End To End

I was a little late out watering the container gardens. It was already over 100 in the shade. 

There must be some place to live where the summers aren't so dreadfully hot and muggy.

Just looking at lemons makes me feel a bit cooler. Though I can't have any. Nothing citrusy due to reflux. Haven't had lemonade in over 20 years! Oh well, there are far worse things.

Like dreams that repeat themselves over and over in similar form, rotating through the weeks and months. Changing a bit here, adding a bit there.

I have been having the most vivid and complex dreams of late. Sometimes I wish I could take all the little bits and pieces of my dreams and put them on a table, then fit them together like a board puzzle. 

When I finally got it all figured it out and each piece snapped smartly into place, I would decoupage it, frame it, and hang it on the wall. Reminding me of how all the strange components of my dreams somehow come together and make sense. 

There it would be, hanging, glossy with Mod Podge, the meaning just clear as a bell.

But maybe that is the point. Maybe they're not supposed to make sense. Perhaps they are just disjointed segments of our lives that are snipped into little pieces and thrown up willy-nilly like confetti.

In my dream last night, I was lost. Well, imagine that! I was in some sort of maze and I would take one turn around a corner, only to discover that it was a dead end. 

So I would energetically turn around and head in another direction. Only to walk and walk and turn and turn and find myself at another dead end.

Finally the energy was gone, and I was becoming overwhelmed at all the twists and turns that went on and on but never took me anywhere. I was still locked in the maze. 

I think that reflects how I'm feeling right now. A bit scared and overwhelmed, and possibilities loom large out there in the great big world. But I can't find them. 

They are just shadows that beckon me toward them, hoping the dark nebulous forms will take shape. And there will be an answer for me. 

This morning when I woke up, the vestiges of the dream hung on. I felt lethargic and weary. East, west, north, south. Where do the answers lie? 

Perhaps there are no answers. Just questions that hover in the air and taunt. There isn't an answer for every problem, I've begun to think. 

Just questions that loop together like those old-fashioned garlands we made in grade school out of thick colorful paper. We'd glue the pieces into a circle of sorts, and then loop them all together. End to end. Then drape them on the Christmas tree. 

Questions milling about in my mind, looping end to end.


  1. Yes...so dreams can wear you out. I used to have a recurring dream that I could not find my high school locker. During the dream my locker number just did not exist...however all of my books were inside of it. I just did not know where the locker went. Ha! I am sure there is deep meaning to it somewhere...but who knows. Have not had that dream in years...but I do remember that it was in the high school where I taught, not where I was a student. Yes...nutty. They say our dreams let issues somehow play themselves out in our sleeping hours.

    we are hot and muggy in south central KY.


  2. I have had recurring dreams that I am flying...not in a plane but by myself. They are wonderful dreams. I just hop up and I'm in the air. I can fly in my house. I tilt my arms in the air to change direction. I try to teach people to fly telling them it's easy. If I could order these dreams for you, Brenda, I would. You wake up so energized and refreshed.

    The weather is so out of whack in Oregon. Hot, hot, hot everyday. No rain and it doesn't look like we're going to get any most of the summer. So odd. A lot of people here don't even have air conditioning as we usually only get five or so really unbearable days a year. Everything is always so green here. I'm afraid we are going to dry up this year.

    1. Oh that reminded me of wonderful flying dreams I had when I was wee . My family had an open fire and my parents used to rake the ashes out with a metal thing that had a bar at the bottom a long shaft and a ring at the top. I would dream that I stood on the bar ,held tight to the ring and off I went , high in the sky .

    2. I used to have the same flying dreams when I was a kid. Later on I had dreams where I could never dial a phone to call for help.

  3. dreams are us, often working through the fears in our mind.. it isn't the components of the dream as much as how they make us FEEL.. then do whatever you must to stop Feeling that way and those dreams will stop pestering you.
    its the Whatever that's usually the biggest stumbling block to the right path. we want a new way, a new life and yet we continue to do things the same way we have always done them..
    the same actions cause the same results...
    I read an article recently that names Minnesota as the greatest state for women. wish I had sent it to you..
    call me if ya need me.. we'll talk it through.

  4. The other night I dreamed that I was in the passenger seat of a car (not sure who was driving). I looked down, and spiders of all sizes were crawling on my dress. In real life, last summer, I was bitten by a brown recluse, so I have issues with spiders. In the dream, I screamed bloody murder and made the driver stop. I'm thinking: caught in a web, sticky situation, or just a fear of spiders. Hope the weather cools in your neck of the woods--and happy dreaming to ya.

  5. During the time I was married to my last husband, every year in the month of October around Halloween time and the moon was full, I would have the same dream. I was in a house that had a long hallway (like a tunnel) with empty rooms off to the sides. I would open the doors to each room to find them empty and so I would continue down the hallway, searching for something. The next October of the year that I left my husband and had my own place, and the moon was full, I went to bed expecting to have the same dream. Instead I had a totally different one. This time I was in a huge penthouse apartment high above the city. It had huge floor to ceiling windows and was decorated in red and gold.

    I spoke of this dream to a friend of mine that is into holistic medicine. She told me the meaning of my dream was during my marriage I was searching for happiness and freedom because I felt trapped in my marriage. Once I was out of the marriage, I felt free and unencumbered.

    I have never had that dream again.

