Life Is Ever Changing


The other night before I fell asleep, I found myself thinking about decorating. Which is something I've pondered a lot in my life, as I've always loved decorating. 

How many times have I laid awake at night before moving to a new home thinking how I'd arrange the furniture? Too many to count.

I almost majored in interior design in college. But my advisor said there was no money in it. Which then lead me to journalism. It isn't exactly a path to money either. Unfortunately I've never been drawn to money-making ventures.

In the well of my thoughts in the dark of night as I waited for sleep, I realized that I kind of have my apartment the way I want it. 

There aren't a lot of ways to arrange the furniture. The couch has always been along that one wall. I like my bed facing the door. I've always wanted my bed facing the door. So that's a no-brainer.


And though I still like to change things up on the walls and on tables, I know that I'm not only here with you just to put pretty things on display.

Gardening is a true love of mine. I'll always garden, because it somehow feeds my soul in a way that nothing else does. 

I love to plant seeds and watch them sprout from the soil. To plant seedlings and eventually have blooms. I am happiest with a camera in my hand and my eye focusing on various outdoor elements.

I like to sit and enjoy the breeze caressing my face. I am at a point in my life where I no longer yearn for human touch, foreign as that may sound to some. 

I feel relaxed around gardens and nature in a way I never am when around human beings. I'm always thinking and worrying about saying the right things and acting the right way. Even around my own family.

I don't need a lot of human interaction. In fact I can't abide much of it before I want to close the door and be alone again. I know that probably isn't the way most feel.  

But it's the way I feel. Whether I want to feel that way or not. I'm just not a social person. I never have been.


But then there is the outdoors and nature. The birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees. Which never stands still.  

Nature is ever changing. It isn't like you have to decorate it or rearrange anything. Mother Nature does all the changes for you. 

The seasons arrive and then intermingle, and there is always something outdoors that captures and holds my attention. 

Life is about change. We change. Our desires ebb and flow. We grow tired of some aspects of our lives and suddenly overjoyed about others.

You will always see decorating here. You will see how I aim to live fully in a small space. I love to share that.

I will always fix my cup of coffee and sit down and look around me and think: I sure do love my cozy little apartment. I will always strive to have a pretty home.

But you should know that in many ways my heart is outside on that rectangle of cement patio. Where my garden life resides.

Where I find and enjoy true serenity. And the feel of a soft breeze cooling my face is a touch that does not make me flinch.

I guess the moral of the story is this: Accept who you are. Don't apologize for it.

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” 
Mark Twain


68 comments

  1. Hello Brenda,
    Arriving to a place of acceptance of who we are is a tremendous gift. This past year has been one of growth for me in this department. Letting go of what I thought could be, accepting that my life works for me and loving deeply are working quite well for me right now. I love your writing. I am like you in that I may be inside, but my heart and mind are in the woods, garden or mountains.
    Jemma

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    1. I wish I had mountains to view. Can't have everything I guess.

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  2. I don't like to do the whole social thing either. I prefer to be home. I think I've reached a point in my life where I'm completely comfortable with who I am and how I am although I think it's the outside world who would like to see me be more like them. At least it feels that way. New reader.
    xx Beca

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    1. Welcome, Beca! We often try to be what the outside world wants us to be. Even though we aren't being true to who we really are. Took me quite a few years to get that figured out.

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  3. Brenda, you may not find yourself to be social in person but you definitely are through your gifted writing. I think that journalism degree was a good thing for you. I'm an outside girl too. :)

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    1. Writing frees me. I don't feel anxious about using my words on a page.

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  4. I think the best place to be is where you are most comfortable.

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    1. And yet it often takes us so long to figure that out!

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  5. I think the best part about getting older is accepting yourself for who you are. There is joy in finding like-minded people, but I'm happy spending time by myself vs. spending time with people I don't particularly enjoy.

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    1. I like my own company. I was in my fifties before I got myself all figured out!

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  6. Good Morning Brenda, I would rather be home either by myself or a small group of people. I don't do well in large crowds. It seems I have trouble being the one to keep a conversation going. Except my close friends, they probably would not agree with me. Being home is my happy place!

