight husband at that age, either! So I rolled with being a single woman pursuing a career and a college education in night school as my sisters married, one by one. Two got divorced, the third marriage "stuck" but let me tell you, there were major issues there, and still are. After seeing what my sisters went through, I was glad I took the "different paths" in my life. Now, at age 63 (soon to be 64), it's all good, and has been for many many years. Thanks to careful planning and prudent investing because I realized early on (started in 1975) I would probably be on my own my entire life, I started saving early and steadily and am financially secure. My dad always stressed to me and my siblings that if you want something go out and get it for yourself, because nobody is every going to give you anything for nothing. I was able to retire at the end of January this year and while not "wealthy" in the eyes of the so called experts who constantly are writing articles designed to scare the crap out of one (you know the articles - the ones that say even a million dollars won't be enough for a couple to live on), I have enough for my needs and I'm not stingy with myself, I fulfill some "wants," too. There is life after divorce; there is life after widowhood; there is life without children; and there is life for those of us who have never experienced marriage, divorce, widowhood, children. I have great, loving friends; a diverse and entertaining, exasperating family who each love me in their own particular way; my blogs, activities and my passions, that keep me engaged and active. I do miss my faithful man companion, who passed away at the age of 61 in 2012. We met when we were both 48 and were instantly sympatico. We shared the same passionate interests in chess, history, and archaeology and travelled together. If I could meet another Mr. D, it would be incredible. But I'm not looking and, frankly, maintaining an even-keeled relationship with a man is a heck of a lot of work. I'd rather put what energy I have these days to other things :)

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    1. Jan, I wish I'd done that very thing. I never should have married. It was just what one was "supposed" to do, or so we thought. I can tell that you are very intelligent. And not only that: wise.

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  28. I became legally separated 26 years ago and have never wanted to remarry. Two marriages was enough for me. I am just looking forward to getting my own apartment soon and never have the desire to live with anyone again. I love my alone time and have friends if I want to get out. xo Laura

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    1. Laura, I wish we lived near one another. We think a lot alike. I hope one day to meet you.

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  29. I was married quite young and it lasted for five years before I divorced him. Drugs and alcohol were his issues and I did not want to live in a life long unhappy marriage. I remained single for 19 years, mostly due to being immature and meeting men over and over again that had the same alcoholic problems as my first husband. I was engaged twice during those 19 years, both of which I walked away from prior to the wedding. Again, I chose the wrong men. At the age of 40 I closed myself off to all dating and decided that the biggest problem I had in falling in love, building a relationship that was sound and healthy and once again marrying, was MYSELF. I needed to get healthy in my own head first and stop choosing the same type of men again and again. Three years later I met a man online. I had revised my checklist of "the perfect man" and then things fell together, a solid and healthy relationship grew. We dated for two months, then lived together ten years and at the ripe old age of 53 I married him.

    Neither of us are perfect, but he's a sweetheart, treats me well, has given us a wonderful home. It's a blended family now, we are retired, and the only complaint I have is that he doesn't want to travel and I do. IF anything happened to him I would not remarry. I would TRAVEL a LOT without a man.

    It took me many years to find him and to be honest, I just don't think I would want to look again. Corny as it may sound, I've had the best, so why marry again? I would also move closer to my grandchildren and let them entertain me.

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  30. It doesn't sound corny. It sounds like a precious love story. I wish I'd realized I was doing the same thing. Good for you!

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  31. I've always been independent, I went to Europe alone three times, and I was scared! I don't mind going into a restaurant alone or to a movie. I once went into a biker bar alone, back in my hay days...just to see if I could do it. I always think that the most exciting things happen when I'm alone because when there are two or more people, it is harder to meet people. I spent a lot of years married, but I don't think I would do it again. That is way too scary!

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    1. I surely do admire your adventurousness.

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  32. What a great topic. Every word of every comment such worthwhile reading. Thanks for sharing. Everyone of you is an inspiring and strong woman. I am happily married, married late, no children. However, if ever I should have to fly solo, I would embrace it. I would not even want to go out on a date.

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    1. I have absolutely no desire to date either. I'd rather sit home and read a book or watch reruns on TV!

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  33. I've been alone now for well over three years and I'm forty. I just appreciate the peace. It's something I notice and value every day but it took awhile to come. I had to get beyond the heartache first.

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    1. Oh, the peace is worth all the time it took to get here! I love the silence, no TV or hard slamming of doors or someone yelling at a TV football game. I never want to know another thing about football!

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  34. Oh. goodness... the comments were compelling! So many experiences that made for feelings and desires of a future with men. Great topic, Brenda!

    For myself---I have a pretty great marriage and I didn't get married until I did lot of my "own thing". I would be devastated if I lost my hubby of 30 years, but I am only 55 and I have plenty of room in my heart to love another person should anything inconceivable happen in my marriage. How soon? Not sure. Marriage...don't feel it would be necessary. I would love companionship...that's just me. But another marriage-no.

    Jane x

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    1. Wish I'd figured that out after the first one myself.

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  35. I think it would be difficult to be a single woman among married women. Of course right now I say that I would not want to remarry if anything happened to my husband. He's the love of my life, but put in that situation who knows? I am pretty independent, but I sure hope I never have to find out! I have a friend who is now single and she has surprised me with saying that she wishes she could meet someone. I do think the possibilities are much higher now with the internet. We've had quite a few older woman remarry in our area with someone they met on line.
    hugs,
    Jann

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    1. And there also seems to be a trend of women just wanting to go it alone. Which I think is wonderful as well.

