Sisters: What I Know Now
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What I know now about my sisters is that we are slowly putting the pieces of our life puzzle together. I am learning how I ended up being raised by my great-grandmother, how they were adopted, and how their names were changed.
I stare at my bedroom window as I wait for sleep to come. And focus on the light between the window blinds, the tree branches dancing against the dark sky.
I think about two little girls, one blond and one brunette, and the atrocities they suffered.
I’m going to refer to the older sister of the two as “J.” She does not seem to want any contact. And after all she’s been through, I can’t at all blame her. So I want to preserve her anonymity.
I think of how terrified “J” must have been as one of our mother’s boyfriends held her down in the bathtub until she defecated in the water. And, I now know, cut off the oxygen to her brain.
The Unimaginable Cruelty Of Their Adoptive Father:
I think about her later being raped by her adoptive father and then being forced to give birth to his daughter at 16 years of age. And then be married off to her boyfriend to hide what he did.
I think about the younger sister of the two, Marietta, who had to fend him off with a butcher knife at 14 years of age. And repeatedly heard him rape her sister in the other room. She knew what he was capable of.
Marietta listened to her older sister, “J”, pleading through the walls, “Please stop. It hurts.” And she had no way of helping her because the man who adopted them was former law enforcement, and still had “buddies” in the community.
He was vile enough to threaten her with her life.
I think about how scared Marietta (the name the adoptive parents gave her) must have been when he threw her out of the house so she wouldn’t cause him any trouble. She was 14.
She was to become a nomad in adulthood until MS (multiple sclerosis) struck.
I think about the cruel people who take advantage of the most vulnerable of our population. The young, the brain-damaged, the elderly.
I think about how a man killed his own brother-in-law to keep him quiet, but somehow managed to get the death ruled a suicide.
When Lightning Hit Twice:
And I think about how these two little girls began life with our erratic mother, and then were adopted by the most evil of individuals. They quite literally went flying from the frying pan straight into the fire.
These two sisters live in different states and have not remained close. Once “J” got pregnant, she was married off to her boyfriend, who is still married. Her husband was forced to raise her adoptive father’s daughter as his own.
But then, I can see how they might not want to be close now. One is a reminder to the other of what they suffered as children.
And that was a nightmare no one wanted to revisit or acknowledge.
Six siblings were blown across the landscape like the mighty winds of winter—siblings who had to fend for themselves much too early in life.
I was the lucky one. And sometimes I feel survivor’s guilt because of that.
I stare out this bedroom window at night, and try to imagine what it must have been like for them. Two young girls were betrayed so severely by the people who were supposed to protect them.
I feel a sadness for those two little girls, now women, that is unmistakably visceral. This knowledge presses down on me like a warm but stifling blanket.
And even worse, to know that this kind of thing happens daily behind closed doors. In homes where you’d never suspect such things of happening. In cities where child sex trafficking is not at all unusual. And in countries where women and children virtually have no rights at all.
The Words Of Carl Jung:
I remember studying Carl Jung in college. He was the founder of the school of analytical psychology and famously said, “Understanding does not cure evil, but it is a definite help, inasmuch as one can cope with a comprehensible darkness.”
I believe that some forms of darkness are simply beyond all comprehension.
We know that evil lurks in many shapes and sizes. It resides in human form and obliterates the spirit of the innocent.
There are wolves in sheep’s clothing out there, hiding in the shadows. They are warped and dangerous. And they have no regard for human life.
The worst part is, we can’t identify them by appearance. They hide their terrible predilections behind masks.
I wait for sleep to diminish the knowledge of what I now know. The pieces of this puzzle that never fit together before now.
Remembering two little girls who deserved so much more. In a world that failed miserably in protecting them.
“As traumatized children, we always dreamed that someone would come and save us. We never dreamed that it would, in fact, be ourselves as adults,” – Alice Little.
How can people be so sick and vile as to want to have sex with a child…it makes me sick to my stomach…
So very, very sad what those little girls suffered. And so sad for you, too, trying to grapple with the knowledge.