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    1. And it is for me as well, as you know. I can handle a small group. Crowds overwhelm me.

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  7. Home is my safe haven, always has been since I was a small child.

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  8. I have never been a social person either and have never liked to admit it. I thought I was in the minority but glad to hear there are others too.
    I too would love to live in a secluded house surrounded by trees and nature but as one gets older its a scary thought to be far from hospitals. I hate thinking this way but have to accept that I am aging and probably will need medical assistance sometime. I am not usually at ease meeting new people as I am always at a loss at what to say.

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    1. You're not in the minority I don't think. We're just quiet about it!

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  9. Brenda I think you express yourself so beautifully through your writing. You have a gift with how you tell a story. I really think you should write a book. Seriously you have the talent.
    Kris

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    1. I don't know if a whole book would keep my attention focused. That's why I like daily blog posts.

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  10. totally kindred spirits. what a beautiful post.
    only I wish I had your green thumb. I can make plastic plants die. seriously! so I enjoy the talents of others. it's a gift you have been given. and that you share it is grand.
    I too love cozy and simple with the graces of happy solitude.
    and this world wide web is full of friendship! thank you for yours.

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    1. Every one has talent of some sort. The web is truly full of good people and friendship.

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  11. Contentment is a beautiful gift. Nice post today.

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  12. I love being home, too. Recognizing who you are, even if it seems to be going against the social tide is so important. I can socialize, but really enjoy being alone, not lonely. Nice post.

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    1. Oh yes, there is a vast difference between being alone and being lonely!

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  13. You have just summarized what I like so much about you and your blog. You seem so at peace. I think many of your readers feel much like you. And, I believe that you would have made a wonderful interior designer.

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  14. Well said! I too enjoy my home and quiet times...my safe place!

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    1. I feel the same. Safe equals contentment.

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  15. I feel very guilty that I am not a fan of humanity. I would much prefer to be alone with my fur baby who gives me his unconditional love and never judges me. My husband thinks I am an oddity not wanting to socialize and be around other people since he is a social butterfly who has never met a stranger and can talk to people for hours on end. I love what you said "but that's how I feel" and no we can't help how we feel whether we want to or not. I do wish that I felt differently, but I don't and have reached the point in my life where I have decided to stop forcing myself to be something I'm not. It is so nice to know there are others out there like me and are not afraid to admit it. Your post has really made my day!

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    1. Don't feel guilty. It's just how you're wired.

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  16. This post is so calming, Brenda! It's just like a cool breeze touching my face on a warm day!

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    1. Oh, so nice to feel like a cool breeze touching your face. A peaceful feeling.

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  17. Brenda, Bravo for saying what most people are too afraid too! I think there are many who prefer to be alone and that feel social awkward. I have never been a social butterfly and although I love traveling I am most happy at home!

    Have a wonderful day! I hope there is a nice breeze to enjoy and a bit of cooler weather.

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    1. I don't even like traveling. Too much confusion and I miss my things and my pupsters around me.

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  18. I think we all feel that way sometimes.. and to be true to yourself is the best way to be.

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    1. If we aren't true to ourselves, how can we be anything to anyone else?

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  19. Well said, Brenda ! Almost as if you were talking about me.

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    1. We are like-minded. We gravitate to one another.

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  20. Its wonderful when you get to the point of your life when you can do what makes you happy. I am there and so glad. I resent having to be social.

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    1. I remember having to go to staff parties with my first husband. I was a wreck till I got home!

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  21. I love nature and that’s where I want to be most, luckily my husband feels the same.
    We still garden (wildscape) on 2 acres but my elderly mother now has a condo with a patio garden. I invested in a bunch of stock tanks and galvanized tubs so we could plant an easy care garden for her but we’re not having very good look, even though both of us have gardened all our lives! I’d love it if you did a whole series on patio gardening in containers. We live in north/central TX. Your patio garden is sp pretty! Mom wants to attract birds and hummingbirds too. She loves nature.