  6. Lovely writing, Brenda. I am wondering why I've drept that Mike Wolff from American Pickers is my boyfriend and there are many things in the way of our romance. I just figured it out...he must represent my antique shop!

  7. Life is like that, isn't it-just like dreams...and then we piece it all together to try and make some sense of it. I have the ability to wake myself up from a dream if I don't like where it is going. I guess I always thought everyone could do that until I learned that is unusual.

    Hope you can make some sense out of things. As far as weather goes---well, it is never much out of the 70s here in the summer but the trade off is that it is hardly ever above freezing in the winter months. xo Diana

  8. I have very vivid dreams and wake up exhausted sometimes. I try to figure out their meanings, but sometimes I can't. I guess that's the nature of dreams. It can be very frustrating. I hope you get some cooler temps soon!

  9. The word I took away from this was "overwhelmed."

  10. Hi Brenda, I am surely not an expert but you are now at a turning point in your life and you are trying desperately to find out which way you should go. I think that the dreams reflect that. You are searching for the right road. You are trying to think of a way you can have and afford your own little house or place to live that is peaceful for you and your puppies. I think that dreams are a way of working things out in your subconscious mind. I think that if I were you I would just try to relax and accept these dreams. When you wake in the morning write down some thoughts about them. After a while you may notice a pattern to the dreams and perhaps the subconscious mind can actually be more productive than the conscious mind in solving problems. When we first wake is the time to remember the dream and any important little details that are in it. That is why to write a bit about the dream right away can work. There is a solution to your dilemma I am sure. You just have to find it. Sometimes it just takes patience and the problems work out. I so understand what you are going through and I am sure the rest of the ladies and men that read your blog do also. We all have problems and sometimes they can seem insurmountable. Think back in your life. Remember all the problems that you thought were insurmountable. They weren't. You overcame them. You can overcome them now too. Wishing you strength and power. Barbara

  11. I have very vivid weird dreams too. I sometimes remember them to tell the Cowboy but usually not. I call them my acid dreams. Like I was high or something because they are so weird. I think that when we get to heaven we'll see that Joseph is still busy interpreting. I'll be standing in line!
    Hope you have a peaceful night sleep tonight! XXOO

  12. Dreams can definitely make us wake up feeling even more overwhelmed then we did when we went to bed!! Wishing you a peaceful night!

  13. When I was young I dreamed of flying, as one commenter wrote of above. As an adult I dream over and over of finding a new room in our house. It always seems so real and I'm excited about decorating it!

    The other night I had a terrifying dream of us driving away and Otis & Milo (dachshunds) following us, halfway across town with me screaming at my husband to stop. Maybe I had it because it still preys on my mind that these dear brothers had to spend 6 months in a dachshund rescue after losing their home of 9 years? I find myself constantly wanting to wipe out the memory of those 6 months from their mind.

    I woke up from that dream, in the middle of the night, and refused to go back to sleep, turned on the light and just watched them sleep.

    I'm so sorry you can't eat lemons. I think they're my number 1 favorite ingredient. Your pictures are beautiful, as always.


  14. Brenda, perhaps this represents your recent diagnosis. For years you traveled the medical system receiving wrong information, (wrong turns) and not understanding your own body (dead ends). Now you are on a different journey full of correct diagnosis and no twists or turns. This may be unfamiliar territory for someone who has been misdiagnosed over time (fear).

    I used to have a recurring dream of being in the mall by myself, desperately needing a blue dress. I run from store to store then panic because I realize that there is no blue anywhere, nowhere. I figured out that I had been searching for something (my version of June clever) and it did not exist. June clever wasn't real. I haven't had that dream since I figured it out. Good luck discovering your dreams!

  15. Since most (like all) of my dreams involve men that I had past relationships with..and who are all dead..I just assume they have found another way to torment and try to control me..by haunting me in dreams which I have no control over..I try to not let it bother me but it is a bit annoying and more than a bit creepy at times..I pity you missing out on lemons Brenda..on of my most favorite flavors..

  16. It's been unseasonably cool (and rainy!) here in IL the entire month of June. Sorry it's so dang hot in your neck of the woods. I have vivid, bizarre dreams quite often, too. Last winter I started a dream journal, but I haven't kept up with it since spring. Need to get back to that. It's really interesting to go back and read about your dreams. If I don't write them down right away though, I forget them by the end of the day.

  17. I had a dream about Dr. Phil and one of his guests. That's all I will say!

  18. My husband believes that dreams are a way for our subconscious to purge itself to make room for new information to come into our brains, that's why sometimes they never make any sense. He's a man and always looks at things logically. He has trained himself to wake up if he is having a nightmare of some sort. I think dreams are sometimes messages and clues that we have to try to figure out, just as you said, a puzzle. Unfortunately, they are very frustrating most of the time and leave us more confused! We are having a cool break, hopefully it will head your way!

  19. I haven't had a nightmare in quite a long time, but I get them when I'm worried or when I'm ignoring something that's bothering me. I know my brain was telling me to get out of every relationship I had until this one. If I get them back again, I'll know it's time to move on.

    I'm sorry you're having restless sleep and I hope you figure out what it is that's making you dream those "lost dreams" soon.


  20. Brenda--Years ago my dad gave me natural chewable papaya pills when I had awful pregnancy reflux. Word like a charm and safe for the baby! I still take papaya pills when I have reflux and they don't interfere with my meds. (I still stay away from lemonade and orange juice just in case)


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