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  36. I've been married almost 44 years and I don't think I'd ever get married again if anything, God forbid, happened to my hubby. He truly is my best friend and we can talk about anything and enjoy each others company. Both of us are introverts and we like our alone time, too. I can see myself hanging out with someone for companionship if I were left alone, but marrying again wouldn't interest me. Perhaps I'd feel differently if I were younger.

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    1. I do think a lot depends on our age. I was divorced the first time at 28. The second time at 40. Now I'm 58. No interest in it at all. Of course I think menopause played a part in that.

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  37. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  38. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now I'm getting entirely sick of these people who comment on my blog about some damned spell caster. Please stop commenting here!

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  39. Wow, I'm so sorry I missed all these great stories yesterday! So many strong and independent woman here - I love that.
    I am 44 years old and in my second marriage. My first husband I married in college and he was my first love. We were together for one year before marriage and after five months of marriage he was murdered. While that was a very difficult thing to face at the age of 20 he was also an alcoholic and abusive verbally and physically.
    I then met my current husband and we've been married for almost 23 years now. He is truly my soul mate and I'm so blessed to have found him. We have a great life together. No children together but we raised our now 24 year old son from the age of 3 together. So he is my son.
    I would not marry again if I were to loose my husband. It's a scary thought to have to face such a devastating loss again but I am not afraid to be alone. I do have fears of financial stability because of my own disabilities not allowing me to work and what I would do if I did not have his income. He is 9 years older than myself and we are prepared with life insurance in case that happens.
    I know that I would figure it out and be able to stand on my own if I ever faced that loss. I live away from my family and our son. Because of my disability and how it affects my life I don't have many people to call friends. I've found that most just don't understand my issues and it's very difficult to make good friends.
    It would never be the same for me with another man. Once you've had your soul mate I'm sure nothing else will begin to be enough. I'm usually content at home alone with my books, my puppy, music, gardening, movies, etc. I love being at home and can entertain myself just fine. As long as I have a fur baby beside me I'm okay!

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    1. I was never lucky (or maybe I should say smart) enough to meet my soul mate. And it is hard to find friends who understand your issues and disabilities. Amen to that.

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  40. It is Dr.ONIHA, you can email if you need their help in their relationship,
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    ReplyDelete
  41. I left this comment up for now so you could all see what I deal with on a continual basis with these crazed people. Do any of you bloggers have to deal with this? Same bunch, all the time!

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  42. Brenda,
    Your post about single women over 40, and the many interesting comments it has engendered, has been one of the most interesting and thought-provoking subjects I think I have read on a blog. It lets me know that there are a lot of women out there that have the same thoughts and ideas about marriage, or not marrying, that I have. I have been married twice, and my last marriage ended a little over thirty years ago. I raised my daughter entirely alone with no financial support, began working at 17 and retired at 67, never collected a penny of unemployment, and am still going strong, enjoying my retirement very much. My daughter is currently living with me. She is a late bloomer, working 40+ hours a week, and decided at 30 to try college, and is working toward an associate in nursing degree while working. At 38, she is still single, and I suspect she will be that way for quite a while as she inherited a good dose of independence from me. Besides, she's very picky when it comes to guys. After divorcing, I never had any real desire to find another husband, nor did I need to. I think like some of the other women have commented, sometimes a bit of companionship would be nice for dinner or movie or maybe travel, but I think from having been an only child, I get along fine on my own. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I do believe that one has to be very lucky to find a true soul mate. I've yet to meet mine, and doubt that I ever will at this point in my life. They are just not out there on every corner, waiting to be snagged. In the meantime, I'm enjoying life, doing a bit of travel, and although it may sound selfish, I really don't want or need a husband to put a crimp in my quiet, independent lifestyle. There is a new book out now that your readers might like to read on somewhat the same subject entitled "Spinster" by Kate Bolick. It's all about finding a life for yourself alone.

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  43. I too like my quiet life, not having to accommodate a partner or spouse. I've got to find that book! If my soul mate is out there, he'll have to meet me in another lifetime.

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  44. First marriage, not good. Second marriage, good. Sure am glad they came in that order. Can't imagine a third marriage or even another relationship. I'm 59. I've spent about 48 years already trying to get a guy's attention, keep his attention, or get rid of it. So much effort spent on so many guys, and only one has been worth it. I've been blessed that God saved the best one for last.

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  45. This post and the comments are so interesting! My mom married three times and gave up men in her early 40s. Her last marriage was a doozy. I've been married three times (all cheaters) and I have no idea if I'll ever get married again. I love having the companionship, but I don't need to get married to have that, so I'm not sure. Does anyone really need to get married if they're not going to have anymore kids? Maybe for tax or religious purposes, I guess. Right now I have a boyfriend and I'm perfectly content this way. I'll never say never though, because I have a tendency to change my mind ;)

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  46. Oh and I got the same spam that you did Brenda and yes, it's annoying.

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  47. I'm 43. I have NO IDEA if I'd marry again. I really don't know. It saddens me to think that I'd even have to think about it. :-(

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I always enjoy reading your comments and having you join the conversation here at Cozy Little House. It is like having a gathering of friends sitting in my cozy apartment. Enjoying coffee and dessert, chatting and having a good time. I appreciate each and every one of you! However, if you are a no-reply commenter, I cannot reply via email to your questions or comments.

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