When I hear stories of such abuse and violence I not only feel sad for the victims but I wonder what the childhood experiences were of the perpetrators. It's hard to have sympathy for them, I know, because of the heinous acts they committ but I feel like I have to have compassion for them as children who were undoubtedly not given the safety and love every child deserves. Abuse and violence are passed on from one generation to the next unless there is some intervention. Harboring hatred for them in our hearts does more harm to us than it can ever do to them. I say this as a generality, not as a statement about you, Brenda. No judgement whatsoever intended.
I pray for healing for the three of you girls, whatever that may look like and most of all, peace with the past, knowing that the present is where we must try to live and focus as much as we possibly can for our own health and sanity.
Utterly, utterly heartbreaking.
I do hope and pray that finding each other can bring some peace and healing to the lives of you and your sisters.
I have raised an abused child. It never ends for them. While his wasn't sexual but every other abuse. He may not remember it all but it changed him forever.
God bless your sisters and you. I hope they can find peace somehow in spite.
I'm glad you are sharing. So many have never experienced, thank goodness. Awareness is important.
Hugs Brenda.
Brenda, I think you are the luckiest one of all your siblings. Your parents leaving you behind was for the best, since it spared you of the abuse they all suffered.
How heart-wrenching it is to read these posts–and I have to say that it makes me thankful to have had the childhood I did. One that was not perfect by any means, but one that I survived knowing that SOMEONE loved me unconditionally…my dad.
Thank God you escaped some of the horror your siblings experienced, Brenda. Thank you for the open, honest sharing you do here. xo Diana
This brought tears of anger and pain to my eyes. Sending you all thoughts for peace, comfort and serenity ~
I'm so sorry they had to endure such evilness. To go on with life shows the incredible strength of the human spirit. I'm so glad you have made a relationship with your sister.
Brenda – I feel so ashamed of my gripes with my father, they were nothing compared to the horror you and your siblings have known. Thank you for sharing your story, you may be giving strength to others who have survived similar abuse. Have you thought about starting an online support group?
Brenda your story is heart breaking, we all bare scars in many ways from our childhood some not as many as others, I was molested by a family member and next door neighbor, as much as you try to block the past out and never goes away, you might not think of it for awhile until you here about another child but it is so deep you can never seem to get pass it, and it does affect your relationships with other people he has to come to the top in some form or it will bury you alive, life was not suppose to be like this, but when Adam and Eve sinned it changed everything, Santan holds the power for a while but we know the end of the story, one day children will never have to endure this kind of pain ever again, snd those responsible even if they have asked for forgiveness will have to stand before the almighty judge, it doesn't matter why you parents did what they did, were they selfish, were they just mean, were they mental, what matters is that God brought you in this life for a reason, what we do with how we handle these situations is what defines who we are in life, God loves us all the same just like we are battered and broken, selfish, mean, that is so powerful it is hard to understand, he gives us all a chance to make it right and if we don't I believe with all of my heart there will be a special place in hell for those that mistreat and abuse the innocent children. We can't change the past and it's not for us to hold on to the bitterness, it robs us of the chance to live life to the fullest!
Reading this post made my heart hurt. Unspeakable evil visited on these little girls. What devastation this must have wreaked on them. No one to turn to for help. The cruelest in this world is the human animal, and animals they are.
Heartbreaking, poignant and sad. And a good thing that you are shedding light on it.
Having had a normal upbringing in a small town, I don't know how anyone can survive this sort of abuse! I know it happens but its hard to believe that people can treat others like this. Have you considered writing a book about your life and what has happened to you and your sisters. Maybe it would be therapy for you, and than again, maybe not. You have been through a lot Brenda but you have come through it and you are an inspiration to many people.
Oh dear one, your heartache is palpable. I wonder, how does one ever rise above? Honestly, it is gut wrenching even to have to know of this, much less experience it. No wonder sleep eludes you.
As a counselor I worked with survivors of childhood sexual abuse. It sickens me. I'm so tired of so called "good people" ignoring what is happening to the most vulnerable in our society. My heart breaks for what your two sisters suffered. xo Laura
This is just heartbreaking, Brenda. We'll never be able to understand how people can be so cruel, especially to an innocent child. So sad. The one bright spot is that you and Marietta can bring some comfort and love to each other now.
Yes this is happening every day in every part of the world, and it makes me sick! Your dear sisters, they never deserved any of this – I hate it for them. And I hope the abusers got punishment or karma or whatever payback 100 times over.
Mary