I didn't start on the closet. I was just too tired from the day before.
I've been telling myself: I need to listen to my body. And then proceed with what it tells me in mind.
I'm still reading the book about estrangement. I'm about halfway through it. There are questions and spaces for your answers that in essence makes it a workbook.
Sometimes I read chapters and feel strong. Sometimes I cry.
I do believe that tears are necessary when you are growing a garden. The seeds need to be watered. A garden is a process of watering, tending, growing.
I am a work in progress.
I have been getting emails from other parents of adult children, who felt they were alone. They are not. They were surprised to learn this.
There is power in numbers.
I am learning self-love. I am learning that this is not a selfish act, but one that is completely necessary.
We women are very hard on ourselves. We accept from society that we are supposed to be strong. Be the best mothers. Be the ear that always listens. Be the women that give and give and give.
But that is not healthy.
Why do we ignore our own needs like this? Why do we put ourselves last? Why do we feel ashamed when we can't be everything to everyone?
We women have to stand strong, together, to withstand the storms that inevitably come. We have to nurture one another.
We have to keep telling one another that we are important, and thus it is vital to take care of our own needs.
Why does that sometimes feel selfish?
We are not perfect. We are human.
We make mistakes. We deserve forgiveness.
Most of all, we need to learn to forgive ourselves.
I have created a Self-Affirmation Pinterest board. I know I am using a lot of quotes in my posts lately. But I need the words I read back to myself. They give me strength.
Sometimes I repeat them out loud for emphasis. To ingrain them into my thinking patterns. To negate the voice that tells me that I am not enough just as I am.
I am weary of going over and over the past and wondering what I could have done better. What I could have said. How I could have responded.
Of living with one foot still in the past.
Every day is a new day. It is full of possibility. We can choose how we spend it.
We have to choose joy.
I have spent far too much time judging myself. It has impeded my healing.
I know I have to jump in with both feet. Drag one out of the abyss that is the past, and give it my all.
Or my garden will never survive.
I want my garden to flourish.
It is the negative voice in your head that keeps you from moving forward. We don't realize it, but we give others permission to hurt us.
We have to come to the realization that it isn't what happens that matters. It is how we react and respond to what happens that is most important.
We have to accept that not everyone will love us. Which is why it is vital that we love ourselves.
We have to recognize things for what they truly are. We need to learn to get up and have the courage to leave the table.
We must be our own best friend. Because if we don't take care of ourselves, we have little to give to others, no matter how hard we strain to push past our limitations.
Don't judge yourself more harshly than you judge everyone else.
Listen to your self. Your body. The person who has persevered and survived all these years, by virtue of your own strength.