    Vonne

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  22. Oh Brenda, your writing is so thought provoking. I sew with a lovely group of women each week but I seem to be the only one that LOVES to be home. I was beginning to wonder if something is wrong with me. I rather cook than eat out. We have 5 dogs that keep my husband and me entertained. We have chickens that I enjoy. I could, if my body would last, spend all day digging in the dirt. We are retired and I thoroughly enjoy being home. Patty Mc

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    1. My body won't last all day anymore either. I can take a little bit at a time. I used to quilt at a church with a small group of women in TX about twenty years ago.

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  23. Love this post Brenda. Wish I'd have read it 20 years ago. But I probably wasn't ready for it anyway. :) Thank you for sharing your heart and your pretty, cozy little house with us. ~julie

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    1. Julie, you're still young. I didn't figure this all out till my fifties.

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  24. I love your posts. Growing older, I and most of my girlfriends find we no longer desire the social life either (if we ever did!). It seems to be a natural part of growing older for most which we also realize makes sense as we each deal with the aches and pains of no longer being young! I also agree with Kris from JunkChicCottage. You can and should write a book or books. They could be about your life experiences and/or you could write fictional novels. You definitely have a gift for writing.

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    1. I like to write a bit every day. A book would be daunting. But maybe someday.

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  25. Yes accept who you are! :) We love who you are / you don't have to be perfect, or be another way, etc. Ditto for all of us :) I think that we spend the first half of life figuring that out, and the rest of it getting used to that idea :) We all change...of course we are not the same person as we were a decade or two ago / we mature and learn and grow but in the end, our core is much the same. ( shy, outgoing, a math whiz, a reader, etc. ) It's what we came to earth with, perhaps not of our choosing, but there it is. "Love thy neighbor as thyself". Love them as they are, love ourselves as we are.

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    1. Deb, I love that you write posts kind of like I do. Talking about your day. I wish we lived close to one another. I love your quilts you sew!

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  26. Hmmmm....what a sweet post. I love the introspection and acceptance and above all the contentment. It is rich in surrender and wisdom.

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    1. I like that: Rick in surrender and wisdom.

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  27. Does your town have any special gardens where you can go wander and take photographs? I loved doing that when I lived in SW Washington. There were some pretty spectacular gardens open to the public. Loved taking my camera. Also, I would love to see photos you take when you're out and about in the country. You've taken a few but would love to see more! Some days, I just want to take my camera and drive somewhere different and take pictures. Around here though, where I live, there just isn't much of anything different.. just DRY land, dry everything and not many trees. I'm still searching though! Take care.. Marilyn

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    1. I'd go out into the country if I wasn't afraid of getting lost! We do have the Tulsa Rose Garden and I've been meaning to go there. It's getting cold tonight I think so I may have waited too late.

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  28. Hi Brenda, I love your blog. I know and understand everything you are saying. Things I've thought but never said to anyone. And it is lonely not being myself.
    Thank you for your voice and being yourself. I know you have worked hard to be where you are in your life. We are all here for you.
    Pam

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    1. I've been loneliest in life when I was with someone I couldn't think of a thing to say to. I'm not lonely by myself.

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  29. What a lovely post, Brenda. I quite identify with you and the others that are most comfortable being at home. I guess I am actually somewhere in between being a hermit and a social Suzy. I have been without my own car for a couple years now so I am forced to be at home a lot. I love being home, but quite often I start to feel like a shut-in and I know it is just because I don't have a choice about whether I go out or not. I don't like having to be dependent on my daughter or a friend to go places.

    I am pretty much okay with socializing with friends or family, but only so much. I don't like going to occasions or gatherings back to back. I feel I can talk to just about anybody, but it tires me mentally, so I need long breaks of solitude between social forays. I have a friend much like me and sometimes we go weeks without talking or getting together. We joke that we are such good friends because we are both hermits at heart! It's nice to have a friend who understands the need for solitude.

    I really prefer very small gatherings or just one-on-one occasions with close friends. I was thinking the other day that I don't really have that many people that I consider close friends and that maybe I should have more. Then I tho't, no, having a few that you really feel a special bond with is better than many casual acquaintances. At least for us "hermits"!

    And you're right, we should never feel we are inferior or apologize for who we are. We are, after all, unique and that's okay.

    You are a very fine writer. I don't think you would have been happy being an interior designer. My youngest daughter studied to become one, but when she learned that she would have to dress a certain way and be able to promote herself in order to be successful she decided that wasn't for her and became a farmer! Her personality is very similar to yours and others who don't want the pressure of trying to be someone we aren't. Going from interior designer to farmer was a drastic change, but it definitely fits her to a tee.

    Here's an idea regarding suggestions that you write a book: just gather a collection of your blog posts--ones that can kind of stand on their own--and put them together as a book. Add to them if you want. Sort of like a book of meditations or--what word do I want?--reflections, maybe. Just think about it. I'm sure there are many people who would appreciate your tho'ts and insights. And it might earn you a little money, too. You could include some of your beautiful photographs to illustrate your musings. I think it would be quite successful.

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    1. I doubt there's a publisher out there that wants to read my thoughts, but I could be wrong I suppose. I think I would rather be a farmer than an interior designer. You're right. I wouldn't have made it having to talk to people all the time it's better I didn't go that route.

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  30. I understand. I'm introverted, too. I do enjoy spending time with friends or certain family members, but then I need a lot of alone time. I'm very much a homebody.

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    1. I can take a few hours with someone. But then I need a few days to myself, much as someone else commented.

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  31. I know where you are coming from when you talk about enjoying time alone. If I miss anyone at this stage in my life it would be my husband who passed in 2013. It will be 5 years in January. But even when he was alive he would travel on his Harley with a group from the American Legion Riders to Washington DC and other places. I stayed home, it was my break from the daily demands of married life. These past years without him are the first in my 66 years that I haven't had to answer to anyone. I was 19 when we married, and we were together for almost 43 years. I know women who are constantly on the go, not me. Even before I retired from nursing I was selfish with my down time, and I never really stuck to any schedule. We raised two daughters and they have been on their own with their homes and jobs since college. They live not too far but I don't see them very often. I have a house and an acre of ground to maintain, so I stay busy I can always find something that needs done. Besides I have many interests to keep me occupied. I know people who have nothing better to do than whine around about how bored they are. Like you, I have 2 Yorkies and they keep me company, my shadows. So, I understand how important it is to have that alone time when no one is making demands on your life. I know I will never marry again, I was blessed with a good man and I'm not going to chance a second go round. Keep the faith Brenda, you are a survivor cause I remember the heartbreak you wrote about in the past and you have come a long way since then. Even though my circumstances were a bit different, I had to learn to go it alone too. It was a rough road with plenty of tears, but I'm doing ok. I guess like they say, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

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    1. I'm so glad you had a successful marriage. I can never claim that. From reading your blog, I see that you have a lot to take care of. I admire that you still take all that on.

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  32. In the '90s, after my divorce, I had to work on learning to like my own company and learn to be at peace with myself. Two books that gave comfort were Thoughts in Solitude, by Thomas Merton, and Gift from the Sea, by Anne Morrow Lindbergh. I certainly learned to treasure solitude, but at times I know I over-indulge in it and that I'm meant to sometimes be with other people so that we can share what we know that might be of help to each other. What I've had to work on is learning who is safe and trustworthy to be with -- not just anybody will do! Some people that we think have our best interests at heart instead are too intent on watching out for their own best interests and can trample our hearts in the process. I've had to work on knowing who I can trust with my thoughts and feelings.

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    1. I've often been too trusting and ended up regretting it. I'm pickier now. And really, I just would rather be by myself or with the pupsters. I guess I get my need of having common interests with someone right here on this blog.

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  33. I love your blog. Thanks for sharing.

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  34. While I like knowing that I have meaningful relationships, I do very much enjoy my own company too. And I have grown to accept myself. Also, being around plants and feeling fresh breeze fuels my soul too.

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I always enjoy reading your comments and having you join the conversation here at Cozy Little House. It is like having a gathering of friends sitting in my cozy apartment. Enjoying coffee and dessert, chatting and having a good time.

Please be kind with your comments. We all need kindness in this world. That's not to say you can't state your opinion! Everyone should be able to state their own opinion in a kind and thoughtful manner.

I appreciate each and every one of you!